THE ELK, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND

I’m the Elk Who Wore a Tire Around His Neck

You humans stole my tire, and I want it back, damnit

Dear humans,

Yoo-hoo! It’s me, Eddy the elk. Have you forgotten about me and my whole saga? I know it’s been a while since my incredible life story was all over the news. Allow me to jog your memory.

Once upon a time in Colorado, I lived a simple life. I ate. I drank. I fucked. I gallivanted. I wore a tire.

Everything was kewl until you humans stole my tire. I want it back right now, damnit. That’s why I’m writing this blog post. I want to tell you my story so you can help hook me up with my wheel.

This whole thing started one night in 2019 when the bulls and I went out for Larry’s bachelor party, which just happened to take place near a Kia dealership. I got wasted and passed out. I woke up the next day with that tire around my neck.

That’s right — we elk don’t draw dicks on each other’s faces when we pass out like you humans. Our pranks are more elaborate. That’s why my buddies pimped my neck with a tire. They didn’t realize they were actually giving me the best makeover ever.

I looked gangsta with that chain around my neck. With just three more wheels, I would have been a full car. I was so original.

I rocked my tire for two years until October 2021. That’s when the rangers tracked me down like a Pokémon, tranquilized me, and cut my antlers off so they could snatch my rubber necklace.

The rangers said they took my tire so I could live a normal elk life again. LIES. Those pricks just wanted my bling.

Here are the reasons I urgently need my tire back.

With my tire gone, my wife Cindy has become frigid

I met my wife Cindy soon after I got my wheel. Looking back, I realize I would have never been able to pull a hot cow like her without my ice.

She loved that tire. During coitus, she’d moan, “Eddy! Smack my ass with your motherfucking tire, Eddy! Don’t be a bitch! Bounce my ass against that fucking rubber!”

But now, not so much. These days, whenever I mount her from behind, she rolls her eyes and mutters, “Let’s get this over with.” Then she looks over at our kids and says, “Your father is a fucking disappointment.”

To make matters worse, last night I saw her checking out Dave’s antlers. Ginormous.

You know what they say — big antlers, big dick.

That cow is cheating on me with Dave. That’s why I want my tire back, damnit.

Cindy loved my style when I wore that tire

Cindy didn’t only love my chain during sexy time. She loved it all the time. She always said it gave me the swolest neck she’d ever seen. Then I’d say, “Every day is neck day!” and she’d hoot with laughter.

Sure, it wasn’t the conventional bling you see on P Diddy or Jay-Z. But who needs a golden, diamond encrusted hip-hop medallion when you have a 35-pound fucking Michelin Defender LTX around your neck? I took that shit to a whole other level.

With my statement piece, all the cows wanted me, and the bulls wanted to be me.

I want my tire back, damnit.

Cindy loved it when I was King of the Rockies, but now I’m just a basic elk

All the creatures were in awe of my mystical tire. The chipmunks, marmots, and squirrels became my groupies. Every morning, I’d do my animal call and they’d flock to me like I was Ace Ventura.

Even predators like the mountain lions, bears, and coyotes were mesmerized by my tire. They stopped trying to attack me because they knew my gorget was impenetrable.

I earned the title “King Eddy of the Rocky Mountains.” Cindy was so hot for that title.

But when I showed up without my tire, Chipmunk Chester jumped onto his mushroom and yelled, “Loser!” Marmot Maxwell exclaimed, “No tire? Hell no!” And Squirrel Simone just gasped in shock. Just look at the disappointment on their faces.

To make matters worse, when the predators first saw my antlerless head and naked neck, they laughed hysterically and called me names like Bambi and “Edible Eddy”. They kept saying, “Motherfucker, you’re going DOWN! You better run, Edible Eddy!”

I’m no longer a legend. But if I get my tire back, I’ll reclaim my title as King, and Cindy will love me again.

I want my tire back, damnit.

I’ll meet you at the Goodyear in downtown Denver

Now I’d like to directly address the Governor of the great state of Colorado.

Governor Jared Polis — I’m not asking you to cancel elk hunting season. I’m not even asking you to tell that bat-shit crazy Congresswoman Lauren Boebert to shut the hell up.

All I want you to do is hook me up with my wheel. Come on, Jared! Help an elk out. Dress my neck up. Accessorize this shit. Decorate me with my motherfucking tire. I’ll be at the Goodyear tire shop in downtown Denver tomorrow so we can get this shit done.

Let me know.

Kind Regards,

Eddy, the elk who wants his tire back

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