I’m Your 3-Year-Old and All I Ask Is That You Memorize This 10-Page Dialogue for My Toys in the…

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Abstract

hen you’re staring at your phone while I’m explaining the inflection you need to put on the word “Hey” during the third act you’re not actually studying Denzel Washington acting tutorials like you say you are!</p><p id="50e1">I mean, I kind of hope you’re not. Because your pitiful performance really would not speak well for Mr. Washington’s teaching ability.</p><p id="9423">Anyway, can we get back to it now? Hold on. I need to go to the bathroom. Now. Now. NOWWW!</p><p id="2de3">Sorry, false alarm. Let’s do this! Do you think you have it down now? How about now? Now? Now? NOW?</p><p id="9cc2">OMG. NO! How many times to I have to tell you that the second Barbie would never say something like “Why don’t we go in the pool?” She hates water! That’s something the third Barbie would say, but only when she’s not feuding with Elsa! What did I do to deserve this?</p><p id="3468">Oh, right, was it the Raisin Bran incident at the grocery store? Well, I can’t say I’m proud of that, but it had to be done.</p><p id="4e3d">Stop trying to distract me! This is about you, not me! Specifically, your complete inability to memorize any of these three hundred lines I keep changing. It’s been two whole minutes!</p><p id="ef15">Where were we? Ugh, I can’t remember now. Oh well, let’s just take it from the top. I just thought of a better opening anyway. How does a round of “hellos” followed by a seven-doll melee sound to you?</p><p id="0a81"><i>More Frazzled drama…</i></p><div id="14be" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/classic-horror-movies-remade-for-children-711bbc0a59f3"> <div> <div> <h2>Classic Horror Movies Remade for Children</h2> <div><h3>I’ve had it with all the horror in these mother-(censored) horror movies!</h3></div>

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            <h2>Dad Seeks Friend to Appreciate His References to Song Lyrics and Indulge His Persistent…</h2>
            <div><h3>Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I’m sick of wasting my best material on them and I’m sick of their sunny…</h3></div>
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            <h2>Two Dads Converse in the Parking Lot While Dropping Their Preschoolers Off for Puppet Day</h2>
            <div><h3>[In a preschool parking lot at 8:32 a.m. on a Friday. It is an unseasonably warm morning in February.]</h3></div>
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Do you not love me enough to complete this very easy task?!?!

Honestly, it’s a simple ask. I don’t understand why you’re struggling with this so much.

Everyone knows the creative work is the hard part and I’ve already done that! I’m not asking you to create ten pages of expertly crafted, very tight dialogue for seven of my dolls and toys. All you have to do is memorize it in the next two minutes, repeat it without error, use the correct voice for each character, and adjust on the fly to any adjustments I make mid performance.

Crikey! How hard is that?

By the way you’re carrying on — what with all the huffing, eye rolling, and complaining — you’d think I was asking you to do something difficult like not ride the dog or sit at the dinner table without pretending the peas are dinosaur poop.

You call yourself a parent, right? Aren’t parents supposed to be able to do things? Like care for and feed their children and actually support their artistic ambitions by putting in the bare minimum effort to remember that the giant ball collides with the dolls AFTER the bear mauls them and BEFORE they say, “What’s happening!?! We have to get out of here!”

Sometimes I wonder if you’re even trying. In fact, I’m beginning to suspect when you’re staring at your phone while I’m explaining the inflection you need to put on the word “Hey” during the third act you’re not actually studying Denzel Washington acting tutorials like you say you are!

I mean, I kind of hope you’re not. Because your pitiful performance really would not speak well for Mr. Washington’s teaching ability.

Anyway, can we get back to it now? Hold on. I need to go to the bathroom. Now. Now. NOWWW!

Sorry, false alarm. Let’s do this! Do you think you have it down now? How about now? Now? Now? NOW?

OMG. NO! How many times to I have to tell you that the second Barbie would never say something like “Why don’t we go in the pool?” She hates water! That’s something the third Barbie would say, but only when she’s not feuding with Elsa! What did I do to deserve this?

Oh, right, was it the Raisin Bran incident at the grocery store? Well, I can’t say I’m proud of that, but it had to be done.

Stop trying to distract me! This is about you, not me! Specifically, your complete inability to memorize any of these three hundred lines I keep changing. It’s been two whole minutes!

Where were we? Ugh, I can’t remember now. Oh well, let’s just take it from the top. I just thought of a better opening anyway. How does a round of “hellos” followed by a seven-doll melee sound to you?

More Frazzled drama…

I’m Your 3-Year-Old and All I Ask Is That You Memorize This 10-Page Dialogue for My Toys in the Next Two Minutes

Do you not love me enough to complete this very easy task?!?!

Classic Horror Movies Remade for Children

I’ve had it with all the horror in these mother-(censored) horror movies!

Dad Seeks Friend to Appreciate His References to Song Lyrics and Indulge His Persistent…

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but I’m sick of wasting my best material on them and I’m sick of their sunny…

Two Dads Converse in the Parking Lot While Dropping Their Preschoolers Off for Puppet Day

[In a preschool parking lot at 8:32 a.m. on a Friday. It is an unseasonably warm morning in February.]