Ena interviews her friends
Kink: A One Way Street With Many Alternate Routes
Five women and their journey into kink and beyond
About a week ago, my dear friend Sarah was visiting, and we ended up reminiscing about how we first got into kink and where it has brought us since. I always find this topic incredibly intriguing; there always seems to be certain similarities, yet, everyone’s journey is unique in its own right. What I find especially interesting is that some seem to have sensed they were kinky since childhood, while others didn’t even know such a world existed until well into adulthood.
Personally, I belong to the latter group, but then, after exploring my kinks I see that many of them reflect certain behaviors and concepts I entertained during childhood. A favorite game of mine as a young girl involved provoking the much bigger, older guys to fight and eventually restrain and overpower me. I was always a dare devil, performer and role-player, and I vividly remember instigating various ‘naked-games’ with the kids in my neighborhood. My kinky-self is simply a matured version of all of this; I’m a challenging (aka bratty) strong submissive with a switch-y side and an affinity for playful adventure and exhibitionism.
After hearing Sarah’s story, I decided to ask some of my wonderfully kinky female friends to share theirs as well. I asked all of them how and when they realized they were kinky, and if they have any corresponding childhood memories.
I imagined what the wooden stick would feel like against my bare ass…
Sari’s story:
I always felt very sexual and love thinking and fantasizing about different types of kinky sex, but I didn’t act on my fantasies for a long time. Instead, I kept finding the act of sex itself quite unsatisfying: Something was lacking since my true desires weren’t met. Meanwhile, I’d use my fantasies to get off when I had partnered sex and settled with the idea that this was how most people got by.
One day, around six years ago, I had this aha-moment. I was doing laundry when, suddenly, I became aware of the wooden sticks that form the structure of my laundry basket. Looking at them, a feeling of euphoria washed over me as I imagined how they would feel against my bare ass. I pulled one out, handed it to my boyfriend, and asked him to spank me with it. He hesitated a bit at first, but finally agreed… and I really liked it!
At a point, he stopped and told me “Sarah, I can’t do this anymore. Your ass looks really bad—it’s completely red and bruised!” He decided he could never do this again and that it wasn’t his thing.
Then what?
My ex and I continued to have regular vanilla sex for a while and I kept using my fantasies to aid me. I never felt ashamed of my desires, I just didn’t have a way to live them out.
How did it continue?
Everything fell into place for me after I met a former lover who had rope marks on his body. I got very curious. Shortly after, I moved to a new city, and only ten days in, I met my rigger and Dominant partner. I discovered that there was a whole community of people out there living my fantasy. Now, I could explore everything I had wished and longed for; my fantasies finally came true!
How have your kinks evolved?
I’ve realized that I also really like to top in ropes (tie people up). But to me, it’s all about sharing this open and vulnerable connection, rather than about a specific practice. The most important thing I’ve learned about my sexuality is that just because I’m sexually aroused, doesn’t mean I necessarily want to be penetrated. BDSM can be whatever you want it to be and its practices reach far beyond regular PIV (penis-in-vagina). It’s often playful, and there are no right or wrong ways to kink.
What role does kink play in your life today?
It’s a very big part of me and is now what I do for work, so it plays an important role. My aim is to help others understand the value of gaining control over their own minds and bodies and I believe BDSM to be a great way to access our truest selves.
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❥ Shibari-Sari She/it | Non monogamous Kink educator, bondage performer & conceptual rope artist
I had no idea that people were into this ‘stuff’ or that any of ‘these things’ existed…
Lou’s story:
I didn’t really realize I was kinky until after my husband and I opened our relationship. After having lived in an unfulfilling, near-sexless marriage for a while, we decided (with the support of our couple’s therapist) to start seeing other people.
Soon after, I logged onto a dating app and met a man who became my lover. First, we had pretty vanilla sex, but one day, we started looking around online for sex toys and landed on a well-stocked website where we found the BDSM section.
I was blown away; I had no idea people were into this stuff or that any of these things existed. I had never even seen a flogger, ballgags, nipple clamps, or anal plugs. Both shocked and intrigued, I told him I wasn’t ready yet. He responded with a mysterious; “maybe you will be in a couple of weeks…”
He ended up being right as I spent the next days googling BDSM. I found a lot of things that caught my attention and was especially drawn to the concept of discipline and punishment. I suggested to my lover that we start there. This was about five years ago.
Then what?
We kept playing, and while very exciting, the relationship wasn’t healthy. I wanted to let go of him, but not of kink, so I googled BDSM Berlin to see if there were other kinksters around. That’s how I found my first munch and was introduced to Fetlife.
Connecting with the community opened my eyes to topics like consent and boundaries.
How have your kinks evolved?
My role evolved from a sub to a princess. It took me a while to accept this side of me—I felt like it was childish, superficial, silly, and immature—but now I can’t live without it.
I’ve discovered many kinks by chance too; once, in a threesome with an ex-lover, I realized that I get really turned on by watching my partner with another woman. With my last partner who was relatively new to kink, I started exploring my dominant side. I noticed that all the things I liked as a submissive, I also found arousing as dominant—mainly verbal humiliation.
What role does kink play in your life now?
Kink has become a big part of my sexuality as well as my social life. It allows me to live out parts in myself that I don’t get to live in my everyday life. I’ve also met my best friends in the scene!
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❥ Lou 35 | She/her | Heteroflexible | Monogamish A classy academic in the streets. Slutty princess in the sheets.
I guess I’ve just always been a pervert…
Sbtrctd’s story:
I didn’t discover that I was kinky, per se, I think I just always was. As a child, I remember getting weird tingly feelings whenever a torture scene would come up in a movie I was watching with my family. I can’t recall a specific scene, but whenever someone was restrained or had things done to them, it made me feel aroused, scared and weirded out at the same time.
I didn’t fully understand what those feelings were, but still knew they were sexual from pretty early on. I also started masturbating quite young; when I was about six years old or so.
My parents had a big book of explicitly sexual artworks hidden deep in a cupboard and I remember the day I found it. I was particularly drawn to one section in the back with a series of drawings depicting the story of a man being overpowered and brought before a mistress, whipped, degraded, and forced to having sex with both women and men. I think this was the first time I saw something like that in a sexual context — not just feeling sexually aroused by a random scene that wasn’t intended to be sexy.
From that day on I regularly took the book to masturbate to. Those scenes, fantasies, and ideas have been part of my sexual world and desires for as long as I can remember.
And I almost forgot…I have another funny memory from very early childhood. When my sister and I would take baths together, I’d ask her to pinch my nipple real hard because I was craving that sensation, for some reason. When it didn’t hurt enough, I’d ask her to make it more intense by using one of those yellow plastic eggs from inside a Kinder Surprise. So yeah, I guess I’ve always been a pervert!
How did this develop as you got older?
I was lucky to have a sexually open-minded first boyfriend from age fifteen; we tried a few things from bondage tape to ball gags and sex toys. I remember being particularly turned on when we needed to be quiet because his dad was in the next room. My boyfriend would cover my mouth with his hand while we had sex and tell me to be quiet. Thinking back, we were pretty kinky, although we probably wouldn’t have called ourselves that.
Following that, I was living pretty vanilla for a while. Only after I broke up with a long-term partner in my mid-twenties did I make a conscious effort to seek out the kink community in Berlin to live out some of the scenes I’d been fantasizing about since forever.
How have your kinks evolved since then?
Just as I change and evolve my kinks do too. There are certain things I know I like or even need, but I try not to see them as static. Instead, they change with my mood and needs on a daily basis. Someone once said that kink is a one-way street, and that’s definitely true for me; I get kinkier and kinkier with time!
What part does kink play in your life now?
Kink is a lot more than having my sexual needs met. Living out my kinks gives me a sense of empowerment; of taking control of my own life and sexuality. That’s a feeling I don’t want to miss anymore!
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❥ Sbtrctd 30 | She/her | Fluctuating | Non-monogamous Slutty babygirl working in the creative industry
I remember having fantasies of getting tied up and punished by Roman soldiers…
Velvetine’s story:
My desires to be dominated and tied up were dormant until I broke up with the person I’d been with for 12 years. It was a very stormy, and eventually toxic relationship, yet totally vanilla in the bedroom. I remember how I’d lie in bed, next to my then-boyfriend and fantasize about being tied up and used.
Four years ago and fresh out of that relationship I met a younger dude in a bar. He wasn’t especially kinky, but I recall getting so turned on by him lightly choking me during sex—and something just clicked in my mind. After him, I started online dating and swiped right immediately when I saw this guy with photos of handcuffs and whips. He was a really sweet man who took me on a deep-dive journey into my desires.
In hindsight, it’s clear to me that I’ve been subconsciously kinky since childhood. I read a lot and was particularly drawn to historical eras such as the Viking age or Roman times, and the witch hunts. I clearly remember fantasies of getting tied up and punished by Roman soldiers, and I returned, again and again, to a comic book called Prince Valiant where the hero’s wife gets kidnapped and tied up. My Barbie dolls also received their share of brutal treatment… I have no idea where I got the inspiration from since I grew up in a peaceful household where no one would ever raise a hand at anyone.
Then what?
After the relationship with my first Dom ended, I drifted back into a couple of vanilla relationships, but I missed powerplay and realized there’s no going back for me: I needed to get to know other kinky people and joined Fetlife and began going to munches.
Bondage had always been on top of my list of kinks and I was curious about Shibari but didn’t know where to start. I had no clue that there were things like rope jams and that I happen to live in one of the best cities in Europe when it comes to rope bondage.
The first time I had jute rope on my skin, I felt so high. It was a really strong moment, and being tied up is still one of my favorite sensations. It makes me feel incredibly submissive, and giving up control does something to my mind. It’s more than just feeling peaceful; the subspace states I’ve reached have been more powerful than any drug I’ve tried. My body naturally starts to tremble; it’s as if waves of pleasure and excitement from my brain flush down into the rest of my body. Very addictive!
How have your kinks evolved?
Looking back, I see how little I knew about concepts like boundaries or negotiation when I started. I’ve since realized I’m not into 24/7 dynamics. Instead, BDSM can be a very powerful tool that needs to have defined borders. When the play ends, it ends!
What role does kink play in your life now?
I went from knowing very little about Shibari to having it become a major part of my life in the past 9 months. I feel incredibly lucky to have met my lovely rope partner and all the new kinky friends I’ve made in the last year. I couldn’t imagine a life without any of it right now.
Having a sense of community has been so valuable and I believe I would have made much better choices early on if I’d been connected to other kinksters.
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❥ Velvetine 40 | She/her | Fluctuating | Polyamorous Rope bottom disguised as a linguist by day
I know, it’s super cliché, but ‘50 Shades’ had a lot to do with it
Wild-Katze’s story:
I think I knew from a very young age. I remember watching a late-night film with a scene in which a woman was chained to the ceiling while her partner was teasing and hurting her. I think I was about ten. To me, that seemed like a very natural way to play and it would never have occurred to me that some people might find this peculiar.
What happened after? How did you continue into kink?
For many years, I didn’t think about including power-play dynamics in my sex life, mainly because I didn’t take an active part in creating my sexual encounters. My early sexual experiences, between the ages of thirteen and seventeen, were mainly centered around male pleasure (aka penetration), and my first long-term partner of seven years was the most vanilla person you can imagine.
Still, it was during our relationship that I rediscovered my kinky side. I know it’s super cliché but the novel 50 Shades of Grey had a lot to do with it and put a finger on what I was missing. Unfortunately, my partner wasn’t interested at all, and, since we were monogamous I went through a long period of feeling unsatisfied.
At times it got so bad that I went online to search for people I could pay to give me the kind of experience I was craving (This was all pre-online dating. For me at least). I never went along with it, mainly because the websites I found all looked horrible; middle-aged men with ponytails and leather pants just didn’t turn me on.
It was only after I broke up with my long-term partner and met someone else—let’s call him D—that I had the chance to experience kinky sex. It was super playful; we tied each other up, used wax, and fell in love with anal sex and dirty talk.
After D came A who had known they were kinky for many many years. Our first date was at the bondage jam and we had a very special connection — both with ropes and in other types of play. With A I discovered that there was a kink scene, with workshops, munches, and a ton of other things I didn’t know about before. I discovered the pleasures of real pain (beyond the kind of pretend slap on the butt I had experienced before), real mental and physical submission, and a language to talk about what was turning me on. Because of A, I know about consent and how to play safely.
How have your kinks evolved since then?
I still really like being submissive but have also started to enjoy the dominant role over the past years. A few years ago I would have found the idea of water-play and age-play very strange, now I quite enjoy both.
What role does kink play in your life?
When I am in a relationship with a kinky partner it can become quite a big focus. Sometimes too big, I think. It’s hard to find someone who enjoys the same kind of play, in complementary roles, and I’m willing to sacrifice quite a lot for that.
At the moment, I have a regular rope partner plus a few other people I tie with on occasion. I have a play partner I see every few weeks and I’m dating two people who are kinky in different ways. I feel very fulfilled with that!
In general, there’s a lot to learn from the kink scene, especially with regards to communication and consent. Going through a checklist, talking about wishes and limits, and checking in afterward is something I often miss in the vanilla scene.
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❥ Wild–Katze 29 | She/Them | Queer | Polyamorous
Take away…
Receiving all of the answers from my friends, I only have more questions: Are some people predisposed to certain kinks? Are our kinks the results of nature, nurture or both? Are we all potentially kinky, in some way or another, and some have just not stumbled upon theirs yet? Where do they come from?
The one unifying factor in all of these stories seems to be that the discovery of a community of likeminded kinksters seems to have supported individual growth and development. Every story also shows an evolution that is supported in large by the people and communities we surround ourselves with.
So, now I am curious. How did you find out about your kinks and how have they evolved and changed? Feel free to answer in the comments. And if you have a lurking, yet unexplored kinky side, perhaps it’s time to look up your local community and see where the journey takes you?
