Classic Horror Movies Remade for Children

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le family.</p><h2 id="7095">A Nightmare on Elm Street</h2><p id="1371">Freddy Krueger has returned from the dead yet again, but this time he’s blossomed into a kindly neighborhood resident who invites kids over to play with his litter of puppies. He’s like Mister Rogers but with knife hands. Fortunately, he’s learned the error of his ways and is no longer a blood-thirsty serial killer haunting teenage dreams. Even more fortunately, the neighborhood kids naturally fight naps with every fiber of their beings, so there’s little danger of any relapse killings.</p><h2 id="6e72">Snakes (in a can) On a Plane</h2><p id="de69">This time, it’s a comedy! Every ten seconds another passenger opens a can of “mixed nuts” which turns out to be…spring-loaded gag snakes. This prank, which never gets old despite the 197-minute screening time, results in uproarious laughter from the entire flight manifest. Also, every third word is bleeped out for maximum family friendliness.</p><h2 id="9c2a">The Silence of the Lambs</h2><p id="081a">Literally ninety minutes of silent, adorable

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lambs frolicking in meadows, pastures, and Walmart parking lots.</p><h2 id="ccdf">Jaws</h2><p id="817b">As Supreme Scary Fish, Jaws has known no equal. In the family-friendly remake, however, his razor-sharp teeth have been humanely removed, leaving him to adorably gum and slobber his way through each of his vegan meals. Local, free-range children, who’ve taken to affectionately calling him “Jawsy McJawsface,” swim out in droves to ride on his delightfully chubby shark back as he spouts witty and inspiring commentaries about the sad state of our oceans.</p><h2 id="3b87">The Exorcist</h2><p id="40fd">One of the scariest movies of all time has been transformed into an adorable musical production. With numbers including “I’m Gonna Wash That Demon Right Outta My Hair!”, “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Possession?”, and “Send in the Priests,” this film is sure to serve up delights for the whole family. From the tiniest tots to the sullenest tweens, the upbeat musical score and soaring cinematography will leave everyone screaming for an encore.</p></article></body>

I’ve had it with all the horror in these mother-(censored) horror movies!

Scary movies can be fun. They give us all the amusement of bowel-cleansing terror without having to leave the comfort of our living rooms. Do you know what’s not fun, though? Staying up all night with the lights on clutching a crucifix while binge-watching Disney movies.

Also, consider the children. Shouldn’t they be allowed to enjoy classic tales of horror without we, as parents, losing precious sleep just to calm their silly recurring nightmares? Luckily, several time-honored films have recently been remade — providing fun for the whole family.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Freddy Krueger has returned from the dead yet again, but this time he’s blossomed into a kindly neighborhood resident who invites kids over to play with his litter of puppies. He’s like Mister Rogers but with knife hands. Fortunately, he’s learned the error of his ways and is no longer a blood-thirsty serial killer haunting teenage dreams. Even more fortunately, the neighborhood kids naturally fight naps with every fiber of their beings, so there’s little danger of any relapse killings.

Snakes (in a can) On a Plane

This time, it’s a comedy! Every ten seconds another passenger opens a can of “mixed nuts” which turns out to be…spring-loaded gag snakes. This prank, which never gets old despite the 197-minute screening time, results in uproarious laughter from the entire flight manifest. Also, every third word is bleeped out for maximum family friendliness.

Jaws

As Supreme Scary Fish, Jaws has known no equal. In the family-friendly remake, however, his razor-sharp teeth have been humanely removed, leaving him to adorably gum and slobber his way through each of his vegan meals. Local, free-range children, who’ve taken to affectionately calling him “Jawsy McJawsface,” swim out in droves to ride on his delightfully chubby shark back as he spouts witty and inspiring commentaries about the sad state of our oceans.

The Exorcist

One of the scariest movies of all time has been transformed into an adorable musical production. With numbers including “I’m Gonna Wash That Demon Right Outta My Hair!”, “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Possession?”, and “Send in the Priests,” this film is sure to serve up delights for the whole family. From the tiniest tots to the sullenest tweens, the upbeat musical score and soaring cinematography will leave everyone screaming for an encore.