Humor

Keke’s Vacation at the Beach

Lesson 37: It’s more fun for everyone when one of them sits in the back with you

I got very nervous the day before my first “road trip.” Suitcases were filled, and frenzied plans were discussed. I was assured these plans included me and would be a fun trip and a chance to visit unmet relatives, including three puppies.

I was skeptical, remembering the trip to the vet, which had been described in similarly glowing terms but was a big letdown. Humans exaggerate the fun factor when they want you to try something they know you won’t like, like Brussels Sprouts, seafood, or rectal thermometers. It might be fun to watch a French Poodle undergo a trip to the vet, but would you ever wish it upon a cute little Biewer Terrier puppy?

But back to the road trip preparations. I was concerned when I saw my crate, stuffed with all my worldly possessions, moved to the back of the car along with the luggage.

Was “the beach” some sort of code name, like the dreaded “puppy camp” that was discussed in hushed tones by other dogs? There was nothing to do but wait and see since I wasn’t given a vote in any trip planning.

I was also presented with a new bed, discussed enthusiastically as the ultimate in road trip comfort. I was encouraged to try it out, and when I hesitated, Mommy and Daddy took turns trying to curl up in it — obviously impossible, given the vast size differentials. It was like trying to convince me I would love the taste of the heartworm pill that they buried in a slice of my favorite roast beef. Sufficiently over-acted to arouse suspicions.

However, the bed was comfortable and a significant improvement over the previous blanket spread on the back seat. There was still the seat belt to contend with, but at least I could be strangled in comfort.

The following day, the last of the luggage, travel food, and yours truly were loaded in the remaining cracks and crevices between the seats, and we set off with enough supplies to endure a Lewis and Clark cross-country expedition.

As we set off to the melodic strains of Google Maps, I heard discussions about the length of the trip: an epic twelve-hour drive, which would be undertaken over two days to allow for sufficient pee-pee breaks, wrong turns, and temper tantrums.

As we pulled out of the driveway, I inquired whether we were there yet and invoked the agreed-upon pee-break warning.

This led to a discussion about who had last taken me for a walk. After agreeing neither had, they further agreed to see if I could hold it until we were at least five miles from home.

Having yet to receive an answer to my previous inquiry, I repeated my question regarding our proximity to the destination.

Eventually, three miles into the trip, they pulled over for a bathroom break. I didn’t really need to go, but since anxieties were high, I found it within myself to dribble a teaspoon of pee-pee to help decrease tensions.

Back in the car, I was told to sit quietly so we could put miles behind us. I agreed and waited at least five minutes before inquiring about our current map position.

The back seat was lonely and boring while they sat up front. Why should they get all the company while I sat alone? It seemed unfair.

It took a few more polite questions before I felt ignored and was forced to resort to more urgent pleadings to get my point across.

After an hour of this back-and-forth, or perhaps ten minutes, they pulled over and decided one of them would ride with me.

The lesson here is to induce fear into the hearts of your subjects. Not fear of physical harm, but fear of the repercussions of leaving you alone: Constant whimpering and barking can make a ten-minute trip feel like ten days.

And everyone had to agree that sitting in the back with me was much more enjoyable for all. We were able to play fun games like pat-a-cake, tug, and strip poker. I lost the first hand, which led to losing my only article of clothing, my harness.

Since my harness is what keeps me in my bed, this led to another fun game, “Where’s the puppy?!”

The conclusion of this story can be found here:

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