Curious About Joining Fetlife? Take My Hand and Let Me Guide You
The ultimate beginners guide to the kinky social network
I remember it as if it were yesterday; the day I sat down to join Fetlife. It was a bright summer morning, on the porch of a café in Mitte, Berlin. My hands quivering as I typed the URL into my browser, I was nuzzled in a corner to make sure no one could catch a glimpse of my screen when the glaring black and red welcome page popped up: Sign up now! Sensing I was about to enter uncharted territory, I took a deep breath—click—and down the rabbit-hole I went.
Now, after roaming the burrows for a few years, I know my way around. The nooks and crannies feel familiar and I’m rather comfy down there—at home even. But it wasn’t always so. When I first got there, I was shaking in my lace lingerie. I had no clue where I was, what I was about to find (yikes!), let alone how to navigate safely, without getting lost.
How did I end up there in the first place? My story isn’t uncommon; after many years in a vanilla relationship, I stumbled across it on my path to reconnecting with my sexuality. Regular dating apps weren’t really doing it, instead, I met people who pointed me in the direction of BDSM—and by default, Fetlife. At the time, I didn’t know what my kinks were but merely sensed them under the surface, and whenever I caught glimpses of the white rabbit on my path, I followed—faintly, yet daring at once.
It took three separate prompts from strangers online until I finally mustered the courage to create a profile. Filled with a sultry mix of fear, shame, and curiosity, I had to find out: What is this strange forbidden place that keeps calling my name?
Because I wish someone had taken my hand and guided me on that bright morning, I decided to make a handy guide for anyone else contemplating entering the dark side:
Welcome to Fetlife!
You made it to the site described as “Facebook, but run by kinksters like you and me.” Fetlife is a social networking site for those who are into BDSM, kink, and fetishism but unlike Facebook, it’s not monitored by prudish capitalists selling your information to large corporations. Instead, they encourage you to “feel free to be yourself and let your freak flag fly,” meaning that, beyond a fairly lenient set of community guidelines urging members not to “eroticize any underage, incest, zoophilia, necrophilia, or scat fetishes” almost anything goes—content-wise that is.
It’s a social site — if you want it to be
Fetlife lets you search out events and members by location, which is a great way to meet like-minded individuals in your area. I had no clue a community like this existed on my doorstep until I joined, which opened a whole new world. Apart from having found some wonderful play-partners, I’ve forged a solid network of friends—and I especially cherish my tight-knit group of female confidants from the scene.
Events and social gatherings
The site lists events that you’d be hell-bent to find out about elsewhere, such as munches. These small gatherings in ordinary locations are ideal opportunities to meet kinky people in casual settings and are far less intimidating than full-on play parties—which you’ll also find on the site. Besides, there are rope-jams (non-sexual learning spaces for rope bondage), workshops, meetings for specific kinks, public talks, poly-group meet-ups, and so on…
Nowadays, due to the pandemic, the above are replaced by zoom meetings, online courses, live streams, and other Corona-safe alternatives.
It’s not ‘really’ a dating site
While it can be a great place to meet play partners, lovers, and others to explore with, Fetlife is not set up to be a dating platform—all though some certainly use it as such.
If you don’t want to be contacted by strangers there’s a nifty Inbox Privacy feature that allows you to decide who can contact you and how.
It can be a place to see and be seen
The truth is that you can set up Fetlife to be whatever you want it to be for you. Be a voyeur if you like; share as little as you want about yourself and simply watch to learn, gain inspiration, feed your spank bank, and/or gawk at all the various kinks and fetishes you never even knew existed. Look, but don’t bother or harass anyone, and DO NOT kink shame when you encounter things you don’t like or understand.
You can also be a blatant exhibitionist: Get dressed up, put on a mask (or not), to create all the sexy, sensual, dirty, and erotic photos you’ve always dreamed of, but never dared to share. Here you can pose for the world to see while keeping your identity hidden. Whether you want to post hundreds of amateur close-ups of your genitals, or carefully crafted artsy photoshoots, Fetlife has a space for you. I can’t guarantee that you’ll be popular (or Fet-famous), but I can say with certainty that the site has an audience for things vastly outside the mainstream with all kinds of body types, sizes, (legal) ages, and kinks represented.
A place for creative collaborations
As a sex writer, kinkster, artist, and muse, I’m not always sure where sex ends and art begins, and vice versa. What I know is that sex is the ultimate expression of creativity and that the kink scene houses a plethora of other expressive souls who share the confusion above. Fetlife can therefore be a great place to meet people to create beautiful things with.
Setting up your profile
Are you ready? Let’s do this!
Pick your name
I don’t know anyone using their real name on Fetlife and that’s part of its beauty: You can be your uninhibited kinky-self simply because you get to retain a level of privacy.
Some pick a random name, others name themselves after characters, authors, mythical figures, or something else that represents their persona. Many are quite literal and will create descriptive names such as Voyeuristic-Photographer, MistressX, CuteBabydoll, StrictDominant, etc (these are random made-up examples FYI).
Let your FetLife handle be your chance to get creative and craft a persona or character that is you—but a side of you that you might not show elsewhere. Remember that whatever you choose can be changed, so if you’re unsure, pick something and rework it later.
Filling in your general information
There are a few things you’re allowed to lie about on the platform, which, apart from your name, include your age and location. According to Fetlife, there are a ton of really hot, age-defying, 100-year-old kinksters in Antarctica (…). Choosing these options is just a way of saying “I wish to remain anonymous and not share this information here”, which is understandable and acceptable on a network like this.
The things you should never lie about though, especially if you’re making contact with other members, is the rest of your personal information. Fetlife is open to all with 14 gender options and the same amount of sexual orientations to choose from.
Then, there’s your role, which is like trying to sum up your kink(s) in one word. With 77 (!!!) options to choose from, this is very confusing as a newbie! If you’re not yet sure whether you’re a dom, sub, top, bottom, switch, kinkster, hedonist, rigger, or any of the other ones, your best go-to options are found at the bottom of the list: undecided, exploring, or evolving are perfect places to start.
Your bio, fetishes, and limits
I know I recently listed having an empty profile as the number one online dating sin, but, Fetlife is (again) not specifically a dating app. You can therefore feel free to look around and take your time before you fill in all your info. Start with a couple of sentences about yourself and come back to it.
The same goes for the area where you can choose your fetishes. I remember feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of options—many of which I’d never heard of. Add a few, if you know them, and revisit as you discover more about your kinky self.
There’s an option beneath to fill out your limits. Here, your soft limits refers to fetishes and kinks that are outside your comfort zone but could be negotiable in the right setting. Your hard limits, on the other hand, are things you absolutely don’t want to engage in.
Last, but not least: Photos!
A slight exhibitionist, I personally think this is the most fun part! All though, in the beginning, I found it super scary as I’d never shared nudes of myself anywhere. When I look back at my album, I clearly see how timid I was at the start, yet how quickly that changed. (Wowza!)
To me, and many others, Fetlife is a wonderful place to explore self-expression through photography. It taught me a ton about myself and made me feel empowered and confident. If you’re curious to explore this, I can recommend Fetlife for this purpose alone, whether you want to share selfies or collaborate with some of the site’s many talented photographers.
Not sure what to post as your first photo? Anything (within the guidelines) goes as long as you feel comfortable. My first one was a smartphone mirror-selfie, in bed, wearing underwear and covering my face with my hand. As I said above, it quickly got saucier from there. Have fun with it!
All set. What now?
Before I let go of your hand to have you wander off on your own, I have a few more words of wisdom.
Kinksters are generally awesome people—but we can’t generalize!
I can talk for hours about all the wonderful, open-minded, self-reflected kinky folks I’ve met; those who fully grasp the nuances of consent and who have mastered the fine art of advanced sex in ways you hardly find in the vanilla world. But this pot, like any other, is mixed and full of exceptions, and even bad seeds.
This is an open network and thus anyone can sign up, including the creeps and others who don’t understand the ins and outs of decent social interaction on (or off) the site. There are those who join and believe they’ve died and gone to slut-heaven; suddenly everyone’s naked and they think it’s all up for grabs.
You’re very likely to receive your share of unwelcome advances, especially as a woman sharing intimate pictures. If you can get into the mindset of taking yourself and your own boundaries seriously, while not taking these random messages seriously at all, you’re off to a good start. You’re NOT obligated to reply to anything you receive in your inbox if you don’t want to—and make sure you use the Inbox Privacy feature. Also, delete, move on, and don’t hesitate to block and/or report users who overstep.
I’m saying this because some will say they have mixed feelings about Fetlife, and sometimes I do as well. Still, for the kink, fetish, and BDSM community it’s the only platform we have that unites us in this way; that gathers all in one place and allows us to come together and create, uncensored and without being sold out. In the end, I believe this makes it worth it.
Quick safety tips
Be as private as you want to in this space where you’re allowed, and even expected, to remain anonymous. For obvious reasons, this might also be a place where you want to protect yourself.
Set up a separate email address for FetLife that’s different and not connected to your personal email, and with a different password.
Use a nickname that’s unrelated to your other social media accounts, if you want to be extra cautious.
The majority of users don’t show their faces in their profiles. Feel free to use faceless pictures or photos where your face is blurry or covered.
Be careful with giving out any private information to anyone until you’ve either chatted a while and met in a safe location, cross-referenced the person with your network, or otherwise feel safe to do so.
To end on a light note; after using Fetlife for almost four years, I intend to stay put. I use and have used the site for all of the above: I’ve found some of my best friends and lovers here, as well as amazing creative collaborators, workshops, events, parties, and all kinds of other treasures. I’ve watched, read, and learned about practices and kinks that have opened my mind and allowed me to explore myself in brand new ways. Lastly, I’ve gone from a sheepish poser to an unabashed, fearless artist and muse.
What say you? Are you ready to head down the rabbit-hole too?
❊ The author wishes to keep her Fetlife handle classified for privacy reasons, but you can find us there as -SPNKD-. Happy discovery!
Discover SPNKD: Sensual lofts, indulgent products, expert-curated content, and exclusive events designed to unleash your deepest desires. At SPNKD, you are in control and your pleasure reigns supreme. www.spnkd.com
