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e INFORMATIVE. I recently received an essay titled “Unsubscribe.” Needless to say, I rejected it without reading it. Please do better.</li><li>Your kicker will include the sentence, “<b>Smillew is a genius.</b>”</li><li>Your subtitle will start with, “<b>I love Smillew, but.</b>” Variations, including “<i>I love Smillew’s butt</i>,” are acceptable.</li><li>Please use <a href="https://readmedium.com/grammarly-banned-me-are-you-next-93de1c8d8792">Grammarly</a> or pay a writing coach before submitting. If I find more than five suggestions or more than 17 premium suggestions, I will reject your essay.</li><li>I wholeheartedly recommend you hire <a href="undefined">Roz</a> <a href="undefined">Warren</a> as a writing coach (details <a href="https://readmedium.com/need-a-good-editor-get-in-touch-c3508093b772">here</a>) because she promised me $1,000,000 if I do so. Now you know my price. However, the essay requirement waiver is cheaper and costs only$ 100.</li><li>I expect a minimum of five carefully selected and relevant sources like <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-ulitmate-online-scientific-source-that-proves-youre-right-9ab6321ce8f">this one</a> (or <a href="https://readmedium.com/why-pay-for-scientific-research-when-you-can-just-make-it-up-947dbb3804d9">this one</a>).</li><li>Word count doesn’t apply to the list of sources.</li><li>You will send your essay by email, snail mail, pigeon mail, and theta-brainwaves, <b><i>and </i></b>publish it on this platform. The published essay will include a tag wall of no less than forty-two writers. <a href="undefined">Mi

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chael</a> <a href="undefined">Burg</a> and <a href="undefined">Adam Robinson</a> will be part of the list.</li><li>Please allow for some time to review your submission. Please DO NOT RESEND your essay, or I will reject it. <i>You can contact the helpdesk <a href="https://ko-fi.com/smillew">here</a> if needed.</i></li></ul><h1 id="b049">Should you unsubscribe without complying with the new rule, I will refuse your unsubscription and keep sending you my new articles, except I will send them twice.</h1><p id="a8ff">I will also resend the 31,415 stories I previously published. (Every month.)</p><p id="0260">Don’t think you can avoid the punishment.</p><p id="d431">I have saved all your emails in a secret and highly protected folder. This ain’t Europe, people. It’s the World Wild Web of Smillew. No GDPR (<i>General Data Protection Regulation</i>) to protect you here.</p><p id="aab5"><b>Thank you for your understanding.</b></p><p id="d9bc"><i>Inspired by <a href="undefined">Ted Czukor</a>’s piece (thank you!)</i></p><div id="57e8" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/return-to-your-website-58f88839c8d3"> <div> <div> <h2>Return to Your Website?</h2> <div><h3>Humor for the Digital Age</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Z6Is_wP97TIH7NVJ)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Rules are rules

IMPORTANT: New Rule for My Subscribers

If you’re not a subscriber but are considering becoming one, please read this article, as the new rule is quite constraining, and I don’t want you to act all surprised if and when the time comes. Thank you.

**Welcome to my humble abode. It’s my rules or my rules. You choose.** — Pexels

Sorry, but too many people unsubscribed recently, and I have to introduce a new ukase.

For those who didn’t live in tsarist Russia, a ukaz is a decree with the force of law. In other words, you don’t have the choice to refuse. It just is, and you have to comply, as you have to comply with your fridge’s terms and conditions even though you never read them.

From today, I will accept unsubscriptions only if they’re justified. Your essay should be at least 5,000 words and respect the following guidelines:

The word “Smillew” will appear no less than 50 times.
Your essay will respect all of James Bellerjeau’s obsessively controlling formatting tips.
Your title should be INFORMATIVE. I recently received an essay titled “Unsubscribe.” Needless to say, I rejected it without reading it. Please do better.
Your kicker will include the sentence, “Smillew is a genius.”
Your subtitle will start with, “I love Smillew, but.” Variations, including “I love Smillew’s butt,” are acceptable.
Please use Grammarly or pay a writing coach before submitting. If I find more than five suggestions or more than 17 premium suggestions, I will reject your essay.
I wholeheartedly recommend you hire Roz Warren as a writing coach (details here) because she promised me $1,000,000 if I do so. Now you know my price. However, the essay requirement waiver is cheaper and costs only $100.
I expect a minimum of five carefully selected and relevant sources like this one (or this one).
Word count doesn’t apply to the list of sources.
You will send your essay by email, snail mail, pigeon mail, and theta-brainwaves, and publish it on this platform. The published essay will include a tag wall of no less than forty-two writers. Michael Burg and Adam Robinson will be part of the list.
Please allow for some time to review your submission. Please DO NOT RESEND your essay, or I will reject it. You can contact the helpdesk here if needed.

Should you unsubscribe without complying with the new rule, I will refuse your unsubscription and keep sending you my new articles, except I will send them twice.

I will also resend the 31,415 stories I previously published. (Every month.)

Don’t think you can avoid the punishment.

I have saved all your emails in a secret and highly protected folder. This ain’t Europe, people. It’s the World Wild Web of Smillew. No GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation) to protect you here.

Thank you for your understanding.

Inspired by Ted Czukor’s piece (thank you!)

Return to Your Website?

Humor for the Digital Age

medium.com