Christianity | LGBTQ
Jesus Attended My Gay Wedding
The Story of a Gay Christian Wedding
Disclaimer: Throughout this article, I assume that my own beliefs are correct. Of course, this may not be the case, so please pretend there’s a little disclaimer to this effect before or after each sweeping statement.
Dan Foster recently wrote an article wondering if Jesus would attend a gay wedding. Dan answered in the affirmative, and I agree with him. Jesus attended my gay wedding, so I know.
In my Christian tradition, Jesus is present with us always. However, the ‘presence of God’ can be known and experienced in special ways at particular moments. We often recognise this as the Holy Spirit. It is hard to describe these moments. There is a deep sense of connection, of hope and love. For me, I feel a profound calm and peace when the Holy Spirit is present.
In September I married my partner of four and a half years, Alex, in a Church. We believe God was with us in the service, and was present throughout. Here is the story of how it came about.
Alex and I both attend church in the Church of England. Alex works for a church as an administrator, often supporting couples with enquiries about weddings. Some of those couples are not Christians, but they want their wedding to look good, so they get married in a pretty church building. As long as they’re not gay, they can do this. Gay people, no matter their faith, cannot get married in the Church of England. Like my husband, I worked in the Church of England for many years, as a youth worker and then as an adviser for ministry with and among children, young people and families. I finished working for the Church of England after almost fourteen years in June 2023.
Our work for the Church of England is one way we express our faith — our hope in the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The good news is life-changing, and it has led us to the careers we find ourselves in. It is unsurprising, therefore, that we wanted to get married in a Church. Our lives are committed to God, and to get married in a different place was not a reasonable possibility for us. Getting to the point of celebrating gay marriage ourselves, as men of faith, was not easy. You can read a bit of my self-acceptance journey here. However, once we understood we are loved, valued and cherished children of God as we are, we wanted to celebrate our love and thank God for it. This wasn’t possible in the Church of England, so we turned to the United Reformed Church, a denomination familiar to me as the tradition I spent my childhood within.
“That was a great service. It was so full of love.”
Celebrating and thanking God for our love meant a Church service full of song, laughter and joy, for us. We also wanted all those we know and love who do not have faith to feel welcome and included too. I’ve always found the Holy Spirit to be gentle and inviting for those who have not encountered it before. We wanted a service where God’s presence filled all there with a spirit of love, whether they believed it to be God, or just that they were having a nice time (indeed, maybe that’s all it was, but that doesn’t make it less special).
The Church
We chose to get married in Swanage, Dorset, a five-hour drive from where we live.
We holiday there at least once each year. My family has holidayed there for four generations. It is a special place to us.
Knowing that the CofE would not be able to conduct our wedding, we contacted the local Methodist and URC Churches. The URC Church responded promptly and positively. The Minister (Priest, Rector, Vicar in other traditions) invited us to meet with him when we were down there on holiday. We had a wonderful time sharing together, and we heard how, like us, he had moved from opposing same-sex relationships to wanting to bless them. However, each individual church in the URC has to agree to perform same-sex weddings. Swanage URC, at that time, had not done so. Not because they didn’t want to, but because they’d never got round to it.
The Minister agreed to ask the congregation if they would be happy for same-sex marriages to happen in the church and to begin the process of registering for same-sex weddings. We were delighted when we heard the congregation were happy for us to be married in the church, and we felt welcomed as part of the church every time we visited on holiday. Despite the congregation and Minister’s keen support, it took more than a year for the building to be registered. Fortunately, we had 18 months between that first meeting and the wedding. It felt a bit worrying at the time though!
The church building itself is beautiful, the inside dating back to the early 20th century. It has been modernised since then, in a way that keeps the feel of an old building. Unlike many churches, though, it does not stand alone. If you were walking down the street and weren’t looking for it, it would be easy not to notice. We put up bunting and large pictures from our engagement shoot to help people find it.
Planning the Service
We wanted the wedding service to achieve two things.
- We wanted our friends and family who do not identify as Christians to feel welcomed and included, and to encounter what we would call God’s presence.
- We wanted our Christian friends and family to worship God, and see that same-sex relationships are as holy as heterosexual relationships.
As both of us have spent years working for churches, leading services, preaching and praying with others, we felt confident in developing the service. Part of me was quite keen to write it from scratch. However, I am nothing if not partial to a head start, so I decided to peruse the already written URC Marriage Service. Well, it is brilliant. There was very little I wanted to change. Essentially, we filled in the gaps with songs and readings, and let the service flow. I wrote the timings alongside each reading, prayer, song or marriage vow and we planned the service to be 90 minutes.
Never ask me to leave you, For we have become one, Where you go, I will go, Where you live will be my home, Your friends will be my friends, Your family I will call my own, When you die, a part of me will die, And I will be buried with you when it is my time.
Yet even death shall not part us, For God’s love is stronger than death, God redeems us, God calls us, God unites us.
A reading from the service based on Ruth 1:16–17. © Copyright Jonny Masters 2023
A few days before the service, my Dad looked over the plan. He saw it was 90 minutes and called me, suggesting we shorten it. 90 minutes is too long for a service, he thought. Especially as children would be present. I explained I’d planned it with children in mind, and that the church had toys at the back for young children to play with. I also felt there was enough variety in the service to keep children engaged. Besides this, my whole job for six years was convincing churches that services do not need to be dumbed down for children. A good service engages everyone in multiple ways. I felt our service plan would do this. I stuck to the original plan.
The Ceremony
The rain was falling for days before the wedding, giving us constant anxiety. The day arrived and the sky cleared. The sun shone as my Aunt and Uncle drove me to the church. My husband and I had chosen to go with at least some tradition and avoided seeing each other before the service. He waited in a side room while I arrived, as I was going to walk down the aisle before him.
We had planned to enter to Simply the Best, the Noah Reid cover version of Tina Turner’s classic, heard in Schitt’s Creek. This didn’t happen. Alex, unbeknownst to me, had recorded himself singing it. He’s an incredible singer, and I somehow managed not to cry. The procession began.
My niece was six years old in September. She went first, looking radiant as she dropped petals to the floor every three steps. Next, I followed, arm in arm with my Mum who is beautiful inside and out. We walked slowly and I made eye contact with as many friends and family as possible as we walked down the aisle. I always feel special when a bride makes eye contact with me when arriving at her wedding, so I wanted to do that as a groom for as many guests as possible. Tears welled in my eyes as I took in how many people had travelled hours and hours to be there with us. Finally, I made it to the front, squeezed my Mum’s hand and watched as the bridesmaids and page boy walked down the aisle. One of my sisters (the other was filming), my other niece and my nephew all walked down the aisle. My best person, Hannah, and two of Alex’s closest friends were also part of the procession. I watched in awe as each walked down the aisle, looking stunning as I brought to mind treasured memories.
Then Alex stepped around the corner. I’d seen him in his suit before, but at that moment, as he walked with his Dad, he looked extra special. My best friend, my dearest, my love. I was more than ready to call him my husband. I couldn’t wait.
Alex reached me, and we held hands, smiling at each other and enjoying his recording. Eventually, we sat down. The service began in earnest. For the first part, we could enjoy sitting and being part of the congregation, worshipping alongside everybody else.
We chose a mix of old hymns and more contemporary music. We chose our readings carefully, and even paraphrased one of them, as above. Every moment was chosen to share God’s love and demonstrate God’s love and presence in our relationship. It was a special, sacred, holy service. God was glorified, and love was celebrated.
Halfway through Alex and I were invited to stand at the front. We stared into each other’s eyes for most of the time, and neither of us could stop smiling. It was amazing! We said our vows, exchanged rings and thanked God for our relationship. Our friends prayed for us, and eventually, it was time to leave. This time, Tina Turner herself would accompany us as confetti was launched from all over the church, like manna falling from heaven. It was Simply the Best.
Jesus was in Attendance
The ceremony was truly special. I believe that was because God was present throughout; Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We chose to celebrate our love in the context of God’s love, and in that time God’s love was almost tangible. One of our friends didn’t want to leave the church because of the joy that was present. Several family and friends who would not identify as Christians said how much they enjoyed the service. I don’t think they were just being polite, either.
I felt like we achieved our two aims. Christians had the opportunity to worship and celebrate the love of two people as a gift from God. Those who would not call themselves Christians felt welcomed and included in a church service. For me, that is because Jesus was present, making all feel welcome. Because that’s what Jesus does. He welcomes all.
