WRITING FROM THE COUCH
Giving Up Popcorn Is the Key to Becoming a Better Writer
You may also have to quit streaming Netflix for awhile
Want to be a writer?
Who said “No?”
That’s right — none of you.
But I know what some were thinking. For a split second, you let doubt and worry weasel it’s way into your brain in that whining, skeevy voice — the one attempting to convince you to give up on your dreams, and that you’ll never be good enough or prolific enough to finish a single article you start, much less do it again.
Yeah, I have the same unwelcome, disrespectful visitor in my head, too. And she needs to find a new home. Because I’d started to believe her seductive taunts. After all, she sounded like she had all the answers. And her influence was striking a vulnerable chord, convincing me that trying to become a better writer was just too damn hard and competitive — even impossible for a minor league player like myself.
“Everyone else is better than you. Might as well give up.” Blasted vocal bitch — why can’t she find someone else to torture?
Maybe it was weakness or a need to surrender
Rather than argue with myself, I decided it was easier to hang out on the couch streaming Netflix and eating popcorn than to keep writing. That was more fun, even relaxing. And I couldn’t hear the voice in my head with all the crunching going on. Apparently my muse had gone to the dark side, turning me into a TV zombie who liked to eat buttery, salty snacks.
Still, I had a love/hate relationship with writing
And on those days and nights when my thoughts were left to wander and I’d licked the grease from my fingers, I couldn’t help wonder if I gave up too easily. The same thing happened when I was young and learning how to fly a kite. The damn paper plane kept doing a nosedive, eventually smashing the fragile frame to bits. I’d cry, wipe my nose on my sleeve, and go buy a grape snow cone.
But that’s another story. Let’s just say I finally discovered how speed, perseverance, and lift resulted in high-soaring success.
So I dug in, determined to hone my meager skills with the written word
It wasn’t easy, and when compromises had to be made, separation anxiety nearly took me out. At first, I brought my computer to the couch. Taking my usual half-prone position, I turned on the TV to stream my favorite series. Beside me was a bowl of hot, buttered popcorn — within easy reach.
I began surfing for all the usual key words and began my education. Stuffing a handful of corn into my anxious mouth, I scanned pages of promises, occasionally clicking on the ones screaming guaranteed success and an easy path to wealth. I could hardly wait to become rich and famous!
My eyes scoured the screen in my quest for knowledge, my brain buzzing like a thousand angry bees
But I knew something was wrong when my fingers started slip-sliding across the keyboard. And I was dizzy, my head about to explode from all the background noise.
A decision had to be made. Succumb to the distractions that had cradled me in peaceful stasis, asking nothing in return. Or cut the cord with my addictions and focus on learning how to write.
The popcorn had to go
While I wasn’t quite ready to disengage with Netflix, I set the volume to mute, hoping the quieter environment would ease the withdrawal process.
Over the next few months, I gained confidence and knowledge, often surprised at the number of mentors waiting for me to find them. In an altruistic gesture, I’m going to pass along everything I now know about this writing gig. Because there really is a stream-lined approach to success and riches beyond your wildest imagination!
For the record, I didn’t come to this decision lightly.
I considered that success usually doesn’t come easily, and overcoming hurdles and making concessions along the way was all part of the journey. And who was I to take that away from you?
But after a scathing rough-and-tumble with my questionable conscience, I’m about to let you in on all the tips, tricks, and secrets promising a smooth ride to writing success. Take it from me — you’ll only have to read this one single article to make the leap to stardom!
I’ve assembled — for the first time — a master-pack of wisdom and knowledge, a collection of powerful techniques from the anointed, just for you! Try to contain yourself. It’s best if you’re able to calm your twitching fingers and tapping feet so nothing slips through the cracks, including the stale breadstick crumbs clinging to your chin.
I promise all good things come in time
If you happen to have an impatient streak — often finding yourself chomping at the bit and drooling all over your keyboard with anticipation — it’s a good sign. It means you’ll appreciate the simplicity of the system. Because there comes a time — like today — when you don’t have a single thing on your mind to write about, and you need a butt-load of inspiration to get off your personal pity train.
Better sit down, because your head is about to spin
Fair warning: You may experience an orgasm, depending on how receptive and sensitive you are. I came close a few times myself. Because I’ve seen the golden scrolls, cleverly unfurled in articles and posts readily available to the willing and desperate with a simple, cursory internet search. Yes, there are a few missing sections, but that’s intentional and meant to keep you from bursting into flames.
Like a train light burrowing a hole through a dark tunnel, the reverent words of wisdom and glory have appeared right before my eyes. Deftly threaded through every article about writing in the recognizable universe, the unknown mysteries of the profession are ripe for the picking — tempting the weak and stalwart alike.
Do not attempt to avert your eyes. To receive full benefit, you must provide your undivided attention to the wizards behind the curtain.
I won’t sugarcoat the truth, and I promise not to keep anything from you
Because I’m a generous sort. And I know you will be, too.
So here it is — the quick, easy, smooth, and financially-secure road to a bright, shiny, rewarding, and successful writing future with nary a need to perspire. Take a deep breath and get ready. You’re about to be blown away by these 7 unbelievably simple steps — because 10 things would be way too much work.
1. Read every article like this
You can’t afford to pass up any story promising quick entry into the professional writing arena. And you can’t a chance that the one you don’t read might hold the key to your incredible future.
2. Believe every word in each story
All those articles wouldn’t be out there unless they were true. And now that we’ve established their validity by source, you must believe every single one. Consider it a treasure hunt, because you never know where the chest of gold is hidden — like finally finding a toy whistle in the tenth box of Cracker Jack.
3. Follow all the advice to the letter
Don’t even think of leaving out a single step or suggestion, especially the urgent calls to join, follow, subscribe, and check out every special offer at a discount price — if you act today!
4. Click on all the links so you don’t miss a single pearl of wisdom
Now that you have all that knowledge at your fingertips, it’s important to continue clicking along with the music — in perpetuity. Trust me, it’s worth it, even if you and your dog don’t eat or sleep for weeks.
5. Follow, highlight, and comment like crazy
Here’s the deal: Without your support and participation, no one else will believe the incredible storehouse of knowledge you discovered. How will others know the truth unless it’s backed by an impressive number of reliable, trustworthy readers? Just do it — your voice counts!
6. But wait, there’s more!
Remember to sign up for every newsletter, email list, and course mentioned. Each one offers a true gift — the opportunity to learn even more from every expert. Imagine the wonders laced throughout each page — secrets only revealed if you keep reading and sharing and following along.
Take advantage of all the extra goodies. Increase the credit limit on your platinum card if you have to, because it’s all great stuff you can’t live — or write — without.
7. Read this article again
I realize there’s a lot going on here, and maybe you’re not in the right mindset at the moment for a total info dump.
No worries, you can always revisit and review these simple steps over the weekend or when you find yourself with a few minutes to spare between streaming your favorite Netflix series and making a batch of popcorn.
That’s it!
The rest is up to you — that is, if you’re willing to give up hanging out on your comfy couch and stuffing your face all night, every night.
Personally, I have a craving for a snow cone. I think I’ll try cherry this time.
© 2021 Jill Reid. All Rights Reserved.
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Jill Reid is the founder of Pathway to Personal Growth and author of Real Life and Discover Your Personal Truth. Her books and articles explore life, happiness, relationships, health, and personal success strategies.
