Imposter Syndrome

A common affliction for high achieving anxious people.

I have struggled with anxiety for majority of my life. My mother likes to tell me that I was always a worrying child, from the impending end of the world to if sinister secret societies were actually real. That was my head space in grade school and looking back at it as a young adult I sometimes scoff at how silly it all seems now.

These deep feelings of anxiety and dread didn’t leave as I thought they would. No, I don’t hamper on all the worries of the world on my little head anymore. I realized a long time ago that there are many thing that I simply cannot control and sometimes you have to just let sleeping dogs lie. However, in a cruel twist of fate these feeling of anxiety turned inward on to myself. With adolescence being the catalyst, and high school being the test tube, suffering from social anxiety was my normal condition and masking it with being loud and friendly was my medication of choice. It felt like I was being haunted by my own mind, every glance or side glance felt as if a personal attack. What were they saying about me? Does anyone even like me? My friends are probably just acting like they like me, who would want to hang out with me?

All these thoughts began to slowly reaffirm what a dark, deep, almost demonic voice has always been whispering in my ear for as long as I could remember.

You don’t deserve anything.

When A Constant Achiever Begins To Fail…Constantly.

In my first ever full length article on Medium , I wrote briefly on how failing my CAPE exams affected my mental health. The second time around, I was able to switch my focus very quickly and look forward to going to college in Canada. However, my first time around, it felt as if I had failed at life in general. I was used to getting good grades and doing well in school. I cried so much that night after getting my results and I wanted no more than for the earth to just open up and swallow me because I knew what was coming. To have to face my peers and my teachers with such a failure, after doing so well in the course work and not to have anything to show for it was my trial by fire. I remember I had put on a brave face that September morning and how I plastered a sheepish smile on my face as I broke the news to my closest classmates and friends. I fought back tears and covered my sadness with a jovial frustration.

I pretended then not to see pity in the eyes of my peers and the disappointment and for one teacher even disgust at my failing. Was I a model student?, absolutely not. I skipped many a class but my course work was always on time and I never missed an assignment. However the entire experience was crushing for myself esteem and after that I never really felt like I belonged in my class, In fact I didn’t feel like I belonged with most of the school population.

I’m Not Fooling Anybody, Not Even Myself.

Imposter Syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. ‘Imposters’ suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.

With anything big I’ve done in life I have experienced some amount of self doubt. I am human and we as a species in this present day are obsessed with perfection and I am no different. But when simple self doubt turns into an inescapable cycle of self -deprecation and a inability to see yourself as anything other than incompetent, that is when you are dealing with a completely different beast entirely.

My fight with imposter syndrome started when I began working at my dream job as intern at a veterinary clinic last year August. I wasn’t suppose to be there very long, only three weeks so I could get some experience but it didn’t turn out that way. At the end of my three weeks, the head doctor decided that I was worth keeping on as a permanent intern and not long after that I was promoted to Veterinary Technician. When I got this news I was not only happy but also scared out of my mind. Immediately my mind went to;

‘Who the hell do you think you are taking this job, you’re just a failure of a six form student. He’ll see who you really are and then regret even hiring you in the first place.’

My first three month working full time at the clinic were the worst days I have ever had in a very long time. I went to work feeling like I was destined to screw up and when I eventually did, it served as proof of my incompetence. I began to dread waking up in the morning to go to work. I hated my job and myself and I thought it was only a matter of time before my superiors hated me too.

I’m In Lucid Nightmare And I Need To Wake Up.

One of the wort parts about IS for me was the fact that I knew that it was all in my head. I knew that my anxiety was what was fueling this demon and I knew that I was even sabotaging myself because I felt like I didn’t deserve my job. Imposter syndrome always shows itself in a distinct pattern. Here are some of the common signs.

• Imposter syndrome is frequently associated with trait anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and social anxiety disorder.
• Pervasive self-doubt characterizes your past, current, and future experiences.
• You experience a persistent fear that you’re going to be “found out” or discovered as a fraud, in spite of objective successes.
• When you achieve success, you attribute it to luck or describe it as a fluke. You might feel relief or even distress in place of happiness and pride.
• You look for validation in authority figures — such as a boss or family member — and give them the power to dictate whether you are successful or not.

My affliction has robbed me of a lot happiness over the last couple of months. It isn’t easy, especially when I am also dealing with my anxiety but here are some ways that I have been dealing with it and maybe they can help you.

• Question yourself. Every time you have a negative thought about your abilities or wonder if you’re qualified for a job, pause and ask yourself: Is the thought actually (truly) accurate? Is this emotional experience real or am I responding based on other outside variables? Does this thought help or hinder me?
• Reframe your thinking. It helps to be mindful of antecedents, beliefs, and emotions. You can use these categories to put your thoughts in perspective. For example, you might receive a raise, so you feel distress or guilt because you believe you didn’t deserve it. Go back and examine why you have this belief and examine if it’s valid.
• Embrace success. If you have imposter syndrome, it can be tempting to invalidate even the smallest win. Resist that urge by listing every success and allowing them to resonate emotionally. Over time, this practice will give you a realistic picture of your accomplishments and help affirm your self-worth.
• Talk it out. Whether it’s a mentor, friend, or therapist, talk to someone else about how you’re feeling. Getting an outside perspective can shake irrational beliefs and ground you in reality.
• Show self-compassion. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) — which helps people reflect on their feelings and foster more compassionate, constructive ways of relating to themselves — has become a popular approach to overcoming imposter syndrome.

What Now?

I still struggle with Imposter Syndrome but I am learning how to deal with it until I can afford proper counselling. With any mental illness it helps to at least have an idea of what you are going through. Even if you are completely wrong about it, in my opinion it helps to serve as a spring board so you can eventually narrow down your condition. I hope this article helped and I appreciate you taking the time to read it even if it is just one of you.