It’s (Probably) Not Your Fault Your Child Is Struggling

Every child is on a special journey

As mamas, we take on a lot of responsibility.

Responsibly transforms into blame. If your infant becomes sick, it’s your fault for taking them out in public too early. When your baby pukes, it’s your fault for overfeeding them. If your baby cries when you set them down, it’s because you hold them too much.

The “mom blaming” remarks never end.

Each time you hear the blame statements, your heart weighs heavier and heavier, and the words reverberate in your head.

It’s your fault, you’re his mama, they say.

If your child is diagnosed with autism, you’ll be told it’s because you took too much Tylenol.

If your child struggles to speak, it’s because you didn’t talk to them enough or read to them enough.

The blame comments sting because you probably thought them long before you heard someone else speak them out loud.

“He spends every day with you,” my husband reminded me multiple times before my child started daycare any time my son struggled with a new skill.

My son hit every milestone on the late end of normal: Sitting, crawling, and walking. I’ve always said he’s a stubborn child. He’ll do what he wants when he wants–just like his mama.

My son recently started speech and occupational therapy after his evaluations indicated he was delayed in both areas.

We already knew he was struggling after observing other toddlers in his class. His teachers expressed concern, which prompted his evaluations.

We sat in his first speech therapy session and watched him play with cars, observing him become more expressive than we’d ever seen him.

The speech therapist pointed out that he is saying a lot, we just can’t understand him. He’s struggling to pronounce words.

When I was pregnant, I looked forward to reading to my baby. I knew reading to young babies was supposed to help with language development. I also had fond memories of my mom reading to me as a child. I wanted that for my child.

My son first showed interest in stories at four months old when I read him a book called Too Hot To Hug. It’s a story about a little boy who finds a baby dragon (who, as the title suggests is “too hot to hug”).

He giggled nonstop when I read him this book, and I always emphasized the words and used silly voices.

As he became mobile, we read less. Getting him to sit still was a challenge, and he didn’t seem interested in the stories. I wonder if we had continued reading, would his language have improved as normal?

Speech isn’t his only challenge. He’s clumsy, and his daycare teachers also pointed out to us that his left thumb functions differently than his right. He holds it in, which is evident in photos from when he was a tiny baby.

How had I not noticed this sooner? I wondered.

He was late to open his hands, and our doctor had brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal. He emphasized we needed to motivate him more to reach for things, but he had little interest in grabbing toys regardless of what we did.

We had a consult with a pediatric hand specialist in August about his hand after seeing a pediatric orthopedic specialist. Initially, they thought he had a congenital clasped thumb.

Three months passed between the appointments, and his thumb started to come out during that time. It’s not as extended as his right thumb, but it’s still an impressive improvement.

The hand specialist concluded it’s not something physical, but likely something neurological.

He continues improving each day. Recently, he’s started walking up the stairs with both legs. For the longest time, he only could walk up the stairs with his right side. And most recently, he climbed a rock climbing set that required him to use both legs.

Every child develops at his or her own pace.

The brain’s neurons are constantly evolving in early childhood.

Could I have read to him more? Maybe. Could I have noticed his thumb issues sooner? Yes, but the doctor didn’t seem concerned. As a first-time mother, I didn’t know better, and you can’t do what you don’t know.

Every child is special and unique.

Your child’s struggles are probably not your fault. As parents, we do what we think is best for our children in the moment. Sometimes we get lost in the shuffle of life, and we don’t do everything we wish we had.

I remember right after my son was born, I was struggling with breastfeeding and was being hard on myself.

A nurse gave me some noteworthy advice, and I’ll end this by sharing her words:

“Give yourself grace, Mama.”

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