GLOBAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Santa Claus Retires Because Enough of This Bullshit

Mele Kalikimaka and farewell, bitches

Greetings kids,

It’s me, Santa Claus. I’m sending this email to all the children on my mailing list to announce that I’m resigning because fuck my life.

That’s right — I’m shutting down the North Pole Headquarters. Soon, Santa Claus Inc. will be no more.

You must be disappointed about not getting presents from me this year. I don’t give a shit. Go tell your parents to get on Amazon Prime and figure it out. Having to manufacture and deliver a trillion presents every winter has taken its toll on me. I’m done breaking my back for you ungrateful, whiny little pricks. I’m tired of Christmas.

But it’s not just me — my entire staff up here at the North Pole is tired too. That’s right — we’re not as jolly as you might think. Job satisfaction here is horrendous. We’ve never had such a high turnover rate.

Allow me to explain why it’s time for us to retire and move on, starting with the jingle horses.

The Reindeer

Let’s face it — these millennial reindeer aren’t exactly lining up to be the next Rudolph, Dancer or Prancer. They all refuse to wear the squeaky red clown nose in their auditions, and they always complain about having to fly everywhere.

Well guess what? If I can’t convince them to fly me around the world, then how the hell is everyone going to get their presents? Last year, they were so lazy, they tried to take a shortcut and we ended up in North Korea.

Do you think North Koreans celebrate Christmas? Hell no. Do you think Kim Jong-un was happy to see us? Hell yes. He raided our sack of toys like a raccoon pillaging through a trash can.

It’s time for them to retire. I won’t miss the reindeer.

The Elves

Then there are the elves. They’re getting tired too. In fact, over the years, they’ve gotten so burnt out that they started really screwing up on the job. They have built so many defective products. It’s been a true PR disaster.

Remember that Samsung smartphone that exploded on an airplane a couple years ago? That was Doody the Elf’s creation. Yeah, Doody is one of my guys. We had to suspend that little jerk for negligence.

To make matters worse, I overheard the elves saying that when I retire, they’ll start selling their creations on Etsy. I’m warning you — if you see their hazardous shit on Etsy, don’t buy it. And don’t you dare feel sorry for them — they have a union, so they’ll be just fine.

It’s time for them to retire. I won’t miss the elves.

The Snowmen

Then there are the Snowmen. Those climate-change deniers refuse to believe they’re melting. In fact, I bumped into Frosty the Snowman at the ice rink the other day, and his face was completely lopsided because — well, he was evaporating. His carrot nose even slid off mid-sentence, but he just acted like everything was fine and kept yapping away. He’s in complete denial.

I told him that he and his family should chill in the freezers at the North Pole Ice-Cream Factory, but he made a scene and yelled, “Fuck Al Gore!” So I think I’ll avoid Frosty and his entire family from now on. Next time I see a group of Snowmen coming around the block, I’ll drive the other way.

It’s time for them to retire — or in their case, morph into slush. I won’t miss the Snowmen.

Mrs. Claus

Then there’s Mrs. Claus. My Wifey for Lifey. Screw that ho. She has sucked the joy out of Christmas.

She makes so many dumb rules and runs the North Pole like it’s the KGB. Talk about breathing down everyone’s neck. She micro-manages the shit out of everything — the workshop, the elves, the reindeer, and the Christmas card photoshoots with the polar bears.

Sure — she’s a true Boss Bitch, and that’s admirable. But she always says she’s too busy to have sexy time with Santa. I haven’t tapped that ass since the 70s — the 1870s. We’ve stayed together so we can maintain our social status as a power couple, but we both know we’re headed for divorce.

It’s time for that dictator to retire. I won’t miss that she-devil.

Santa Claus is Tired Too

I’m tired of the politics in the North Pole. I’m tired of checking if you’re naughty or nice. And I’m tired of holding onto that sleigh for dear life while the reindeer and I blast ourselves into the sky at a million miles per hour and bulldoze through thousands of winter storms so we can get to your houses on time and meet all those impossible KPIs set by my narcissistic tyrant wife.

The worst part is that sitting on my ass in that sleigh for so long really makes my hemorrhoids flare up.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m ready for a slower pace of life, so I’m moving to Hawaii.

What will I be doing in Hawaii, you ask?

First of all, paddleboarding. Sure, it’s humiliating trying to do any type of watersport in this ridonkulous red costume, but I still have sponsors, so I’ll have to put up with it for a while longer.

Second, I’ll move in with my girlfriend. That’s right, I got a side-chick. Her name is Diamond and she has the ass of a goddess. I bought her a Lamborghini, but she never drives it because she bounces everywhere on her exquisite derriere. That’s her tush at the top of this email.

Next, I’ll chill in a hammock and listen to “Over the Rainbow” by Hawaiian legend Israel Kamakawiwoʻole while Diamond serves me a Mai Tai and lets me motorboat her.

What does this all mean for you, kiddos? Buy your own shitty presents. Stuff yourselves down your own shitty chimneys. Eat your own shitty cookies. And while you’re at it, be NAUGHTY. Wreak some havoc. Piss your parents off. You only get to be young once!

Well, you little brats, I hope you enjoyed this farewell email. See you never again.

Mele Kalikimaka!

Santa Claus

P.S. This will be me soon. Don’t hate.

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