Self/Marriage

I’ve Never Been A First Wife

They say comparison is the thief of joy.

They say comparison is the thief of joy. Maybe that’s true.

I pondered that concept when I realized that in both of my marriages, I’ve never been the ‘first wife.’

The first time I got married, I was the second wife of my now former husband. The second (and hopefully last) time I got married, I also became the second wife.

I’ve never had that whole first-time experience with a partner.

I suppose it would have been nice to share that virgin journey of planning a wedding and the excitement of imagining a life together without that shadow of the ‘been there done that’ concept lurking under the marital bed.

The fact is that both of the men I’ve married in my lifetime came with lots of baggage. My first marriage wasn’t easy or smooth. It was tumultuous, ill-fated, and left me with my own heavy emotional load of suitcases to carry after the divorce.

What I had helped my ex-husband to unpack eventually became mine to carry. In my second and current marriage, we have managed to merge our combined emotional baggage into a functional relationship. It’s been difficult, but we’ve done it.

Do I wish I’d met my current husband a decade sooner with more of a fresh slate? Yes, I definitely do.

But there’s something to be said for wading through those deep waters of relationship mistakes to find out exactly what you don’t want. That’s not a bad place to start.

We all have high expectations when first contemplating the idea of what a life partner could potentially be like. We might expect that they have a stable job as well as be attractive, funny, modest, kind, generous, good with kids, good with animals, easy-going, committed, loyal, and the list goes on.

Finding a person with even half of those qualities is generally considered pretty lucky.

Through the trial and error of actual life, most people figure out that one human being alone cannot be the holy grail of perfection in a relationship.

Sometimes lessons have to be learned during a time that isn’t convenient. Sometimes an entire relationship or marriage is a lesson. One that you have to learn to walk away from when it’s over.

And this is why I’m not particularly upset about always being the ‘second wife’. I know that I have experience under my belt that has changed my perception of thinking there’s some perfect person out there for me. My expectations about love are based on reality, not a fairy tale.

While there may be those who met their first love when they were young and never looked back from that one true life partner, I am still proud of the messy journey that brought me to my current marriage. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without all that mess left behind me.

That trail of heartbreak and hard lessons has led me to where I needed to be.

So, I’m an expert second wife now and I can say that with a chuckle. There’s been another past before me. There’s been another love before me. There’s been another wedding before me. There’s been another heartbreak before me.

But I can’t let the past undermine my determination to make the best of second chances.

That’s what’s so beautiful about making mistakes. At some point, you do learn.

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Oh, by the way, I also have a podcast about being a stepmom. Check it out if you’re interested.