I Don’t Think I’m as Straight as I Thought I Was…

But, thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, it will likely be months before I can put my theory to the test.

I’m a late bloomer.

I was one of the last girls I knew to start developing breasts, and I didn’t start menstruating until I was 14 (the average American girl starts between 12 and 13). And I didn’t have my first “real” kiss until college.

So I guess it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise that I’m re-exploring my sexuality at the age of 37.

I’ve Always Known I Like Boys

I have a diary starting from when I was 10 proclaiming my love for various boys over my pre-pubescent years. Every crush that I can recall having was on a male (although, ironically, a huge percentage of guys I’ve ever had a crush on turned out to be gay — probably more than half if I had to guess, looking back).

Looking back, I can’t help but wonder whether it’s a coincidence that I only had crushes on boys, or whether I subconsciously wasn’t ready to explore the idea that I might be anything other than straight?

I’ve Been an LGBTQ+ Ally My Entire Life

My freshman year of high school, my best friend at the time came out to me as bisexual and invited me to join our school’s gay/straight alliance. It was probably around that time (if not a little sooner) that my parents confirmed that my uncles weren’t just roommates and that I also had a lesbian aunt.

So it’s not like I was brought up believing that it was wrong to be anything but straight. It was always totally normal to me that some people are attracted to people of the same sex (or either sex).

There’s no good reason I can think of to have been afraid to explore an attraction to females, so I guess my leading theory is that my attraction has changed as I’ve grown — or at least my ideas of sexual attraction.

My Dating and Sex Life — or Lack Thereof

As I mentioned earlier, I didn’t have my first “real” kiss until my freshman year of college. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was nearly 23 — and I practically had to beg the guy I was kinda seeing to take it. He didn’t want a real relationship, but I convinced myself I didn’t care — I just didn’t want to be a 23-year-old virgin.

We did the “friends with benefits” thing for a while, until I realized my heart wanted more. He, of course, didn’t.

Shortly after that, I met the man who I have had my only long-term relationship with. We were on again, off again for a few years due to my (at the time) undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Eventually, about a decade ago now, he decided that he couldn’t risk me breaking his heart again, and I can’t blame him in the least.

Since then, I have had sex only three more times, with two different guys. None of those experiences were especially good, and one was quite traumatic. I still have deep emotional scars from that experience.

Katrina Kaif

Toward the end of my long-term relationship, I fell in love with Bollywood movies. Bollywood is the Hindi film industry based out of Mumbai (formerly Bombay), India.

The first time I remember seeing a woman and thinking something other than, “I wish I looked like her,” was Katrina Kaif in the song “Sheila Ki Jawani” from the movie “Tees Maar Khan.”

My thoughts were something along the lines of, “I’m not really sure what I would do with a woman (compared to a man), but I’d sure like to try it with her!”

I have no idea why it’s her curves in particular that do something for me. Why 20-some-odd years of looking at women never did anything for me, but suddenly this one flipped a switch.

Gradually, images of her joined in my fantasies, but only in the beginning — in my daydreams, I still needed a man to “finish me off.”

Maybe I’m Demisexual? Not Exactly

When I first came across the word “demisexual” within the last couple of years and learned what it meant, I had sort of an epiphany.

What does “demisexual” mean? According to Healthline, “Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where people only experience sexual attraction to folks that they have close emotional connections with.”

I guess I wouldn’t say I “only” experience sexual attraction to people I have a close emotional connection with — however, that is a big part of my experience.

When I daydream at night, I need these long, elaborate fantasies where I need to get to know somebody (even my latest celebrity crush) before we become intimate.

The rough draft of a romance novel I wrote for NaNoWriMo a few years ago was basically a long fantasy I had created around my celebrity crush at the time. The fantasy had become so long that it was keeping me up at night because it took so long to “get to the good part.”

I almost had a one-night stand a couple of times, but I just couldn’t follow through because that emotional connection wasn’t there.

I need to feel an emotional connection with somebody before I’m comfortable becoming intimate with them. Once I do, their packaging (appearance) doesn’t matter to me. Anybody with a good personality becomes beautiful to me.

Watching Lesbian Porn

I rarely watch porn, because my imagination is often better. However, sometimes my imagination doesn’t want to help me out, so I turn to a site where I can watch one or two short videos for free to get me going.

I probably started watching 3-ways first before graduating to lesbian porn. Eventually, though, I had to see for myself whether watching just two women with no men involved could turn me on.

It turns out the answer is yes.

Gradually, over the last few years, I’ve started watching lesbian porn as often as, if not more so than, straight porn.

Penises used to be a requirement in my daydreams, but in reality, I find them to be pretty gross.

I’m Attracted to Personalities

My working theory right now is that I am actually attracted to personalities more than bodies. Sure, I like looking at traditionally sexy men and women. But I don’t think I would be very comfortable with somebody like that in real life.

I think I could make an emotional connection with anybody of any gender and have a satisfying sex life with that person, regardless of how they look on the outside. I’ve only recently come to this conclusion, though.

Perhaps, even though I get turned on watching women have sex with each other, I might hate it when it’s my turn to participate. Frankly, I can’t imagine a vagina is any more horrifying than a penis, but I just don’t have the experience to know.

COVID-19 Halted the Idea of Dating

I had actually Googled “best lesbian dating app” right before social distancing went into effect. I didn’t have the nerve to download any of the apps at the time, though.

I’m sure some people are still dating, though I won’t be one of them. I don’t want to waste my time spending months getting to know somebody online, only for them to say “Nope” when they finally see me in person. That’s happened more times than I can count.

Besides, I still have a lot of mental hangups about dating ANYBODY, regardless of gender. You know how they say you can’t love somebody else until you love yourself? Yeah, I need to work on that.

When social distancing measures start to ease, and the threat of getting sick has lessened, I do want to start dating women to test my theory that I’m pansexual (attracted to people of any gender).

In the meantime, I have a lot of work to do to convince myself that I’m worthy of anybody’s time.