I'm the CGI Artist in Charge of Deleting Boners From Marvel Movies

It is a hard job, but someone has to do it

Hello, friends, old and new. You may know me from hits such as Captain America's enhanced tushy or Spiderman's prominent pecs.

Actually, no, you have probably never heard of me, for I have the most thankless job in the industry.

You know how when you watch a Marvel movie, and you see those muscular guys in a thigh suit, and then your eyes unavoidably travel down their chiseled chest and belly until they stop at their crotch area because you are expecting such magnificent humans to carry huge boners?

You are hoping to glimpse a piece of heaven, aren't you?

But then, disappointment hits when you realize despite the thinness of the fabric, there's nothing there for you to see, for that cherished stick of paradise has been stolen from you.

It was me. I'm the thief.

I thought this was going to be huge.

I was young and naive and in need of money. So, when I heard there was an opening in the CGI team at Marvel Studios, I thought my prayers had been answered.

I believed I was going to be part of something huge.

From now on, when kids watched superhero movies, I would be able to point out, "See that glow coming out of Loki's staff? That was all me…"

However, on my first day at the job, something strange happened that proved my expectations of the job did not stem from reality.

And then I met Peter Johnson.

I arrived at Marvel Studios eager to be a member of the team and become best friends with everybody. Instead, the second I stepped into the building, I was greeted by a stiff dude who claimed his name was Peter Johnson. To this day, I still don't know what his role in the company is, especially because he now avoids me whenever we spot each other.

On that fateful morning, he quickly said, "Hello, welcome. Follow me." Then, he guided me until we reached an office in the depths of the building.

Someone had taped a sheet of paper on the door with the words, "Pen15 project." Peter ripped it away and muttered, "Very mature, guys." Then he opened the door and said, "In here, please."

Once inside, Peter turned the lights on and, for the first time since my arrival, I managed to smile.

Oh, my! What a setup!

There before me were three 49 inches monitors, a kick-ass ergonomic chair, and, on a side table, plenty of soft drinks and snacks, and, all around us, posters for every single Marvel movie and TV show.

Still, there was an unusual thing that caught my eye.

"Peter, why is there a huge magnifying glass in front of the central monitor," I asked.

"Oh, yeah, that…" he said. "Well, the previous guy found it helpful."

"Helpful for what?" I asked.

"He claimed that it gave him the whole perspective," he replied.

"Perspective of what?" I kept on questioning.

I was not prepared for this ride.

It was then that he informed me that it would be my job to peruse through every single frame of every upcoming Marvel movie and make sure the shape of superheroes' packages wasn't visible through their suits.

"What?" I asked.

"You know, their suits are so tight that sometimes their bulges manage to stand up in a scene. We are making family movies; we cannot allow that. Everybody knows Marvel superheroes don't have sex lives," he explained.

"In fact, sometimes you will also have to work your magic when the superheroes are wearing jeans. Some of them show off even while wearing denim," he said while staring at Captain America's poster.

"I'm sorry, what!?" was all I managed to say.

"Just make sure it looks smooth. Your work has to be seamless. We'll know you did well when we can't even tell you were there. Know what I mean?" he finished.

Professional cock eraser.

And that has been my life since then: staring at superheroes' packages, day in and day out, figuring out how to make them disappear.

I tried to hang out with the other guys in the office, but none of them will talk to me, so I just stay in my little corner until everybody leaves.

I'm alone in the eye of the storm.

I don't even dare try to date anybody. Can you imagine that? "Hey, what do you do for a living?" What am I supposed to say? "Oh, that…well, I'm a professional cock eraser."

Things got way worse a few weeks ago when it came to light I had to work on Tenoch Huerta's bulge for the Wakanda Forever movie.

People mocked my work as if I didn't have to spend hours staring into Mr. Huerta's crotch, to the point where, if I ever found him on the street, I think I would be able to recognize him only by going down on my knees.

I'm not gonna lie to you. It's not easy to live your life when people think you have stolen something beautiful from them. It's not my fault! I'm just doing my job.

Luckily, I found a support group for people like me. There are just a few of us, but we got each other's back. It includes people like the gal who had to erase Bryce Dallas Howard's ass and the dude who had to blur Laura Harring's crotch in Mulholland Drive. They have shared so much wisdom with me…

The guy who had to CGI Henry Cavill's mustache for Justice League has tried to join us, but we do have standards.

Some monstrosities should not be allowed to exist.

I don't know how long I will stay on this job. It keeps on getting harder and harder, but I tell myself I'm protecting Marvel's legacy, even though I'm just cranking up plain-looking art people are supposed to enjoy.

In any case, I keep on poking with my resume, trying to find a way to explain what I have done here without making it sound like a ton of baloney.

I'm grateful to the editors of The Mitch for allowing me to tell my side of the story. They assure me they would treat it with the respect it deserves, unlike the junk that usually gets published on other news outlets.

And to you, reader, all I can say is: I'm sorry I have denied you such earthly delights. Perhaps, one day, society will evolve to the point where no one pisses on the things that give us joy.

Time will tell…but Marvel won't show.