Instead of Blaming Men for Relationship Problems, I Took A Long, Hard Look at Myself
Passing the buck is always easier than self-reflection
“Self-reflection is a humbling process. It’s essential to find out why you think, say, and do certain things…then better yourself” — Sonya Teclai
After getting hurt by another man I thought cared for me, I was left doubting myself and my trust in men was shaken. How had I let myself get into a situationship again? How had I missed the glaring red flags?
Were there just that many untrustworthy men out there ready to take advantage of women who wanted a relationship by leading them on indefinitely with no real serious intentions?
Maybe.
But maybe there was another answer.
After I got through the hurt and shock of being lied to and used emotionally, I decided to do an internal investigation to see how much of the problem was rooted in me. It wasn’t easy to go head to head with my insecurities, but I didn’t want to get stuck on a merry-go-round of bad relationship patterns.
I found 4 areas that were causing me problems with men.
- Lack of boundaries
- Emotional wounds
- Fear
- Low self-respect
Lack of boundaries
I always thought I had high standards when it came to men and relationships. But when men started showing up, I slacked on my watch. I brushed off the warnings that my intuition raised. I let things that they said or did that really bothered me slide.
I tried to convince myself that I was allowing for differences of personality or opinion, but it wasn’t that. It was a polarizing difference of personal beliefs on lots of things. If I’d kept my boundaries high, it would have flushed out men who lied or tried to rush things for selfish reasons and would have exposed their true natures much sooner.
Don’t lower your guard for some smooth talk or love bombing, your heart is too precious.
Emotional wounds
I had to look at the quality of the relationships with the men in my life growing up, and how much they were still affecting me. I realized that I still had some healing to do in that area, and now I had more.
Being lied to by a man caused me to question my ability to believe I could fully trust another man. But not all men are liars, and paying attention to red flags goes a long way to clear the weeds.
It’s painful to face emotional wounds, but taking responsibility for yourself and your emotional healing is powerful, and working through issues will help you become more confident, and your relationships will be stronger for it.
Fear
It’s amazing how easily fear can take control of our lives. Think about how many of these fears you may have when it comes to relationships:
- Fear of a relationship failing, ie, breakup/divorce
- Fear of rejection
- Fear of your spouse dying
- Fear of intimacy/vulnerability
- Fear of losing your freedom
- Fear of sharing finances
- Fear of getting into an abusive relationship
One man I dated had been through a very abusive childhood. The idea of arguments terrified him, and I can see how it could stir up feelings of tension and bad memories. But every couple is going to have their moments, and if you can’t trust someone enough for you both to be able to express frustration and work through disagreements, you still have some healing to do.
I want to be able to have healthy confrontations with a man. We’re both human. We should be able to be mad at each other without worrying that the other is going to leave the relationship because we had an argument.
Low self-respect
When I ignored my intuition and continued in situations that weren’t what I wanted, and when I continued to allow men into my life with no sign of the relationship progressing, I was disrespecting myself. It took me a while to realize it though.
I was protecting my body, but not my emotions, my mind, or my time, which are all valuable.
I am created by God, the daughter of a king. Not just any man should have access to me. Just as a good father wants the best for his daughter, so does my heavenly father. He wants a kingly man who sees a woman as his queen, the most valuable thing in his life.
When I realized that, my perspective realigned. I still have things to work on, but I know that my worth is more than the rarest rubies.
And so is yours.
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