Is True Love Enough To Weather The Storms Of Life?

Marriage is a tsunami of feelings, expectations, and family dynamics; what matters most is where you stand in its wake.

In true love, you attain freedom. When you love, you bring freedom to the person you love. If the opposite is true, it is not true love. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. ~Thich Nhat Hahn, from the book True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart

Did you know that September 19, is national first love day? I married my first love. Met him in 1982, as a newly minted freshman on the campus of Southern Illinois University, in Carbondale. We married four years later on September 20th, 1986.

My father also married his first love, his second, his third, his fourth, his fifth, and his sixth. You read that right. My dad was married a whopping six times before he turned thirty.

Dad finally got the hang of it when he married my mother. She was lucky number seven. They stayed together for more than 50 years. She was his rock. She was with him when he took his final breath.

Mom said Dad went peacefully, with an ethereal smile on his face. That made it easier for her to let him go. I cannot say the same.

Thirty-Seven Years Ago

My father walked me down the aisle. He gently lifted the veil off my face. He looked me square in the eyes and in a not-so-quiet voice said, “It's not to late to make a run for it!”

The priest rolled his eyes in exasperation. My fiancée tightened his strong jaw. My dad devilishly winked at the priest before kissing me on the cheek. Then he turned and took his place on the pew beside my mortified mother.

Unfortunately, dad wasn’t kidding. Dad was disappointed in my choice. He told anyone who would listen that my marriage would never last. He dangled underwriting a year trip abroad, post-college.

Yet, the life I desired was waiting for me in Chicago. All Dad could see was the struggle. All I could see was this dreamy guy, who I was head over heels in love with. He asked me to spend my life with him. Forget going overseas. I was certain that I was headed in the direction of everything I could ever want.

In retrospect, I can see my father’s hesitation. He started grumbling about the wedding right after I got engaged. I was still in college. My mother, on the other hand, was ecstatic. All she saw, was a man who was capable of reigning in my frenetic energy.

Mom and My Boyfriend

Hit it off from the moment they met. He said all the right things, which is hard because my mom’s standards are exacting. She has never been one to give me or anyone else around her a pass.

I reticently introduced her to my new beau, David, when she made the trip from our home in Des Moines, Iowa to visit me on campus. I was worried when David said he wouldn’t veer from his strict schedule, not even to meet my mom. So I took her to the library to meet him.

In college, David was hyper-organized and uber-focused. Time was allotted for class, track practice, meals, studying, and sleep. Spending time with me, was the only aspect of his life that veered off schedule. You could find him at Morris Library studying four hours a night, four days a week.

Mom and David have been co-conspirators for decades. On the day of my graduation, I was taken aback when I overheard her compliment him (when she mistakenly thought I was out of earshot) for his role in my academic career.

Real Talk: When we met David was 20 and I was 18. The truth is he’s always acted more like a 60 year old man. Forty years later, time has caught up. He grew into who he’s always been.

About David

I am now as always, incredibly proud of him. His trajectory was set in high school. He garnered accolades after his track team won the 1980 Illinois State Championship. His prowess in the long jump earned him an “All American” designation as well as full-ride college scholarship.

What I found most endearing, was that he wanted to make his mark with his mind. Even more compelling, was his character. Even though he was and still is, fine as hell, he has always been kind, courteous, and generous to a fault.

When we met, he was a serious student. He had his whole future planned. David was a business major, concentrating in Finance and Economics. He harbored a lofty corporate American dream.

Side Note: Our daughter followed in her father’s footsteps. Same alma mater. Same major. Same focus. Same tenancity. She was SIU-C’s undergraduate student body president her junior year. She is a woman with both brains and beauty. She was crowned homecoming queen, her senior year. Since graduating she has worked for the multinational corporation, Accenture.

Me and My Mom

My plan has always been to squeeze maximum joy out of every moment. I’ve always been flexible and willing to go with the flow. Mom’s greatest fear centered on keeping me focused.

David’s mother perfectly encapsulated our relationship. She said, I’m a balloon and her eldest son was an anchor. She said we needed each other. Without him, I’d float away. Without me, he’d have a hard time rising.

Once my mom got to know David, her fears for me as an undergrad were demolished. Understanding that David wanted to make me his mission for life, freed her mind.

She gave us her blessing to get married. More importantly, she presented a blank check to foot the bill for our wedding.

Dad was Another Story

He didn’t share Mom’s enthusiasm… At all! Which was par for the course. Growing up, my parents were always parked in opposite camps.

Suffice it to say Dad didn’t mince words. Whenever the subject shifted to my upcoming nuptials, he expressed his disapproval loudly and often.

For instance, during my college graduation party, my dad’s toast was, “Had I known Toni was going to college to get an MRS, I would have put her tuition money toward the wedding.” You could have heard a pin drop.

What dad was afraid of, but could not voice, was his certainty that I’d replicate his marital mishaps. Though it took him a bit of time, he understood the gravity of the institution of marriage. He knew how hard it was to make it work long-term.

Dad was born in the 1930’s. He was a romantic, who loved going to the dime movies. He’d bought into the idea of marriage in darkened theaters as a young boy. He desperately wanted to believe in the fairy tales projected on the screen.

In his twenties, Dad began chasing his happily ever after. He put a ring on it, every time he fell in love. It took him six tries, to finally realize that marriage is a living breathing contract that takes maturity to manage.

Dad and I Were So Much Alike… We Could Have Been Twins

His past marital experiences and my perceived immaturity combined to cloud his judgment. Due to that fact, he projected all his past failures onto me. To be honest, I’m super flighty now. Back in the day, I was far worse.

Because my father repeatedly flunked the test of marital challenges, he wrongfully assumed I would too. He didn’t give me credit for possessing any semblance of stick-to-it-ness. That’s what it takes to ride the ebb and flow of feelings that test the strength of all marital unions.

In many ways, Dad was right. Building a loving, long-term relationship isn’t for the faint-hearted. Staying together has absolutely and unequivocally been difficult. To say the least. It’s the one thing, I’ll give David 100% credit for. He’s held on, every time I pulled away determined to let go.

Dad Turned The Corner

Sometime around our 15th wedding anniversary. I remember it like it was yesterday. It happened while we were watching the movie, “Meet Joe Black.” I’d returned home for a short visit.

It was just me and him and his random Red Box pick. He adored movies and was a night owl. We were both wide awake at 2 am. The movie was so surprisingly good that it has become one of my favorites.

My father stopped the dvd, after the main character, played by Sir Anthony Hopkins, gave his daughter advice on finding love. I thought he had to get up and go to the bathroom for the thousandth time.

Instead, he turned to me and said, “That’s exactly what I wanted for you. I wanted you to fall in love with Toni first.”

Those unexpected words choked me up. Just like that he sat back in his Lazy-boy, and unpaused the movie. I caught a glimpse of tears running down his cheek.

In that moment I felt a surge of love for my father. He took the role of protector seriously. His heartfelt expression made amends for every cringe-worthy comment and unsavory action.

Hopkins said, “Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who will love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head, and you listen to your heart. Cause the truth is, there’s no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven’t lived a life at all. But you have to try, ’cause if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived.” Credit: Meet Joe Black, Universal Picture (released 1998)

Dad was the One Who Didn’t Love Himself First

That thought hit me like a ton of bricks. Dad was looking for love in other women. The reality was that his parents, though they talked a good game, hadn’t shown him what real love was.

I never got a chance to get to know my paternal grandparents. My dad’s dad, died the same year I was born. By the time I was old enough to form a memory, his mother had descended into the fog of Alzheimer’s. From what I could piece together, they were like oil and water.

On the flip side, Mom and Dad set a good example of what a marriage looked like. It wasn’t perfect. It was messy. But they loved each other. And that love spilled over to their children. Because they loved me. I loved myself and knew how to share that love with someone else.

That’s the quality that opens the door to your heart. That’s the reason why at a very young age, I took a chance on love. I leaned into an impulse. I fell hard. I’ve known rapture. I’ve known crushing heartbreak. I’d do it all over again if given the chance.

In My Opinion

Another scene in the movie did a better job of explaining what “real love” is. It was captured in the answer Jeffery Tambor (Quince) gave to the title character (Joe Black) played by Brad Pitt.

Joe Black: How do you know Allison loves you? Quince: Because she knows the worst thing about me and it’s okay. Joe Black: What is it? Quince: You’re free to love each other completely, totally. Just no fear. So there’s nothing you don’t know about each other, and it’s okay.

If I could go back in time, the only thing I would do differently is not make my father the fall guy in our relationship. I weaponized him. I made Dad my ally whenever I declared relationship war with words.

My poor Dad would have to resort to calling in the reserves. My mom. She in turn did a tremendous job of mediating some really nasty arguments. At one point, when we’d seemed to be past the point of no return, she arranged for us to see a great marriage counselor.

As the Years Mounted

Dad got wise and stopped siding with me. Don’t get it twisted. It didn’t mean he had my husband’s back. It just meant he would listen, from a neutral camp. Because my father was so outspoken, I’m sure there were countless times that he bit his tongue.

Of all the advice that I took from my Dad, when it came to marriage, I’m embarrassed to admit, I wasn’t listening. To this day, I credit my mom for making her and my marriage work. Dad and I were far too impulsive. We tended to choose flight over fight when the going got tough.

Takeaway

What being in a relationship, for a very long time, has taught me is that the good times will always be upended when the storms of life blow in. What ultimately determines the strength of a marriage is what remains in the aftermath.

🔹About Me ➖ Toni Greathouse ➖ Toni The Talker is currently staging her second act. She’s reinventing herself, by rewriting her reality. In the process, she’s pursuing her passion for writing as if it was her profession.