Inside the Mind of an Emotional Masochist

The good, the bad, and the ugly

I’ve been in therapy for 10-years, and it’s the first time that any of my therapists allow a label slip out of their mouths. And it’s this one. I’m officially an Emotional Masochist.

The term was new to me. I love self-analyzing, but no one has ever given me such a hot lead like this before! I got all excited, like an investigative journalist who’s just been tipped off by a whistleblower.

Why would someone be excited about being labeled an emotional masochist? — you may ask. Well, it makes a lot of sense:

Emotional Masochists make great therapy patients because they love to pick at their wounds…

Like so many things that therapists say, I know this one is only going to make full sense a few years from now, but I’ve already started to do my mental homework, and this is the raw cut.

Come with me, and you may find some traces of yourself in this as it seems to be much more common than we think.

What Is an Emotional Masochist?

The official definition goes like this, according to an article in Psychology Today:

It is a pervasive pattern of self-defeating behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.

The person may often avoid or undermine pleasurable experiences, be drawn to situations or relationships in which they will suffer, and prevent others from helping them.

Ok, feels a bit heavy. It makes me think of a sad person who leads a life of constant, self-inflicted, emotional pain, and is unable to stop it, like an addict.

But it’s not necessarily like that. I’m far from being a miserable person. I’ve always been quite a Hedonist, and I promise this will be a drama-free article, so stick with me.

Let’s have a closer look at some emotional masochism traits.

We Choose People and Situations That Lead to Disappointment

I’m attracted to relationships that are unlikely to work. It could be with someone who has a challenging personality, such as bipolar, or narcissists or simply emotionally unavailable partners.

“You love trouble, don’t you?” It’s what I most commonly hear my friends say about my relationships. To which I always reply:

“My life is spent in one long effort to escape from the commonplaces of existence. These little problems help me to do so.”

We Tend to Put Every Achievement Down to Luck

True! Every time I achieve something in my life I feel extremely grateful for my luck and minimize my own contribution to personal successes.

If you want an example, you can check out this article I wrote just recently about how helping a stray cat got me a dream marketing job at Coca-Cola.

I wrote it before I found out about my emotional masochist label. I showed it to some friends from Coca-Cola who were familiar with the situation and they all commented, politely, on how I played down my part in the story.

We Get off on Rescuing People, Animals, or the Planet

And when we do adopt an animal from the shelter, you can be sure it will be the one with the most behavioral challenges!

We don’t mind a bit of self-sacrifice. I was busy trying to save the Amazon for many years earlier in life. And my house was once a rehabilitation center for wild birds…

We Respond With Depression and Guilt Following Positive Personal Events

I’ve been known to quit jobs immediately after receiving a promotion. Ok. Now we start to get into negative territory, but I still believe the outcome was for the best.

There was one instance when I quit just after receiving a Journalism award. I didn’t just leave the company — I quit Journalism altogether and went on to do something completely unrelated to my career.

I was in my early 20s, and it did feel strange at the time. I worked hard for that company. But as soon as I started to get the recognition, I left.

I was suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder due to the London weather. Well, now we know that probably wasn’t that.

Some of Us Learn Not to Fear Feelings

Every disorder, every bit of madness, comes with its superpowers.

I’m not saying this is true for all emotional masochists, but I go through life without fear of heartbreaks and failures. I’m happy to take risks, and if it ends badly, I indulge myself in the delightful emotional pain which makes for good poetry material.

We might end up having more misfortunes than the average person, but we also have more stories to tell.

Also, nobody is safe from trouble. Shit happens, and playing it safe doesn’t prevent suffering. Quite the opposite — I believe that people who try to avoid pain at all costs are the ones that end up having the most regrets later in life.

Emotional masochists, especially the ones who are aware of their problem, are better prepared to deal with life’s troubles.

We Resist Receiving Help That Is Offered to Us

This used to be true, but I’ve been making a conscious effort to change. You see, I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My parents got divorced when I was 07, and since then, the roles were inverted. I became my mother’s mother, at least emotionally.

When you grow up being the helper, it feels strange when people offer to help you.

We tend to reject what is unfamiliar. It’s instinctive.

Some of Us Learn Not to Take Ourselves Too Seriously

One good thing that came out of this is that I’ve learned to take full responsibility for my failures. I don’t blame them on other people, on the stars, or on the bad-eye. Whenever something goes wrong, I’m always my own main suspect.

And, I’m pretty sure that some of the best comedians out there are self-undoing masochists who are not scared of humiliation.

Self-undoing masochist: Is “wrecked by success”; experiences “victory through defeat”; gratified by personal misfortunes, failures, humiliations, and ordeals.

Here is a personal example:

Again, not all emotional masochists fall under this category, but I certainly do. In the past, I’d ruminate over failures. Nowadays I’ve learned to laugh at them.

We Are More Likely to Fall Victim to Emotional Abuse

This is true to a certain extent. Because we are so prone to self-sacrifice and so willing to understand and empathize with the pain of others, we do end up staying longer in an uncomfortable situation than we should.

I admire people who say, “I have no time for this” and walk away from toxic people as soon as they see the first red flags. I certainly have a lot more time than the average person but not enough to ruin my life.

I have insisted on a few abusive friendships longer than I should, but for a matter of months, not years. And, luckily, the only abusive boyfriend I’ve had dumped me before I could dump him.

I’m aware of my share of responsibility in attracting dysfunctional people to my life. I tend to surround myself with the underdogs, the misunderstood.

I love what Nise da Silveira, a Brazilian psychiatrist who was Carl Jung’s student and who has revolutionized the treatment of mental health illnesses in Brazil, has to say about this:

Do not be over-healed. People who are too cured are boring. Everyone has a little bit of madness. Fortunately, I have never lived with reasonable people.

I want to be around the crazy ones. Although I know this could be a symptom of my dysfunction, I’m also not too keen on being normal.

The flip side of this choice is that I do enable abusive people from time to time. But, being aware of this, I do a lot of background work on my boundaries and know what I’m willing to accept or not.

When Things Turn Ugly

We need to decide for ourselves if our patterns are taking a toll on our overall happiness. But for this to happen, we must be completely aware of what these patterns are. Very often, we could be harming ourselves and others without even realizing it.

In my case, I am at peace with my emotional masochist traits. I’m not proud of some of the things I did in the past, but I’m working hard to stop them from happening in the future, especially in regards to hurting other people.

I am aware that, as with all personality disorders, the person suffering from it can get creative in finding excuses for their behaviors.

We frequently end up blending the disorder with our personality as a way to justify them. I’m no different.

However, there are some serious risks associated with this disorder. For example, because masochists are so used to emotional pain, we may consider ourselves invincible, which is not true. People may take advantage of our emotional strength, and we are at a higher risk of falling victim to abuse.

So, it’s even more important for us to define our boundaries. We may have a longer road than others to get there, but we can do it.

We also need to learn to ask for help and to accept help from others. At first, I was reactive to the idea of seeking professional help. Luckily, I did (self-directed joke intended).

If I hadn’t, I’d probably have turned into the crazy cat lady by now.

Thank you for reading.

If you enjoyed this article you might be interested in reading the following one on the history of humanity’s greatest fear: the fear of death.