It’s Okay to Feel Discouraged

To feel better, accept and lean in

There are a lot of articles about how to make ourselves feel better. I’ve written a few of those myself. However, when we feel bad or discouraged, it’s important to allow ourselves to feel what we feel without trying to “fix” it. Too many rah-rah, rally-the-troops articles when we’re down for the count aren’t helpful and may be harmful.

“A generally positive outlook is not harmful. However, a person who believes that they must only be positive may ignore serious problems or not address underlying mental health issues. Similarly, people who demand positivity from others may offer insufficient support or make loved ones feel stigmatized and judged.” — Medical News Today

Emotions are neither right nor wrong. They are triggered by our characterization of something — usually an event — as either good or bad. It’s raining, and I have to drive a long way, so I characterize the rain as “bad” and feel grumpy, annoyed, or even angry. On the other hand, it’s raining, and my prize-winning garden is dying from the drought, so I’m overjoyed by the rain. Rain is rain, my characterization of it determines how I feel about it.

If we feel discouraged, we may be harboring discouraging messages like everything sucks, my life/work is a mess, there’s no way out, I’ll never [fill in]. These doomsday messages carry a double whammy because we believe they are true. The more we believe these messages, the more confirmation bias rears itself as we search for proof that we’re right. We ruminate on every past mistake and action that led to this moment, and the more we brood, the worse we feel. Trying to apply a positivity bandage just deepens our hopeless, helpless state of mind.

“Rather than trying to suppress your feelings, work to be a mindful observer of them. Notice the emotions that you experience and where you feel them in your body. Then, try to cultivate a curious and nonjudgmental stance. Our emotions are often messengers which signal something important that we need to pay attention to.” — Jennifer Rollin MSW, LCSW-C, Psychology Today

Instead of ruminating, resisting our feelings, or trying to apply a positivity bandage, we need to treat ourselves with emotional intelligence just as we would a treasured friend and accept our feelings for what they are. By acknowledging and accepting that we’re in a tough spot. we open the door to more resourceful thinking about our present situation. We gain perspective and the ability to address objectively what brought us to this place of discouragement. We flip the switch from powerlessness to resourcefulness, so we can begin to remedy the situation in which we find ourselves.

“What we don’t bring into light, and don’t acknowledge to ourselves, grows in the dark.” — Dragos Bratasanu

Thanks for reading, Patricia

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