Summary

"The Love We Had, Chapter 46" delves into the protagonist's introspection about her failing marriage, her husband's emotional unavailability, and her own struggle with hope and despair while reflecting on the nature of life and relationships.

Abstract

In Chapter 46 of "The Love We Had," the protagonist grapples with the realization that her marriage may be a dead end, as her husband seems disconnected and indifferent to her needs. Amidst feelings of hopelessness and the pain of unrequited love, she contemplates the truth behind her relationship and the possibility of starting anew with another person. The chapter captures her physical and emotional pain during a period of illness, where she is left to ponder the meaning of her existence and the choices she has made. Despite the darkness, she finds a glimmer of hope in the love for her children and the resilience within herself. The narrative is set against the backdrop of a small industrial town in Norway, emphasizing the universality of human longing and the search for genuine connection.

Opinions

The protagonist feels that her marriage is potentially the biggest mistake of her life, questioning whether she and her husband have failed to utilize the chances they had.
She acknowledges the difficulty of choosing the truth over comforting illusions, suggesting a struggle with self-deception for the sake of maintaining her relationship.
The protagonist experiences a range of emotions from despair to hope, indicating a complex inner life and the capacity for self-reflection.
She perceives a disconnect with her husband, who is emotionally unavailable and seemingly uninterested in their relationship.
The chapter implies a critique of societal norms that encourage people to settle for less than fulfilling relationships, as the protagonist considers the 'ordinary' lives of those around her.
The author uses the setting and the protagonist's reflections to highlight the human condition, suggesting that many people experience similar feelings of loneliness and the search for meaning in their lives.
The protagonist's musings on 'real life' and the purpose of her suffering hint at an existential crisis, common to many in the face of personal turmoil.

NOVEL

Is This Real Life?

The Love We Had, Chapter 46

46

I have thought that I made a mistake. I have entered a path which is a dead end, a mistake which is heavy to correct.

I have known it all the way. It is very difficult. I have known that I have begun to lose hope. After so many years in the same, so many attempts.

Inside me I have given up, because he doesn’t see me, doesn’t see who I am, doesn’t see my needs.

He does not talk to me any longer, he does not approach me. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t come to me. He is not interested. When I see his back when he goes down to the afternoon shift, I know it for sure.

And yet I know it: He, my man, my husband — it may have been the biggest mistaken step in my life. — Or was it not?

Maybe me and him, we have not been good enough to use the chances that were there. Maybe it is a mistake to go into this new affair with the other one before everything is tried before all the truths and lies have been thoroughly investigated.

Far away from here, I hear a voice that says:

“You have the choice between getting to know the truth and getting something fictitious to believe.”

I listen, but nothing more comes. So what is the truth? What does it mean to choose the truth instead of something to believe in?

I lie in bed behind a rolled-down curtain. The neck and shoulders hurt, the fever ravages the body, eye-watering, head full of void.

I lie in the dark with cotton in my head. I think of everything that should be done. The kids who need me, the house which is a mess.

I close my eyes in the dark, know in the slightly tricky way that I exist. I’m down, I’m at the bottom, but I know that I, despite everything there is, I know I have a smile on my lips.

Where I am now, hidden in the dark — it is him I’m thinking of. He whom I will meet again, some day later. And I think of them, my three kids who I love over everything here on earth, which means more than anything else.

I come up slowly to the surface again. My body aches just like a muffle murmur. The fever has let go. I am soon ready for new workdays.

I have gotten three days alone in the darkness behind the curtain. I’ve got to be alone with my reflection and my questions.

I have thought:

«This cannot be everything. It cannot then be so that life, it’s only this narrow, inhospitable existence that I share with him.»

I see humans around me, I look at people in the shops, on the street down town. I see the windows in the houses. And I know that behind all of these windows they live their lives. Quiet lives, happy lives, sometimes an ugly life, an anxious and a troubled, or a lively life. Perhaps above all, lives in quiet longing.

I know well that everyone experience many days that are not the best. Days of loneliness, days of waiting when they have forgotten exactly what they are waiting for.

This is the normal: Days that are weekdays, more than anything else; days when the gray color covers most of it and you can’t bear to think the basic question:

«Why is it so, is this real life?»

I know that there also are cheers days. Days when I am the boss in my life, days when everything is possible.

And then we have, fortunately, quite ordinary, quiet days that give us joy and peace along with those close around you.

Many live safely a bit like I did earlier, before this occurred. They live in a relationship that is fairly average, but that is, after all, something they can live in, they think, or at least survive.

I say to myself that I don’t expect anything more of life than this, a relationship where I, most of the time, live a little sparingly.

I try to tell myself that I live well where I am, if not all the time quite well, so at least pretty good. I don’t live an ugly life. Honestly, that’s how I think about this. So then it is to endure, mostly below the pain limit.

But then days come when I know I am in free fall. I get scared myself, inside there’s a raging protest against the massive gray outside.

I stretch out a hand, forward towards him. He’s my husband, and he will be there for me.

But he’s gone. He’s disconnected. He is in a different place, he has turned off his receiver, and pulled out the connector.

The story that the novel tells takes place in a small industrial town at the end of a fjord in western Norway. The story being told and the characters are fictional.

The photos included in the chapters are taken on location in Odda and in the Odda Smelter (Odda Smelteverk, 1906–2003), the carbide factory that is part of the story.

The Love We Had

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars. Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak. Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -chapters 18–48, told by Eira.

For free access to 43 of 49 chapters, click here.

Previous: Chapter 45 I Have Him in Mind, Day and Night and Night and Day

The entire novel will be made available for readers when published in June 2021 on amazon.com, Kindle Direct Publishing, in digital format.

The Love We Had, a Novel, Amazon

Øivind H. Solheim writes fiction, essays and articles aiming to help others understanding life, other humans and themselves. He has published five novels, two non-fiction books and a poetry book.

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