NOVEL

I Have Him in Mind, Day and Night and Night and Day

The Love We Had, Chapter 45

45

I pick up the phone. I can see that he has sent a new message. I enter the four digits needed to unlock, see an alert about a new mail in the email account inbox.

I click on the message; I see the text with a smiley face at the bottom.

I think I should read at once, if only I may be undisturbed for a while.

He writes that he is thinking of me, he asks if we can meet. He can come tonight, if I agree and want to, he can come.

I enter at 2300, click on a big heart and on a smiley face, two red hearts where the eyes should be. I press send and second later my answer is on his phone.

I sit at the kitchen table with the phone in hand. I think of him and the last meeting here at home with him. I notice that I’m smiling. I put my hand with the phone on the kitchen table. I feel a feverish heat rising inside me. I think I’m crossing a boundary in myself.

I hear my husband who enters downstairs. I have to act quickly. Do what is expected of me. Dinner for him and the kids, and I have to prepare the box and thermos for the night shift.

A flash-back. It’s years ago, now. I stretched out a hand, he created distance between us. I wanted to approach; he turned his back on me. That’s how he was, that’s how he became.

He went out. It was obvious, he didn’t want me to come close. I said his name, he was distant. I wanted to talk, he wanted peace. I said his name one more time. He sat up in front of the TV. It was late, I spoke to his back, told him that I go to bed. He looked at the TV screen, I waited for an answer.

That’s how he was. He said he wanted to watch it to the end. Wanted to finish what he was watching.

And me, in this?

I said: “I’m going to bed now.”

I asked: “Are you coming? Are you coming soon?”

Earlier, as well as now — he sits up in the evening, in the night. He is busy with his own things; I am busy with mine. I may well ask once more if he comes soon, — I may well ask, but — .

I know that I do not have more to give now. I want to get out of this. I want something more than this. For what can I give to someone who turns away from me? What can I give when I feel that I am dying inside?

I am nobody, and yet I am me, I am myself. And I know for sure, there is something in me, a spark that will get me started again.

I no longer accept this. I do no longer accept suffocating.

I am beyond myself. I have him in mind — the other one, day and night and night and day. I write messages that I delete and write again.

He’s here with me. I type and delete, type and delete, and write again.

«Thinking of you.»

«You’re a wonderful man.»

«I feel I live my life a little on hold.»

I live my life through my mobile and computer. There are days that are more intense than others. I look for notifications on the phone, sometimes several times every hour. I log in to the email account and open the inbox in anticipation that he has posted a new message.

I move in circles around myself. I’m excited, restless. He’s with me all the time. What I experience is the opposite of peace of mind. I can no longer rest peacefully in myself.

I see the light coming on, picking up the phone I read a new message.

He is standing outside my door, he writes. I go down and open the door. He smiles and points inside. I look towards the neighbouring house. I can’t see anyone behind the curtain.

I pull the door and close it behind him. I smile because he smiles at me.

He puts his arms around me, he hugs me.

It is silent in the house. I feel the heart pounding in the chest. I hold my breath and listen up towards the bedroom where the kids sleep. I hold my breath and I think:

«This is absolutely wild!»

«It's far past the limit!»

I know I can take care of this. I take his hand and he comes with me into the bedroom. I’m feverish, I feel my breath. I see myself from outside. I’m inside myself, and I’m on the outside.

I think:

«This is it. This is completely outside everything I could possibly have dreamed of.»

«Is this you, Eira, standing here, in the bedroom with this kind man?»

I let his hands walk across my body, I let his fingers touch me gently over the neck, over the face.

What is happiness, really? What is it like to feel happy? A kind of lightness, weightlessness?

It is to feel that I am floating, I am flying. It is to feel lifted. Nothing can ruin the experience.

I feel light, I’m happy inside. He turns away from me and walks out. I close the door to the night’s darkness and I think:

«I’ve done the right thing!»

I feel pleasantly warm in the body, I’m full of weird feelings for the one I have had. Secretly, one more time.

I go to bed. The bed welcomes me warmly. I recognize his smell in the bed.

I close the eyes, thinking what now. What about the road ahead, what comes next?

I close my eyes. Sleep comes quietly, wraps me into oblivion.

In the middle of the night abruptly I wake up. I listen.

« — Was that someone there?»

The story that the novel tells takes place in a small industrial town at the end of a fjord in western Norway. The story being told and the characters are fictional.

The photos included in the chapters are taken on location in Odda and in the Odda Smelter (Odda Smelteverk, 1906–2003), the carbide factory that is part of the story.

The Love We Had

Part 1 The Longest Night -chapters 1–3, told by Lars. Part 2 The Light Inside -chapters 4–17, told by Aslak. Part 3 Save Our Secret Love -chapters 18–48, told by Eira.

For free access to 43 of 49 chapters, click here.

Previous: Chapter 43

Next: Chapter 46

The entire novel will be made available for readers when published in June 2021 on amazon.com, Kindle Direct Publishing, in digital format.

The Love We Had, a Novel, Amazon

Øivind H. Solheim writes fiction, essays and articles aiming to help others understanding life, other humans and themselves. He has published five novels, two non-fiction books and a poetry book.

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