I’m Walking Away From Something I Love

I’m sad about it, but not sorry

Today I made the decision to leave a job that has been a huge part of my life for the past 13 years. Up until recently, it’s been one that I have dearly loved, despite its shoe-string budget and small, but hard-working staff. It’s a non-profit that gives life coaching to women coming out of tough circumstances, something that I very much believe in and have been proud to be a part of. Some of my most remarkable clients have come to me as a result of this job. I’ve also had the opportunity to grow myself as a leader and to have the satisfaction of building a program that is one aspect of this organization pretty much from the ground up. It’s been very fulfilling.

As much as I don’t want to, it’s clear to me that it’s now time to cut the ties and move on. I’m sad, I feel like I’m going to be leaving people I care about in the lurch when I go, but I also know how to listen to the signals and information that my own emotions are sending to me and to trust my gut. You can’t live for other people and one of our fundamental guidelines in this organization is that if you, the coach, are working harder than the client, it’s a red flag.

Red flags are waving everywhere right now as I find myself working harder than most of the other people around me to navigate some of the current transitions and challenges. It’s not fun anymore. I’m either angry or sad a good bit of the time. I can’t work this hard for something that doesn’t give me back much in return. I was willing to work crazy hard when it was fun and enriching. It used to be, but like a love relationship that has gone sour, the thrill is gone and I got clear today that it’s not coming back. Time to break up!

I take self-responsibility very seriously. I believe it’s one of the most empowering things you can do in life, to notice what part you are playing in any dynamic and own it. This means that you then are in a position to create something different the next time around. It means you have some agency in your own life. But part of me taking responsibility for my part in any given scenario is that I expect you to do the same. If you aren’t willing to own your part or if you insist on making excuses for other’s behavior and not asking them to also take responsibility for their words and actions, that doesn’t work for me.

Integrity is central in my world. It’s almost a religion for me and I will not undermine that in order to “get along.” I will not sweep shit under the rug in the hopes that we can move past it without actually dealing with the issues at hand. That’s just putting icing over mud and pretty soon it’s going to stink.

What looks like cooperation and being accepting of differences is in this case actually just enabling destructive behavior. Yes, of course, there is room to take into account other perspectives and differing points of view, but if you aren’t bringing that to the table with a collaborative spirit that wants to find a way to work things through, then it’s just undermining of the organization as a whole. For the past 11 years, we have operated this way, and I am not willing to just let that go now without a fight.

Unfortunately, I’m tired of fighting. It hasn’t gotten me where I’ve wanted to go and it’s taken a huge toll on me personally and professionally. I feel like standing for what is vitally important to me and what I believe this organization is at its core has made me stand out as a problem and a fomenter of conflict. I don’t have any more bandwidth for this. I don’t have any more tolerance for excusing away other people’s behavior just because they had good intentions. And so I’m turning in my notice tomorrow.

There is no-one who has the institutional knowledge or skill to do what I do. It’s going to create a void when I leave. And, I’m also not indispensable. They will figure it out or they won’t and although I’ll do my part to make for a smooth transition, ultimately, that’s not mine. Loyalty is a big deal to me, and in the end, I most need to be loyal to myself and to my family. The rest will sort itself out.