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Abstract

ts to own the earth and everything in it.</p><p id="6818">You could have bought a Bolt, lady.</p><h1 id="9e91">4/ You think the TV show Ozark is realistic</h1><p id="a609">I won’t lie, this show is entertaining as hell, but it’s not realistic like <i>Breaking Bad</i> was.</p><p id="955a">I guarantee living in the Ozarks is nothing like Marty and Wendy Byrd portray it. I say this as someone who lives within shouting distance of Branson.</p><p id="9a7c">Sure, we all dream of dealing drugs so we can finally break free of the corporate hamster wheel, but only a truly privileged woman would find satisfaction in watching hillbillies (PC term: rural individuals) get mowed down like wheat at harvest time. <i>Your ancestors were hillbillies, girl.</i></p><p id="c2a3">The only redeeming quality of the show is how Ruth survives everything that gets thrown at her. Ruth is the anti-Karen. Just as matter can be both a particle and a wave, she is also the anti-Susan.</p><h1 id="f7ae">5/ You complain about the cleanliness of public restrooms</h1><p id="8e82">Most of us who aren’t drunk or smell-blind will notice that restrooms at state parks are stinky and/or full of bugs, but a Karen will refuse to use one. If she has no choice, she will loudly bitch about how gross it is.</p><p id="6af7">It’s a cliche that all RV owning females are Karens. In fact, campers are pretty good at adjusting to changing circumstances, so even though 99% of people who camp are white as Caspar the Friendly ghost, they aren’t usually Karens. Just be on the lookout, next time you are chillin’ beside a cozy campfire. Is there a woman complaining about the bathroom?</p><p id="0f45">Would you hear Ruth complaining, or would she walk right up to the campground hosts and chew them out?</p><h1 id="7c6a">6/ You brandish a gun when anyone strays into your yard</h1><p id="7438">Karens love their guns like a manatee loves peace and quiet, and are unashamed to use them if some unwashed person — anyone non-white, or wearing ratty clothes, or ringing their doorbell without texting first — comes calling.</p><p id="0194">If you get the urge to pick up your weapon, consider calling the police instead. They are much better trained than you are and if you are at all Karen-like, you will not get shot by them.</p><p id="802a">What about Ruth? Sure, she picks up a rifle but that’s because she is making a living as a drug dealer in the Ozarks.</p><p id="e854">What about Susan? I think you know she’d invite the stranger in and serve him a meal, only to end up murdered.</p><h1 id="ef6f">7/ You are complaining about gas prices lately</h1><p id="4032">Here in the USA, our gas has been insanely cheap for decades, like our food. As a result, we drive to hell and back in huge vehicles eating super-sized fries.</p><p id="6e04">This makes us fat, lazy, and frankly — Karen-prone.</p><p id="401e">This can’t go on forever. The age of fossil fuels is coming to an abrupt and overdue end.</p><p id="fd6b">The age of french fries is infinite, however.</p><p id="aa34">Buying a Tesla might solve your gas problem, but it will slather on more Karen like a sunbather slathers on coconut oil.</p><p id="0f1a">It’s okay to feel annoyed by gas prices, but why

Options

complain? You are still lucky enough to own a private vehicle.</p><h1 id="c9bb">It’s Okay — You Didn’t Know</h1><p id="2a9e">Do you feel like you can’t win? I get it. Just do as many anti-Karen activities as you can. Then start thinking for yourself. If these steps don’t work, watch or re-watch <i>Ted Lasso</i>.</p><p id="9924">When your burr grinder breaks, go ahead and get pre-ground coffee. Support your local coffee shop or leave a tip for that stressed-out barista at Starbucks!</p><p id="492d">Give away one of your 19 silk scarves.</p><p id="d575">Cover your car’s advice stickers with something humorous like, “God was My Co-Pilot but We Crashed in the Mountains and I Had to Eat Him.”</p><p id="4bf1">Offer people who don’t look like you free rides in your Tesla, without bringing your handgun along.</p><p id="4bed">Be more like Ruth. You can do it. I have faith in you.</p><p id="1a8d">Buh-Bye,</p><p id="8da0">Unkaren</p><p id="9096"><i>Since joining </i>Medium<i> in March 2019, I’ve learned so much about humor writing and penning readable stories — leading to nearly 7K followers and more laughter. Other <a href="/illumination/how-i-type-really-fast-350-words-per-minute-a7a1bccf00c7">funny writers</a> also helped me grow. If you are not a member, sign up by <a href="https://kmofradm.medium.com/membership">clicking the link below.</a> For just $5 a month you’ll find a lot of laughs. To get my stories in your inbox, <a href="https://jeancampbell-25104.medium.com/subscribe">click here</a>.</i></p><div id="a3e6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/an-open-letter-to-my-deadbeat-tenant-26d389457ac9"> <div> <div> <h2>An Open Letter to My Deadbeat Tenant</h2> <div><h3>I want back rent but I’d rather have answers</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*S1uhaqtPGzQQOsyv)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="3508" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/novelty-the-trickster-cb160c6a28c7"> <div> <div> <h2>Novelty the Trickster</h2> <div><h3>Sonnet</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*S7sVMD4uGY5x07Ues0WYkw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="2a84" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/an-open-letter-to-drivers-32d741f99aa7"> <div> <div> <h2>An Open Letter to Drivers</h2> <div><h3>Stop kvetching about gas prices, it’s pathetic</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*yPQD4BFFTEtESFIr)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

OPEN LETTERS

Karen, Susan & Ruth Walk Into a Bar

This Susan concept is suspiciously optimistic

Dear Gals,

If I’m honest, I spent most of the 1990s as a Karen. A Susan is the opposite — sweet and generous — according to the know-it-all internet, but I have my doubts.

I’m not proud about my Karen past but before the zeitgeist shone a spotlight on my snowflake ways, I was blind, deaf, and retarded. Er, I meant to say “dumb.” No wait, I meant “mute.”

Today, I can confidently say my blind spots are gone, replaced with dimly lit shadows and half-formed popular opinions. This is my letter to you, because I’m a lot more Woke now and besides, this whole Susan thing is a bit much, isn’t it?

They expect us to pivot from entitled, bitchy, and intolerant to kind, generous, and open-minded without structured rehab? That’s a lot to ask.

Let’s start with a few common Karen warning signs. Do you recognize yourself or someone you know?

1/ You own a fancy burr coffee grinder

Burr grinder ownership is a major red flag for Karenesque behavior. Please do not respond with, “But I just really love coffee.” We all love coffee. Ninety-eight percent of the human race gulps down java every day. Only 12% of the human race are Karens, however.

If you are like my brother-in-law (not a Karen but mostly because of his gender and Southern good manners) you will travel with your burr grinder.

Just use the Starbucks drive-thru, like the rest of privileged humanity.

We’ll get into Ozark later on but for now ask yourself, would Ruth own a fancy burr grinder? I think not. Would she gun down someone who does? Possibly.

2/ Your car has advice or religious stickers

Christ on a crutch, I despise these displays of self-righteous drivel.

Be Kind

CoExist

Live Laugh Love

God is my Co-Pilot

The world is full of hypocrisy. Don’t add to it, especially when you and even most Susans are inclined to drive badly. It’s human nature to turn into a gorilla when you get behind the wheel, so snap out of it and grow up.

You will feel like a fool when you cut someone off in traffic, then realize the ass-end of your car screams, “Be Kind.”

The Be Kind movement is one reason I’m dubious about Susans.

3/ You drive a Tesla

I can hear disgruntled women everywhere protesting:

“But it’s good for the environment!”

Sure it is, if you have the cash to get one and if you support a dubious CEO who wants to own the earth and everything in it.

You could have bought a Bolt, lady.

4/ You think the TV show Ozark is realistic

I won’t lie, this show is entertaining as hell, but it’s not realistic like Breaking Bad was.

I guarantee living in the Ozarks is nothing like Marty and Wendy Byrd portray it. I say this as someone who lives within shouting distance of Branson.

Sure, we all dream of dealing drugs so we can finally break free of the corporate hamster wheel, but only a truly privileged woman would find satisfaction in watching hillbillies (PC term: rural individuals) get mowed down like wheat at harvest time. Your ancestors were hillbillies, girl.

The only redeeming quality of the show is how Ruth survives everything that gets thrown at her. Ruth is the anti-Karen. Just as matter can be both a particle and a wave, she is also the anti-Susan.

5/ You complain about the cleanliness of public restrooms

Most of us who aren’t drunk or smell-blind will notice that restrooms at state parks are stinky and/or full of bugs, but a Karen will refuse to use one. If she has no choice, she will loudly bitch about how gross it is.

It’s a cliche that all RV owning females are Karens. In fact, campers are pretty good at adjusting to changing circumstances, so even though 99% of people who camp are white as Caspar the Friendly ghost, they aren’t usually Karens. Just be on the lookout, next time you are chillin’ beside a cozy campfire. Is there a woman complaining about the bathroom?

Would you hear Ruth complaining, or would she walk right up to the campground hosts and chew them out?

6/ You brandish a gun when anyone strays into your yard

Karens love their guns like a manatee loves peace and quiet, and are unashamed to use them if some unwashed person — anyone non-white, or wearing ratty clothes, or ringing their doorbell without texting first — comes calling.

If you get the urge to pick up your weapon, consider calling the police instead. They are much better trained than you are and if you are at all Karen-like, you will not get shot by them.

What about Ruth? Sure, she picks up a rifle but that’s because she is making a living as a drug dealer in the Ozarks.

What about Susan? I think you know she’d invite the stranger in and serve him a meal, only to end up murdered.

7/ You are complaining about gas prices lately

Here in the USA, our gas has been insanely cheap for decades, like our food. As a result, we drive to hell and back in huge vehicles eating super-sized fries.

This makes us fat, lazy, and frankly — Karen-prone.

This can’t go on forever. The age of fossil fuels is coming to an abrupt and overdue end.

The age of french fries is infinite, however.

Buying a Tesla might solve your gas problem, but it will slather on more Karen like a sunbather slathers on coconut oil.

It’s okay to feel annoyed by gas prices, but why complain? You are still lucky enough to own a private vehicle.

It’s Okay — You Didn’t Know

Do you feel like you can’t win? I get it. Just do as many anti-Karen activities as you can. Then start thinking for yourself. If these steps don’t work, watch or re-watch Ted Lasso.

When your burr grinder breaks, go ahead and get pre-ground coffee. Support your local coffee shop or leave a tip for that stressed-out barista at Starbucks!

Give away one of your 19 silk scarves.

Cover your car’s advice stickers with something humorous like, “God was My Co-Pilot but We Crashed in the Mountains and I Had to Eat Him.”

Offer people who don’t look like you free rides in your Tesla, without bringing your handgun along.

Be more like Ruth. You can do it. I have faith in you.

Buh-Bye,

Unkaren

Since joining Medium in March 2019, I’ve learned so much about humor writing and penning readable stories — leading to nearly 7K followers and more laughter. Other funny writers also helped me grow. If you are not a member, sign up by clicking the link below. For just $5 a month you’ll find a lot of laughs. To get my stories in your inbox, click here.