It’s Okay to Be Sweet to Yourself

The Fifth of Seven Lessons from 1,000 Meditations

This is the fifth of seven articles about the lessons learned from one thousand meditations. If you missed the last post, check it out here:

Last year, I set a goal to meditate every day to cope with my lifelong companion: Anxiety. I recorded my sessions and managed to reach 1,000 meditations by the end of the year, blowing my primary target out of the water. Understanding that it is completely okay to be sweet to myself is the fifth of the seven lessons I learned during my meditation journey.

Whenever starting something new, it’s easy to ride the high of motivation coursing through your veins. The trouble is that the high will wear off, and obstacles will come. It’s not an issue if you fail or not, but it matters how you fail. This starts with how you treat yourself. Check in with the voice inside: are you sweet or salty?

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” ― C.G. Jung

Self-love and self-improvement are companions. In order to be successful in self-improvement you need self-love. To love yourself you need a positive relationship with yourself. Building a positive relationship is a laborious task and calls for you to accept yourself as is. This can be frightening.

One can accomplish this goal through hard work and determination, but failure is always a possibility. In the moments following defeat, your internal dialogue switches on. Many have the knee jerk reaction to use these opportunities to hurl insults at themselves. I am inclined to say that this is unacceptable, but it isn’t.

Expressing discontentment is an appropriate response to failure, but it is not the best route one can take. A path laid by love is much more favorable and can be done by treating yourself like any other friend (yes, you can be friends with yourself). Allowing time to feel your emotions is imperative. Every now and then, a pipe may burst and trigger abusive reflexes. This is what I’ll call pejorative love.

Although showing dissent towards yourself is less than ideal, pointing the finger at yourself in the face of failure can be sobering. The fact that you take the time to reflect on defeat shows that you care, even if the expression is inherently negative. Accepting this truth opens the opportunity to accept yourself as you are. Don’t be hard on yourself, be sweet to yourself.

This became apparent to me when making mistakes and trying to hold myself accountable. For example, say I tripped on the curb and scraped my knee.

On the offensive, I say “Oh you idiot! How could you be so clumsy?”

Here comes the defense, “I didn’t see the curb, how could you be so mean? You’re a jerk for reacting this way!”

“But wait, you are maliciously fighting back, time for another round of insults!”

Okay see where I’m going? I find myself in a feedback loop of disapproval. This isn’t sustainable or productive. Self-talk must improve, but its okay to fail and even be upset with yourself about it. Accept it for what it is, forgive yourself, and move on.

How you treat yourself all starts with how you speak to yourself. Is this how you would speak to a friend going through a tough time? Or are you tearing apart your actions as if you’re grading a dissertation? If you struggle with this, there are ways to convert this negative habit into a positive one.

I currently use loving-kindness and progressive relaxation methods in my daily schedule. These are phenomenal ways to express love to yourself and others. A part of self love is self care, which is also hard work (don’t forget to rest). Get closer to yourself! It will bring positive growth into your life.

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