Updated Golf Terminology in Preparation for Mass Aves Extinction

Summary

The website content humorously reimagines golf terminology in a dystopian future where climate change and technology have drastically altered the game and the world.

Abstract

In an article titled "Updated Golf Terminology in Preparation for Mass Aves Extinction," the author presents a satirical adaptation of traditional golf language to reflect a future shaped by environmental degradation and technological advancements. Birdies are replaced by "Tesla 17.0" to represent the new era of flying cars, while eagles become "Drones" used for hunting. The term "Bogey" is redefined as a password creator, "Par" is now synonymous with the average human lifespan, and "Fore" is a warning for data usage. Caddies are imagined as donkeys named "Eeyore," and a "Hole-in-one" is now a "Dig-drop," referencing the trend of urban mining. Lastly, a "Mulligan" is a chance to start over by joining a space mission, hinting at humanity's escape from a ravaged Earth.

Opinions

The author views the future with a blend of humor and cynicism, particularly regarding the impact of climate change and technology on wildlife and traditional sports.
There is a clear critique of society's overreliance on technology, as evidenced by the reimagining of golf terms to reflect data obsession and screen time enforcement.
The satirical take on renewable energy and environmental efforts suggests a skepticism about the effectiveness of current initiatives to save the planet.
The piece reflects on the potential for human lifespan to become a trivial matter in the future, possibly due to desensitization to death or the predictability of life expectancy.
The author seems to lament the loss of nature and traditional pastimes, using the transformation of golf to illustrate a world where human activities have led to the extinction of birds and the repurposing of animals like donkeys.
The mention of the Kardashians and TikTok influencing society points to a perceived superficiality in cultural trends and their impact on behavior and environmental practices.

Where did all the birdies go?

Once an avid golfer. Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash

With the rate of species extinction set to escalate over the next few decades as climate change and pheasant hunting reach new heights, I have adapted common golf terminology to be appropriate for the (future) times.

Birdie>Tesla 17.0. With all birds having gone the way of the landline, the only flying creatures left are the cars that tried to save the planet but ended up settling for making a pacific trash pile of moolah. No noise allowed during celebrations.

Eagle >Drone. All hunting (ground animals only — obviously) is done via drones, with the benefit of the drone being able carve off the head of the carcass, cauterise it and transport it back to your man cave for easy viewing pleasure. It is still classified as a sport. Celebrations must involve yee-haa-ing and/or pew-pew sounds.

Bogey >Password creator. The bogeymen of the future are password creator matrixes, with password strength requests surpassing pi in terms of length and randomness.

Par >250 meta. The average life expectancy in the future. No-one really knows how long this is, but it doesn’t matter. Being able to google your death date can give you a chance at a successful retirement application. You might even fit in a round of golf before you expire.

Fore! >Data usage alert! A warning to really make people look down. Failure to use enough data each day, or spending more than your allocated 20 minutes off-screen will result in termination. That’s right, former actor, politician and all-round sensitive soul Mr. Schwarzenegger will come and physically hold your eyelids open until you absorb your allocated data punishment. Unfortunately, this does make actual golf on an actual golf course somewhat of an impossibility, but it’s the shit simulated life awakenings are made of.

Caddie >Eeyore. Fighting back against roboticization (and clinging to historical subjugation), golf decides to use donkeys as caddies. Donkeys have the benefits of reduced screen time obligations, and their grazing nature helps keep the course in good nick.

Photo by Peter Drew on Unsplash. Technically you need to hit the ball in the hole, but dropping it in with your hand while no-one is looking also counts.

Hole-in-one>Dig-drop. While many predicted the death of mining with the rise of renewables and the somewhat important goal of saving the planet, in fact the opposite happened. After the Kardashians popularised RSM (random spot mining) on TikTok, every man, woman and robot starting digging in their backyards, front yards, parks and workplaces for increasingly rare minerals and ancient cave mushrooms. With urban landscapes remodelled into okra, and increasing regulations regarding screen time, dig-drop fatalities overtook retinal explosion as the leading cause of death by 2046.

Mulligan >Space cap. If all else fails (but not so much that you no longer own eight basements of bitcoin), sign up for a pod in the next billionaires space adventure and opt for a do-over. Just be careful out there in the cosmos, we think that’s where all the dead birds went.

They all went hole-in-one

Updated Golf Terminology in Preparation for Mass Aves Extinction

Where did all the birdies go?