I’m Unemployed, But at Least I’m Not in Greenland

Not at Princess Bride rock bottom yet, and so grateful

Sure, I’m unemployed. I’ve got zero prospects. All the jobs evaporated in a cold Covid wind and left so many high and dry.

But as I look at my laptop and think about the future, I count my blessings. Starting with the fact that I have a laptop connected to the internet! On a real live desk!

I’m grateful that I can spell the word troglehumper. Don’t know what it means, but I’m pretty sure that’s how you spell it.

I’m grateful for BLT’s (Big Lettuce and Tomato sandwiches.) We plant-based eaters have to take our wins where we can get them. Bacon tastes horrible anyway!

But most of all, I’m grateful for The Princess Bride, where I learned that as long as you aren’t unemployed in Greenland, you haven’t sunk to the bottom of the pile yet.

“Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed? In Greenland?” — Vizzini, The Princess Bride

I’m not in Greenland so there’s hope

I will get out of this mess alive.

It might be tricky. There could be times where I don’t know where the next dollar will come from.

I might have to do terrible things in dark, cold alleys to stay alive. Things involving ROUS’s (Rodents of Unusual Size. They are dangerous, but they only attack if they smell blood or outnumber their opponent.)

I try not to eat too many peanuts

Being unemployed gives me too much time to do things by myself that I shouldn’t. Like, eat.

I have to stay away from the toaster and stop buttering so much toast. I need to keep out the pantry and that giant bag of salted peanuts from Costco.

But who chooses lettuce when there’s snacks? No one.

“No more rhymes now I mean it!” — “Anybody want a peanut?”― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

I get up early to avoid the blade

I get up early each day to work on my writing skills. I work hard to convince my wife I’m not just sitting in front of my laptop on social media. I have a plan to keep her from worrying that we will die in the poorhouse.

I’m chief bottle washer, laundry dude and writer with big ambitions. I’m keeping one step ahead of that encroaching doom. She will let me live on her ship if I’m useful.

“Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.” — Dread Pirate Roberts, The Princess Bride

Having fun storming the castle

I’m having fun on my suicide mission against the forces of the universe arrayed against me. As I go through my day alternately looking for jobs to apply to, writing, and teasing my cat, I find that it’s okay.

“Have fun stormin’ da castle.” — Miracle Max

I take a break to practice a dance move before getting supper on the go. The wife will be home from work soon.

She might get sick of me hanging around soon enough, and send me off to Greenland. But not yet. And as long as I keep the laundry and the dishes done, she most likely won’t kill me in the morning, no matter how annoying my jokes get.

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