It’s Official. We Now Have Permission To Say No To Video Dates
The research is in. Video dates are mind-numbing and gross.
If you lived through the quarantine years single, you might still be recovering from VDT — video date trauma.
We tried to treat them like real dates. We made fruity cocktails, adjusted our ring lights, and remembered to wear pants in case the camera angle changed. Unfortunately, most people reported that video dates led to stilted in-person dates.
Now, with pandemic numbers down in most areas (for now), single people prefer to meet in person.
Unfortunately, not everyone has got the message.
I once matched with a guy on Hinge, and his very first message to me was this:
“Would you like to set up a video date?”
No, “Hello,” or “A pleasure to meet you, Ms. Beccia,” or “Why are you climbing that rock wall in 3-inch heels?” (Don’t ask. It was a dare.)
First off, video dates are for people raised by jackals. There. I said it. Set the video star trolls loose on me. A video date is as romantic as dreaming you had sex with the My Pillow guy. (That might be a personal reference. And I am blaming too much late-night news.)
The unwashed masses of Reddit will back me up. I recently read a thread where a woman wanted to know why men still asked women out on video dates instead of in-person dates.
The answers from single people were all the same.
Obviously, video dates are a prescreening method. But not to know if someone had half a brain. Not quite. They were screening out the people not hot enough to spend $2.50 on a cup of coffee.
Brace yourself…I am about to say the quiet parts out loud.
People who prefer video dates to real dates are shallow, cheap, transactional, and unromantic. When someone won’t put on pants to meet you, they are L A Z Y.
I already know the arguments. The proponents of video dating say it “saves time,” and time is valuable. And besides, you can determine chemistry online just as easily as in person. Right?
Yeah, sorry, science says differently.
Researchers from Stanford University scanned people’s brains and found greater activity in the brain’s reward region during in-person communications compared to video interactions. The researchers found several reasons video killed that feel-good intimacy, but here were the main ones.
Video changes the natural human gaze.
Interestingly, researchers found that gazing straight at someone is too intense. Think about it. When we square off with a stranger, it becomes adversarial.
That is why body language experts recommend that you sit side by side with someone on a first date and not directly across from them. Sitting side by side allows you to gaze into someone’s eyes and then look away. There are stops and starts in the connection. In other words, you get breaks in the intimacy level.
Not so with video. You are imprisoned in a Zoom box, looking straight at someone. Awkward.
Video causes cognitive overload.
When we are on a video date, our brains must work much harder to pick up nonverbal cues.
On an in-person date, our brains can more easily decipher body language, voice, cadence, or smell. We feel a light touch on the knee, smell the heady scent of cologne, or see the crinkles in the corners of someone’s eye when we share a joke. Attraction is part mystery, part familiarity.
Video filters out all these nuances and sensual details. Sure, you are experiencing someone’s voice and appearance on video, but it is through an uncanny technology our brains have not yet adjusted to. In other words, videos scramble our lizard brains.
Videos cause people to zone out.
The researchers found people paid more attention to someone in person than on video. Well, duh.
We all know that video interviews are associated with work, not romance. Every writer and artist will tell you this, when it comes to attraction, setting matters.
However, when we are on an in-person date, we experience the novelty of a new place. And our curious brains are built for novelty. There’s nothing new and exciting about your bedroom.
Video is emotionally exhausting.
During a video date, most people don’t turn off the self-view. Imagine if you went on a date with a mirror held in front of you the entire time. Just gross.
Another interesting study on “Zoom fatigue” found that it was not video conferencing that caused exhaustion. It was video conferencing with the camera on that exhausted people. In other words, humans didn’t experience fatigue if they heard someone only.
That’s one point for the phone and zero for the video.
Why the phone is better
To be clear, prescreening a date with an old-fashioned phone call is always wise. Safety should be everyone’s number one concern.
I also understand that people get catfished on dating apps. And yes, it sucks to waste an evening with someone you cannot find at the bar because they look nothing like their dating app profile. The liars are wrecking romance for the rest of us. I already covered this one.
I rarely get catfished for one reason — I always prescreen men I meet on dating apps on the phone. (I also meet most of the men I date in real life and not on dating apps.)
But I don’t use phone dates to weed out men who are not hot enough. I use it to weed out the men who are not honest enough. Here’s the thing about liars. They almost always tell more than one lie. When I catch a man in a fib or gross exaggeration, I know there’s a good chance he also lied about his looks. Next…
The precious eggs dilemma
I am sensitive to the downturn in the economy. I am making half of what I used to, and because I always pick up the check when I don’t want a second date, dating gets very expensive.
Here’s a solution. Go on fewer dates. Put quality over quantity, and stop treating dating like a numbers game. More choices do not lead to better decisions. That’s not dating with intention. That’s sport dating.
But I see this problem often with modern dating. No one dares to put all their precious eggs in one basket. Instead, we spread our eggs out in multiple baskets. Unfortunately, you can’t make an omelet with one lousy egg.
Sadly, dating apps have commodified romance into a heartless exchange of resumes, checked boxes, and enough anonymity to disrespect each other. The sterile video date and dreaded coffee date are merely a byproduct of our instant gratification society. No one wants to give someone their undivided attention.
I see an easy solution to this thorny conundrum — courage. Have the courage to leave your house and meet that scary stranger. Yes, many people will disappoint you. But instead of expecting someone to sweep you off your feet with one charming smile, expect nothing more than sharing a delicious drink and some witty banter.
People can surprise you when you don’t approach love from a transactional standpoint.
“Love is no assignment for cowards.” — Ovid
Do you know that trite expression, “You will find love when you stop looking?” People always misunderstand that expression. No one ever finds love sitting at home in their underwear. It’s not when you stop looking that you find love. It’s when you stop expecting.
So lower your expectations, not your standards. And please, have the standards to say “no” to a video date. You deserve someone who will put on pants for you.