In A Conversation With Life — Is Depression A Choice?

Am I the perfect candidate for Depression? Did I choose it? Or did it choose me?

Battling Depression for more than twenty years, and taking various meds from Zoloft to Amitriptyline, these side effects are brutal, making my situation worse as it keeps hopping in and out of my life, unwelcome.

I have always managed to stay far away from the edge.

These Doctors love to ask, after sending your medication to your pharmacy, ‘Do you have thoughts of killing yourself?’

Their first goal is to feed you with medication, that isn’t working for many of us and helps to worsen our mood and feelings.

Many of these meds are more than the number of times you eat per day. I have had cases that take 18 different meds per day. Some take twelve different kinds of medication and are convinced that they are keeping them alive.

A pill keeping you alive is enough to depress anyone.

My answer is always no, until . . . . .. . .!

I have days when I wonder, ‘Am I the perfect candidate for depression? Did I choose it? Or did it choose me?

How?

Why?

Every time I find a way to let it go, when my life starts to go where I want it, after hard work and making many sacrifices, Depression finds its way back to me.

Maybe it’s because I am older, its latest visit has pushed me to the edge. Looking down at my fighting spirit, I can touch the replay buttons of my past.

It doesn’t know that #Iintend2survive no matter what it does.

I asked the universe for help. Fighting life daily is normal for me. I need something to fight for.

I must fight something. But there are days when I just don’t want to fight anymore.

‘But that’s the only life you know,” Life reminds me. ‘Life is a fight for all humans.’

‘Even the rich too?’ my insanity went on.

‘Especially the rich. They have more to protect and be afraid of and for.’

Sighing, I relent, ‘You mean depression will always be here with me?’

‘The battles you fight, are of your own choices,’ Life threw out the painful truth.

‘You think I chose depression?’ My rage tore open the door wider.

‘Why do you think it always visits you?’

‘Are you saying I invite depression into my life because of how I live it?’ I fought back tired and weak.

‘Yes.’

‘But I live a good life. I am good to others. I care. I share. I do what life; God and our world wants me to do. I give what I want,” I complained in frustration.

‘That’s how you gain strength,” Life teased. ‘With depression, you go deeper into yourself. You re-examine yourself and life and learn new things about yourself.’

‘Is that how you pay back a kind heart?’ my anger escalates. ‘Am I being punished for living a world I wished for?’

“What, you think you are going to go through life without obstacles? Plus it adds to your creativity. You said so yourself. Thought I wasn’t listening?’

With raised brows, I demand, ‘You are saying that depression gives back too?’

“You take, didn’t you?” Life pushed me closer to the edge.

‘Am I not the victim here?’ My anger expands as reality steps in pulling me back to now.

Do you ever feel that way?

You did all the right things to get the life you NEED, and then life decides that you are alive, you must keep fighting for something else.

Depression does make me a stronger fighter. It sends me into places in my body where nothing else can send me.

I call it cleansing as I go for strength.

I can go into myself, scan and X-ray everything in me along with my actions, choices, and decisions. After every bout, I am stronger and learn many things. I am more aware too.

‘It just wants to be friends with you,’ Life teased.

Lol, yes, as a friend, I can establish a level of control I can’t with my enemies.

Someone said, that Depression isn’t sadness, but it’s the built-up of unresolved emotions that I didn’t handle. The little things in my life that I should have addressed, but didn’t.

The painful circumstances or situations that I should have dealt with immediately, but didn’t, permitting it to grow adding more pain to my life. How I let others to treat me without humanity, and just forgive them, allowing them to continue. The cruelty and thoughtlessness from the ones I give love and kindness to, and let them keep taking until nothing is left.

I created reasons for Depression to always remember me and want to stay close by.

Life is never without a reason to fight.

I can go on and on, but that would go over thirty seconds.

Lol, I am just kidding.

Do we give Depression reasons to visit us and stay?

I must save myself! Maybe life is right, I should stand up for myself more. I know many humans who keep nothing inside of them. They are never depressed. I asked some of them. They stand up for themselves and allow no one to take advantage of them at any time. They are not afraid to speak up so the people in their lives are careful how they deal with them.

Damn!

My sanity sits on one word that might help me — ASSERTIVE!

Maybe this is the cure for my depression. I must change myself and transform myself into someone I don’t want to be, to be cured.

I like me. I am happy with myself, most of the time.

Is my depression worth the pain and lessons?

Why does humanity make kindness, love, thoughtfulness, patience, understanding and all of the good qualities they want seem like punishment for the ones who share it?

Maybe life is right, Depression is a choice. Is it?

This is just me ranting and using Medium, our world, and you as my therapist. The meds aren’t working. I hope you don’t mind.

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