It Is Pretty Strange Dealing With Emotional Abuse
“You survived the abuse. You’re going to survive the recovery.”
Honeymoon phase
We met each other when I was at one of my lowest lows. My dad had just passed. I was also on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend. You could say I was transitioning into a new phase.
A common friend had introduced us. We chatted every day after work. We both loved food, wellness, and goofiness. We were also a conservative and spiritual pair, so it didn’t take too long for us to hit off. Then we started spending a lot of time around each other.
It was all new and things were exciting until…
Horror phase
Since we spoke to each other often and planned lots of activities around each other, you could say we were always in each other’s faces. It wasn’t long before I noticed the oddities.
My friend could be Cheerio with you today, but by tomorrow, would turn Stone Cold Steve Austin on you. No heads up, no warning, no logic, nothing…
You could never plan long-term cos unlike weather forecasts, you never know what’s coming.
One day, you are the BFF sent from heaven, the next day, you are the enemy sent from hell.
This foul mood was so infective that the longer you stayed, the more likely your mood would turn foul too. A few times, the foul mood would follow with verbal foulness.
There were jealous fits and possessive fits. Sometimes, there was an issue with passwords on my laptop or my cellphone. It was always one thing or the other.
For a while, I watched this happen and would wave it aside. But with time, I noticed it was a behavior pattern and would unlikely stop.
I also noticed there was a manipulative undertone and everything began affecting me psychologically.
How am I coping?
I reached out to our common friend to share my experience. His response: “He is a nice guy, but that’s one of his weak points. You’ll find a way.” In my mind, that was an easy response to give if you don’t spend too much time around one person.
The more people I met who knew him, the more they reiterated what the first guy said. A lot gave credence to the anger fit.
So, I took some logical measures. Whenever the foul mood would start, I’d excuse myself from the environment ASAP.
It allowed me to spend time with other friends who I hadn’t spent time with cos of this new friendship. It also helped me to do many solo activities that I wasn’t able to do when I was with my BFF.
Finally, I used my quiet moments to do self-talk and reassure myself that I wasn’t at fault for my friend’s behavior. This step was super important cos when you spend a lot of time with people like this, your self-narrative could change for the worse.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that mean to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, and dismissiveness, among others.
One of the hardest parts is seeing the truth of who a person is and yet wanting to believe the best of them. Truthfully, the situation messes with your mind.
Whichever way, I watch out for myself. No one is going to do that for me. I haven’t walked away but I reduce the time spent together. That way, damage control is less.
I also ensure I am not financially handicapped cos that just disempowers me.
Now, in my friend’s calm moments, I highlight the gravity of the situation and hope to God; that they listen and get help.
For those who don’t easily recognize emotional abuse…
Here are some red flags according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
They name-call you or demean you.
They try to control you, your time, and your actions.
They tell you what to do and what to wear.
They often make you feel silly or dumb.
They question your reality and say that things that you know happened didn’t happen. This is called gaslighting.
They are critical of your appearance.
They are jealous of time spent with your friends or family.
They punish you by withholding attention or affection.
They don’t want you hanging out with someone of another gender.
They make threats to hurt you or others to get what they want.
They want you to ask for permission before doing something or spending time with other people.
They monitor where you go.
They stalk your whereabouts.
They don’t want you to work.
They embarrass you in public.
They don’t trust you and act possessively.
They threaten breaking up or divorce to manipulate an argument.
They want access to your phone, your passwords, or your social media.
They threaten suicide during arguments.
They are constantly accusing you of cheating.
They blame you for their unhealthy/abusive behaviors.
They make you feel guilty or immature for not wanting to have sex.
They overload you with compliments and gifts and then use that to manipulate you later (love bombing).
My best friend meets some of these criteria.
“Most of us have unhealthy thoughts and emotions that have either developed because of trauma or hardships in their childhood, or the way they were raised.” — Steven Seagal
