HUMOR

Introducing — the Single Senior Smut Removal Squad!

Coming and Going — they’ve got you covered.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that nobody wants to see their parents’ sex toys. And yet?

Seniors use sex toys.

Not me, of course.

But others.

And? We seniors are all going to die. Not tomorrow, of course. But, with any luck, we’ll predecease our adult children. And when we die? We’ll leave our sex toys behind.

Again, not me. But all those other seniors.

And the last thing you want when you meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates is to see your adult child in line right behind you because they died of shock after finding the secret stash of vibrators, dildos, rings and plugs under your bed when they were cleaning out your apartment.

I Was a Designated Sex Toy Removal Person

I once promised my boyfriend that if he died suddenly, I’d use my key to get into his place and get rid of all of his “playthings” before his adult kids could find them.

But then I discovered that he’d been cheating on me for over a decade. So I threw him out and got on with my life.

When it comes to sex toy removal? Mike is now on his own and good luck to him. Maybe his side chick has taken on this task. Of course, it’ll be a challenge since she’s married to another guy and lives in New Jersey. But that’s her problem, not mine.

I can just imagine her turning up at Mike’s place after his death. She lets herself into his apartment. His adult kids are there.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” she tells them. “I’m your dad’s secret girlfriend. I’m here to remove your father’s dildo collection and porn stash from the hiding place you’re about to discover and flip out about.”

Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when that happens.

An indecent business proposal

This little scene will probably never take place. But it makes me realize that there’s a need for a Sex Toy Removal Service for Single Seniors. You sign on when you’re old enough to qualify for AARP, send them a key, and pay a small monthly fee. They send you an impenetrable lockbox. You store your sex toys and porn in the box.

When you die, they turn up and remove the box.

If your adult kids are broad-minded, you could even tell them about it in advance.

“When I kick the bucket,” you’ll say to them, “Somebody is going to turn up and take that large box on the floor of my bedroom closet. Let them. Trust me, you really don’t want to see what’s in there.”

I’m 68 years old and I make plenty of money as a writing coach, book doctor, and editor-for-hire. I don’t want to start a new business. But I think this is a promising business idea so I’m floating it on Medium.

If you need the money, or you’re entrepreneurial, feel free to take this idea and run with it.

If you succeed, you don’t have to give me anything.

You don’t even have to give me a free subscription. Because I’m the only single senior on the planet who doesn’t use sex toys.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Writing Coach and editor-for-hire Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times, can help you improve and publish your work. Drop her a line at [email protected]. (That’s Ros with an “s,” not a “z.”)

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