Just Because He Cheated On You Doesn’t Mean It Has to Be Over

Healing from infidelity is possible

There are so many people who just automatically assume a relationship is over after someone has cheated. You’ll even hear many professionals on social media just making this assumption.

Here’s the thing: It doesn’t have to be.

Just like anything, I think it depends.

Too often, people stop at “it’s all your fault.”

And I get it. When you find out, anger is high, betrayal is high, and you’re in shock.

But I want you to really take a moment and ask yourself:

Is it really all their fault?

The harsh truth of the matter is that it likely isn’t all their fault — it probably started way before they even decided to cheat.

What a lot of people miss about this issue is that every action has a reaction.

I am not saying that you’re responsible for their actions or that you made them cheat.

I’m recommending you consider your role in the big picture of your relationship — not just the specific incident(s) of infidelity.

No one can be a perfect angel in a relationship.

Let me provide a more concrete example:

Let’s say you’re in a relationship with your partner, and as the days go by, you feel more and more disconnected.

The honeymoon phase has passed and you’re feeling more comfortable with each other. Things aren’t as exciting. You’re used to seeing them every day, nothing is new (no dopamine is being released), and you both have your routines.

It might start with not greeting him with a hug when he gets home from work, then moving towards a simple “hey,” which then leads to a gestural acknowledgment or just a glance in his direction.

You feel like roommates.

The more time goes by, the more separated you feel — you feel lonely. You’re not getting the attention that you need and want from your partner.

And maybe one day a waiter at a restaurant gives you the attention you’ve been craving. You’ve been deprived of attention and acknowledgment — you feel starved, and you secretly kind of love it.

As you continue to feel increasingly alone at home, you keep going back to the restaurant, searching for this same attention that made you feel special for once from the waiter.

Maybe it turns into something more. You feel guilty, but also satisfied — you’re not sure what to do. You can’t tell your partner, it doesn’t feel safe, plus you’re ashamed and know you’re in the wrong — you don’t feel connected enough to be vulnerable.

Maybe you have an affair with the waiter, or maybe you stop yourself and only allow for an emotional relationship, either way, you’re being unfaithful. You like it and you don’t like it — it’s your guilty pleasure. But again, you don’t know what to do.

Then one day, the truth comes out. Your partner finds out — maybe he sees a suspicious text come through on the front screen of your phone or runs into you at the cafe flirting with another man. He is hurt, betrayed, angry, and in disbelief.

How could you do this to me?

And in your head and your heart, you feel guilty, you feel disgusting, awful, completely naked and vulnerable, not ready for the brutal truth to come out, but at the same time, you might be feeling, but how could you do this to me?

You can see here from this example that both parties are hurt. And neither party is communicating functionally at this point.

There are two sides to every coin.

To heal from infidelity in a relationship, it takes both partners to look at their actions and see the big picture.

Did your actions create an environment where your partner didn’t feel heard, validated, loved, or cared for?

In the example above, both partners engaged in actions that were harmful to the relationship and to each other; and neither partner functionally communicated with each other about the problem at hand.

Moreover, since no one communicated, the issue grew to levels that were out of control.

You can see that had the partners communicated with each other as things were starting to feel distant, the outcome in the relationship and the behaviors of each partner may have been very different.

Both partners must be able to understand, be vulnerable with, and accept their role in the situation and work together to build an even stronger relationship.

With infidelity, the previous relationship has been demolished (think of a relationship as a building that both of you build together)— that structure no longer has a foundation to stand on. But you can both choose to build an even stronger foundation and structure together through growth, functional communication, vulnerability, understanding, and acceptance.

How you choose to face your demons in times of adversity will determine your ability to use your experiences as a foundation for your life.

How will you decide to confront your challenges?

Read more about functional relationships here.

If you are interested in learning more about me as a healer, please feel free to visit my website.