It’s Time to Take the Incels Seriously
Their complaint is too important to ignore
First, let’s get this one thing straight: no one owes anybody sex. Even married people (in most countries) have the right to say no to their partners when not in the mood. And to anyone who missed the memo: “blue balls” aren’t a thing. No one dies of sexual neglect.
What you owe someone who’s bought you drinks and dinner, you’ve already paid them with the pleasure of your company. Actually, I’ll take that back. A proper transaction would be company for company or treat for treat. “Next time I’ll pick up the check.” That’s how it works in my social circles.
So what you trade for sex, is sex, if that exchange appeals to both of you. It’s just that simple. Why should it be otherwise? Women want it just as much as men do.
Except, of course, it’s never been that simple in the past. Between religious rules requiring marriage, and patriarchal traditions that view women as men’s property, sexual exchanges have always been fraught. It’s only in the last century that women’s wishes have been a consideration in their sex lives.
Aye, there’s the rub. (Or lack thereof.) With women claiming their right to decide when and with whom to share a bed, the game has changed, creating a whole new cast of losers.
It used to be that nearly every man could find a bedmate if he wanted one. The wedding ring was his trump card, just as her virginity was every woman’s. Each had what the other wanted, and since the ratio of single men to single women stayed at roughly one to one, the system was a stable one.
But today’s young woman has wised up to what a raw deal that ring represents, and she may not choose to settle anymore. Why should she? She has options. She can have sex, a career, and babies if she wants them, all without tying herself down to a mediocre male.
So what’s a mediocre male to do?
In recent years, a group of mostly young (and mostly White and Asian) men has appeared around the ugly fringes of the internet. They call themselves “incels” — involuntary celibates — and they’re aggrieved at modern culture for depriving them of their God-given right to sexual and romantic partners.
What the incels claim is that, in our brave new world, 80% of women (including all the most attractive ones) are only interested in dating the highest-status 20% of men. They see it as a problem in women’s attitudes, specifically their fixation on appearance— irony, one assumes, is lost on these men — and money. They believe women have gained too much power, and that they choose to use that power to freeze out low-status men.
The incels are an easy target for derision. Imagine joining a group of self-proclaimed losers, announcing to the world at large, you’re so pathetic that no woman would ever want to sleep with you. And indeed, their self-loathing is quite palpable in the posts on Reddit’s Red-Pill board.
If they stopped with that complaint, it’s possible that some of them might end up getting lucky with a sympathetic woman now and then. But no. They make pariahs of themselves by hating women. All women. They still want to have sex with them, but love is absolutely off the table, since no woman can be trusted or respected.
Could it get worse? Yes! The incels have made common cause with an equally misogynistic, even more malignant group, the Pick-Up Artists (PUA). These men promote (and sell!) techniques to trick women into bed through verbal and emotional games. Techniques like “negging,” backhanded compliments designed to make a women question her desirability.
And we all know how much worse it can get than that, as several of these lonely misfits have achieved their fifteen-minute infamy by killing women. Several at a time. With guns, of course.
It would take a person of more saintly qualities than I possess to generate much sympathy for women-hating men, even ones so obviously miserable as these. Nonetheless, I think we need to ponder what they represent, remember that they were not born into those attitudes, and study their complaint as an important social issue. If compassion fails to trigger our concern, fear perhaps will do so: many of those men are being radicalized into White nationalism. Their vision of a better world looks like The Handmaid’s Tale.
Yes, they’re that despicable. And frankly, it won’t break my heart if they don’t reproduce. But I can feel compassion for the boys they used to be, and for boys like them who need encouragement to grow up with the confidence a man needs to compete for the attention of a liberated woman. So the question I think we should all be asking is, why does that fail to happen for so many males these days?
The incels’ plaint is, in a way, ridiculous: Women shouldn’t have the right to be too choosy, or they won’t choose men like us. But it is also true that many men are not equipped for dating in the fast lane, and they may indeed be left behind if they don’t have the qualities that modern women seek.
Their most spectacular self-own is in their guess at what they lack. In their mythology, it’s certain facial features. Seriously. Incels believe that all attractive women share a preference for a single facial type.
Um, no. There is no magic chin or cheekbone structure that will loosen every heterosexual woman’s knees. We are individuals, women just as much as men, and nearly all of us can find appeal in quite a range of faces, if we like the minds behind those faces.
It’s easier, of course, to blame your fate (your face) than to acknowledge all the things you could do that would make you more attractive. I won’t go through the list — several female writers here on Medium have covered that ground better than I ever could — but most of it comes down to growing up, being your authentic self, getting a life, taking care of your appearance, and working on your attitude. The rest is luck, as it has always been — luck defined as timing, meeting someone when they’re unattached — and perseverance.
Still, even though their explanation is a cop-out, the problem is a real one. The mating dance is way more complicated than it used to be, and a lot of males are having no success with it and giving up. And while sex is not a biological necessity, warmth and touch are human needs. We are social animals; we hunger for connection. To believe, while you are still young, that you have no chance at love or sex — that would constitute an existential crisis for most people.
Every generation in history has grown up with the promise they could marry someday if they chose to. The advertising industry — not to mention others such as clothing and cosmetics — is built on our desire for sex. How must it feel to have love thrown in your face 24/7 while believing it is something you will never personally experience? How would it make you feel about romantic themes in films and music? Where could you turn your gaze and not see either happy couples or attractive single women who aren’t interested in you?
Can we wonder that these men feel so alienated as to give up on humanity?
Just so we’re clear: my concern is for the future incels, not the current ones. The ones who’ve joined the movement — the incels and the PUAs — have left the human race, as far as I’m concerned, and though their grievance is legit and their pain real, their language proves they have become our enemies. Let them date inflatable sex dolls and leave the rest of us alone.
As for preventing their disease from spreading further, I believe the answer lies in helping boys grow up to be authentic men. Parents, teachers, coaches, pastors, are you listening? Influencers on social media, it’s time for all of you to step up. Rap and rock stars, you can get the word out if you try.
This is what all boys and young men need to understand, especially those who feel rejected:
- There is nothing wrong with how you look. All kinds of women like the looks of all kinds of men. Make the most of what you’ve got, and put a smile on. A friendly and confident attitude will do more for your appeal than designer clothes and perfect teeth.
- Grown up women don’t like men who act like assholes. Because they know it’s not an act. So, don’t be an asshole. But don’t expect a lot of credit just for being a decent human being. That will get you in the door, but it won’t be enough to close the deal.
- An adult relationship requires a minimum of 2.0 adults. Modern women look for evidence that you are one of those before they get too close to you. If they keep swiping left on your profile, the problem’s not your pictures.* It’s that the written part makes you sound self-absorbed and immature. (*But lose the shirtless bathroom selfie. Seriously.)
- Feminists are not your enemy. Neither are they anti-men. Feminists are simply people who think gender shouldn’t limit anybody’s options. Feminists think all of us deserve the freedom to be who we are.
- The people on the internet who tell you liberated women are the problem — those people are attempting to exploit you, not to help you. If you listen to them, they will make an asshole out of you and crush your chance of ever finding love.
- Yes, there is a lot of competition. And yes, empowered women have high standards. So keep working on yourself so you can meet those standards. Never-Never Land is where boys go who won’t grow up.
- Life doesn’t come with guarantees. You might do all the right things and still end up unpaired. That happens sometimes. But if you put yourself out there and keep on meeting people, you are sure to make some friends. And if you keep on working on yourself, you’ll end up feeling good about the person in the mirror. The work of growing up will be a good investment in the long run.
Growing up. Yeah, that’s most of what this is about. The definition of sexual maturity has been updated to include emotional maturity, a change long overdue. But that means we as a culture need to try a little harder to bring boys up to the higher standard we have always asked of girls. Patience, kindness, self-control, and sensitivity to others’ needs. Cooperation, readiness to compromise. Manners. The ability to listen. Since when are all these virtues strictly feminine?
The incels claim the game is stacked against low-status men. The truth is that it finally got unstacked, after centuries of being rigged to favor men regardless of their quality or lack thereof. Men are being forced now to compete for female company, and some of them have no idea how to go about it. Maybe if we offer boys a clue or two, they won’t end up giving up and turning to the dark side.
This article was inspired in part by Ija Mei, who also provided editorial support. See her take on the issue here:
More from Edward Robson, PhD, MFA:
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