Why I’d Never Date an Anti-Feminist
If she won’t stand up for her sisters’ rights, she won’t stand up for yours
Some men claim feminists have ruined dating.
They yearn for those old-fashioned girls. Girly girls who loved those take-charge men who held doors, ordered for them both, and paid for everything. Girls who’d never think of talking politics — or challenging their date’s — and wouldn’t scream assault if someone tried to steal a kiss.
Those were the days, right? Before the women started getting uppity. The world was simpler. Everybody knew their place, and a man’s place was on top. Women in those days (as men recall them) wanted nothing more than to be wanted by a man who could provide for them. To be married. To be mothers.
Good news for those un-woke men: not every woman is a feminist. Anti-feminists are getting scarce, but if you’re lucky (and rich) you can still find one who’ll play those sweet old-fashioned games with you, and maybe even let you think you’re winning.
But real talk, no one wins that game. It is, after all, a tease to a transaction. It starts off with impression management and ends with exploitation. Both sides are calculating constantly. Hints and promises. Disclosures and commitments doled out grudgingly and seldom fully trusted. And marriage, the traditional objective of both players, rarely lives up to its promise.
Real talk, no one wins that game.
A smart man’s best friend — in the dating world, at least — will be an ardent feminist. She may not make things easy for him, but she’s far more likely than her anti-feministic sister to be an honest broker when negotiating terms of a relationship. Here’s what I mean:
Feminism rejects strict gender roles.
Traditionalists defend old views of what men should be — tough and strong, ambitious and competitive — and all the rest of what goes into stereotypical male interests, talents, and attitudes. A classic woman will respect the way you never let your feelings show.
A feminist wants you to be yourself. You’d rather drive a Prius than a pickup truck, prefer the History Channel over ESPN, and like to cook Chinese? You get discouraged sometimes and might crave emotional support? Guess which kind of woman will respect your individuality?
Feminism looks beyond appearance.
Many men complain that women only want to date tall, handsome, and athletic men. (Ironically, those same men only want to date women with flawless faces and hourglass figures.) And it’s true, attractive people of whatever sex and gender do get more attention in the dating world.
But remember, the “beauty contest” model is the way the game was played before, and it’s the anti-feminists who want to keep it that way. Many feminists protest against the huge cosmetic industry, not because they don’t like makeup, but because that industry promotes unrealistic standards of what human beings ought to look like.
So if you’re using dating apps, the feminists will be the ones who read the words beside your pictures, because they know you’re more than just another pretty face.
Feminists regard sex as a good and healthy thing.
Those sweet old-fashioned girls with their sweet old-fashioned values dangle sex in front of men like it’s a bauble they should vie for. The winner must not only out-charm his competition, but also prove his earning power and convince her of his willingness to make a permanent commitment.
But will he end up making that commitment if she gives him what he wants before the knot is tied? And will he lose interest if she makes him wait too long? No one knows for certain — it’s a game, and sometimes people lose.
The anti-feminist may feel obligated to play coy and flirty over sex, since she’s supposed to hold out for a wedding. “No one will buy the cow,” her mother told her, “if you give the milk away for free.”
Feminism doesn’t play that game. The liberated woman does not see her body as a prize to be claimed, a cow to be milked, or a token to be traded for security. It belongs to her, as do her sexual feelings, desires, and decisions. She rejects the old conditioning that associated sex with shame.
Feminists aren’t laser-focused on a ring.
Traditionally-minded women tend to view dates as a screening process for long-term relationships that lead to marriage. If you fail that vetting — meaning insufficient earning potential, the wrong family background, or unreadiness to settle down — you’re likely to be taken to the curb with little fanfare or discover she’s stopped answering your calls.
The feminist is far more likely to enjoy a date just as a date: a good time shared, maybe even something more if the chemistry is right. She may (or may not) be willing to consider marriage at some point, but she isn’t looking for a man to make her life complete.
Which means you need not look like a potential husband to hold her interest. You don’t have to be perfect, just don’t waste her time. If she finds that she can trust you for good company and stimulating conversation, your odds are good of seeing her again.
You don’t have to be perfect, just don’t waste her time.
Feminists aren’t gold diggers.
The traditional approach to dating — favored by many women and especially by anti-feminists — takes advantage of the expectation that the man should pay for everything. The rationale provided by the ones who would defend that rule is that it lets him show off his ability to be a good provider.
When combined with the flirtation game, it’s easy to see why some men would end up feeling women can’t be trusted. She may not even like him all that well, but she’ll keep him buying her expensive dinners, drinks, gifts, and trips until she tires of him or finds another patsy.
The feminist philosophy is big on equity and fairness, even in such minor matters as who pays for coffee on a get-acquainted date. Some men take offense, but it’s a good way to avoid the end-of-the-evening pressure and resentments. “Look how much I spent, and I don’t even get a goodnight kiss?”
Me, I’ve never been a rich man, and I appreciate the way the feminists I’ve dated tended to be sensitive to how much I was spending and would often ask to share expenses, go Dutch, or take turns picking up the check.
But, don’t feminists hate men?
Some do, yes. (In many cases, from too much experience with misogynistic and abusive ones.) Most don’t, though. Feminism is a movement seeking better lives for everyone, including men, by changing social norms that force us into sex-based scripts. Feminists believe we all deserve the freedom to be who we are.
Anti-feminists want to preserve the old traditions that dictated men’s and women’s roles in life, including the artificial roles we play in dating. Some of them see feminism as a threat to family and church. Some don’t want to face the thought of life without a daddy to take care of them. Some may even think men really are superior and should be running everything.
Me, I have no faith in those traditions, no patience in the games that they would have us play, no interest in attempting to be what they say a man should be.
We all deserve the freedom to be who we are.
Dating ought to be about exploring possibilities.
Feminism represents a future in which we may learn how to appreciate each other, not as objects to exploit for pleasure or for profit, but as individuals, all different, all with lives that are as precious as our own. That’s the hopeful world I want to share with friends and talk about with dates.
It’s been a minute since I was a young man, but one thing has never changed in me: I still can’t talk with people who have no imagination, especially ones who think the status quo should not be challenged. And even more especially those who think “You’re male, I’m female” tells us all we need to know about each other.
That’s why I’ve been a feminist for nearly fifty years.
More from Edward Robson, PhD, MFA:
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