Putting the Putin in Putting
Introducing Putin Golf League — The New Breakaway Tour
You vill go in hole or else
Golfers are the classic battlers of modern day sports.
Not in the gladiator sense, more in the struggling to keep their heads above water sense. They play for mere pennies on the US PGA tour, and are only now just making minimum wage on the Saudi-backed LIV tour. Reports are that the prize pool for next year’s LIV tour is a measly $405 million. And that has to be shared amongst dozens of players, like the wilted harvest from a Marxist community garden.
Golfers are so destitute, some of them can barely afford a private jet between tournaments.
It truly is an outrage. Most of these players have come from poor, migrant backgrounds, and grew up in slums with country clubs that didn't even own a helipad!
And have you seen the way golfers dress? It’s like their grandma bought them clothes for Christmas from one of those catalogues for old people. And then their dad told them they have to wear those clothes each day if they want to play Fortnite before bed.
Losers in every sense. No wonder they can't get girlfriends. Have you ever seen a sportsperson so sexually frustrated? Look at me, gripping the shaft of this massive stick and swiping angrily at the ground beneath me. Just get it in the hole. GET IN THE HOLE!
It’s no wonder former president Trump, in another of his altruistic endeavours, sought to build these losers a few more playgrounds.
I’m here to tell you golfers, no longer shall you be impoverished, overworked and exploited for your athletic ability.
Welcome to Putin’s Royal Ignominious Care of Kremlin golf league. Or PRICK golf, for short.
Fresh off his successful reclamation of stolen Russian territory, the Horsed Honcho has resolved to return this land to it’s rightful owners: golfers.
Here’s what we know so far about the new and exciting league.
Venues/courses
The first stop for the PRICK golf tour will be on the historic grounds of Maternity Hospital №3, situated in Mariupol. Newly remodelled by course designer Shelling Innocents, it is littered with a number of signature holes.
On the first, players will tee off from the elevated tee box on what was once known as ‘the intensive care ward for babies.’ A sweeping dogleg around the massive pile of rubble leads to a narrow green, well protected by bunkers to the south, and a squadron of 15 year olds with machine guns to the north.
PRICK golf tour will also visit other esteemed courses throughout the world, such as Chernobyl №5, the stunningly beautiful Blood Diamond Country Club in Sierra Leone, and the wide open links of Nevada Nuclear testing site.
Once joint CEO and WABK (What A Big Knobhead) Elon Musk establishes his CORT (Colony Of Rich Turds) on Mars, the end of season finale will be held on the sandy plains of Hellas Planitia.
Qualification requirements
Spokeswoman and man for the league, Carrie-Ann, and Outa Trocities, state applicants to PRICK golf will have to meet a strict set of athletic and ethical requirements.
- Be able to carry two 15kg suitcases (prizemoney will be distributed in rare metals and limited edition weaponry)
- Have cheek muscles that can sustain a smile for at least 120 seconds while a range of dictators and warlords pose for victory photos (Those who initially fail this requirement must undertake preseason training with Greg Norman)
- Own a moral compass with the flexibility of a gymnast
- Be willing to forgo membership to the PGA tour, LIV tour, United Nations and International Criminal Court.
Funding sources and CEOs
PRICK golf league is a enterprise partnership of GLWLGHP (Global Leaders Who Love Golf and Hate the Poor). Founding members Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un have been joined by Head of the Illuminati Elon Musk, and Global Mafia Boss Don Giorgia Meloni.
All profits from PRICK golf will be funnelled back into their many philanthropic works.
Rule changes
Shots hitting ̶c̶i̶v̶i̶l̶i̶a̶n̶s̶ spectators will be rewarded by shaving a stroke off the players score, and one night’s lodging with the female player of their choice.
The cut, classically known as where the bottom half of the field is sent home before the final 2 rounds, will be instituted slightly differently in PRICK golf. Those players sitting in the bottom five at the halfway point will have two options:
One, be expelled from PRICK golf and sent to a gulag labour camp for ten years to pay off their debt to the world of golf.
Two, have one appendage (randomly chosen by PRICK golf’s accompanying Russian Roulette casino app) sliced off by the Travelling PRICK Surgeon, Christopher Duntsch.
Creation of the Para-PRICK tour
In a world first, the new PRICK tour will play alongside athletes with disabilities. These athletes will consist of those who were cut from the previous tournament and remain medically stable.
Female representation
Despite outlandish claims that PRICK golf does not respect the rights of women, hoes will be encouraged to participate in the sister tour, lingerie golf league.
Star players signed so far
As of current, many negotiations are underway. Here are what some of golf’s leading professionals have to say about PRICK golf:
Greg Norman: Look, we’ve all made mistakes and you just want to learn from those mistakes and how you can correct them going forward. I’m keen.
Christopher Duntsch: I can’t wait show my skills on the world stage again.
Tiger Woods: What’s this about lingerie?
The only confirmed signing so far is this guy:
As you can see, PRICK golf will make a refreshing change from the corruption and greed of the current golf tours, and help put money back into the pockets of those who deserve it the most.
Fore real.
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