avatarJennifer Nelson

Summary

The author of the article discusses their journey of self-discovery, acknowledging their bisexuality and pansexuality later in life, influenced by internalized fatphobia and societal heteronormativity.

Abstract

The author shares a personal narrative about their struggle with internalized fatphobia and how it intersected with their understanding of their own sexuality. Initially identifying as straight, the author's fixation on women's midriffs eventually led to the realization that they were not as straight as they had believed. Despite growing up in an LGBTQ+ friendly environment, the heteronormative societal standards made it difficult for the author to question their sexuality until much later in life. The transition to acknowledging their attraction to women was gradual, facilitated by exposure to diverse body types in Bollywood films and the realization that their attraction extended beyond physical characteristics. The author now identifies as pansexual, emphasizing the importance of personality over body type in their attractions.

Opinions

  • The author believes that society's heteronormative standards and the idealization of certain body types contributed to their delayed recognition of their bisexuality.
  • They express that the representation of women's bodies in Bollywood movies played a significant role in their exploration of sexuality.
  • The author critiques the portrayal of lesbian relationships in pornography, finding it to be predominantly catered to a male audience, and has found more satisfaction in pornography that is geared towards women.
  • They reflect on the potential benefits of normalizing fat bodies and increasing bisexual representation in the media for future generations in understanding their sexuality.
  • The author values personality over physical attributes when considering potential partners and identifies as pansexual, showing openness to all gender identities.
  • They acknowledge the impact of antidepressants on their sex drive and the use of visual aids to complement their imagination during sexual experiences.
  • The author suggests that the younger generation may have an easier time identifying as LGBTQ+ due to changing societal norms

Internalized Fatphobia Hid My Bisexuality

“I wish I had her body” hid much more than I expected

Photo by LinkedIn Sales Navigator on Unsplash

I’ve been obsessed with women’s midriffs for as long as I can remember. It’s only been within the last few years that I started to realize I’m interested in what’s above and below, too. I’m 37, and I’m just now acknowledging that I’m not as straight as I thought I was.

When I was a kid, I was a normal size. Then, when I hit puberty, a bunch of factors came together at once, and I went from a girl’s size 14 to a woman’s size 14 in the space of a year. I think I started high school at 145 pounds and graduated just shy of 200.

Since I got my belly the same time I got my breasts, I’ve never known what it’s like to be a skinny woman. And because society tells us that women are supposed to have an hourglass figure, I’ve always been fascinated by women’s bodies that society deems “beautiful.”

Society is so heteronormative that it never occurred to me to question my sexuality.

Well, at least that’s what I told myself. “I wish I looked like her. She’s so beautiful, and I’m just fat and frumpy.”

I have diaries from when I was 10 years old and absolutely obsessed with boys. Despite growing up in an LGBTQ+ friendly home (I have gay uncles on one side of my family who have been together since I was in elementary school and a lesbian aunt on the other), I was perfectly happy to hold onto my attraction to males and call myself straight.

Society is so heteronormative that it never occurred to me to question my sexuality.

It’s ironic, really. One of my best friends freshman year of high school came out to me as bisexual and encouraged me to join her in our school’s gay-straight alliance club.

Yep. When I was 15, I joined an LGBTQ+ group as a straight ally. 22 years later, I’m realizing that I belong in the community more than I realized.

I think my obsession with Bollywood movies is what finally got me to start questioning my sexuality, very tentatively at first.

Sure, fashion changes with the time, but I can hardly think of any Hollywood movies where a female’s midriff was exposed for any significant amount of time (unless they were naked, like the cover of “American Beauty”).

Thanks to Bollywood’s bastardization of the sari and India’s different fashion sense than America, I was introduced to many women’s midriffs as I fell in love with Hindi films about a decade ago.

It was easier to believe I was straight and just jealous of skinny women rather than attracted to them.

My favorite midriff belongs to one particular actress, who I won’t name because I decided that’s creepy. Anyway, in my eyes, she has the perfect hourglass figure. And, while I can’t fault her for wanting to focus on her fitness more in recent years, I especially appreciated her midriff when it was just a little bit squishy.

OK, this is sounding stalkerish and I’m getting distracted. My point is that my thoughts started to change gradually.

The transition was slow, over the course of many years. “I wish I looked like her” became “If I wasn’t straight, I would want to explore her body” to “I can’t imagine what sex is like without a penis involved, but I would want to try it with her” to something like “I want to lick her from head to toe.”

And still, it was easier to believe I was straight and just jealous of skinny women rather than attracted to them.

Every once in a while, I like to watch porn. I used to rely mostly on my imagination, but now that I write for a living, I don’t have as many brain cells left in the evening. Plus, antidepressants do nothing good for my sex drive.

I transitioned to watching threesomes first, as sort of an experiment.

Then, I would watch the occasional lesbian porn. You can tell that most lesbian porn is directed by and intended for a male audience, though. I’ve yet to actually be with a woman, but scissoring looks pointless and frustrating. And what’s with all the footage of the women sucking on vibrators and dildos?

Anyway, it finally occurred to me to Google “lesbian porn for women” and I found a site that contains more female-oriented porn. Since quarantine first started, it’s the only kind of porn I’ve watched, and honestly…

My orgasms have never been better.

Any body parts will be fine with me. I just want to find a good person to spend my life with.

I don’t think it means I’m a lesbian. I’m still attracted to a man’s chest and abs. But I always hated giving blowjobs, so I’m quite happy not encountering any of those in porn anymore.

I wonder what would have helped me realize my sexuality sooner. Normalization of fat bodies? More bisexual representation in the media? A society that’s less heteronormative overall? I’m not really sure.

Maybe all of the above will help the younger generation find themselves sooner…

But they may not need the help, as young adults 18–36 are more than twice as likely as other age groups to identify as LGBT.

Ultimately, if I have to pick a label, I would say I’m pansexual. I don’t really care what body parts a person has. For me, personality is far more important than body type.

Between my low self-esteem and my fear of the virus, I’m not looking at dating or sleeping with anybody any time soon. Whenever I do feel ready, I think I might seek out a woman, so I can have that experience. After that, any body parts will be fine with me.

I just want to find a good person to spend my life with, regardless of what gender they identify as.

Fatphobia
Bisexuality
LGBTQ
Coming Out
Pansexuality
Recommended from ReadMedium