I’m Taking Steps For A Better Ass

The life of an ass-less man is an uncomfortable one

Please spare a moment for the ass-less men of the world.

Women may be more pressured by society in a world obsessed with a certain female body shape, but what about guys? Women like a good butt on their men too, don’t they?

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m ass-less. I quite literally have no ass. I’m a medical marvel. I come from a long line of ass-less men and women. Perhaps our family should be studied.

It’s a daily struggle

Sustained sitting on an uncomfortable chair has the unfortunate side affect of giving me unwanted bumhole tickles. I am, after all, sitting directly on my asshole.

Airplane seats are the worst. I frequently get off a long flight with an aching ass and a raging hard on. It isn’t practical.

Every Sunday I listen to my pastor in church, and I can barely concentrate on a word he says. All I can think while sitting on those hard wooden pews is “good Lord my ass hurts.”

Aside from the pain, there’s the issue of my trousers falling down. It’s a real problem. I think this is an oft overlooked benefit of a good, beefy ass, which acts as a doorstop for your pants.

I take a few steps up some stairs and the buggers are around my ankles. If I’m out in public and have things in my hands, my trousers take that as permission to fly down.

As someone who believes underpants are an abomination, this is particularly problematic.

“Just belt a damn belt on,” my wife will say, seeing me hobble in to the kitchen with my knees splayed in a hopeless attempt to keep my slipping trousers from falling to my feet.

But belts are uncomfortable, and I don’t like to add obstacles in front of urgent needs like urination or defecation. Fumbling with a belt buckle could be the difference maker between just making it, and shitting my pants. I have a high fibre diet you see.

What I’m doing about it

I’m watching a lot of those workout videos with the women in tight pants with their big asses. I enjoy them for a number of reasons, but what’s particularly useful are the glute workouts, which I’ve been following along with every other day.

Building mass on my ass doesn’t end when the workout is done though. I’m also fitting in extra, sneaky glute work between. Taking the dog for a walk down the beach is a perfect opportunity for a couple deep squats while I bend to pick up a stick to throw.

When my wife comes home and asks me to help get the shopping out the back of the car, I treat it as a bonus deadlift session, knocking out a quick set of 10 reps before the ice cream melts.

I’ve also purchased some Bootius Maximus pills from the internet:

I opted for the Maximum Strength version, because I want more booty than a pirate. The boost to my estrogen is a concern, but honestly, that’s a trade off I’m willing to make.

And I’ve started wearing tighter pants and stuffing the rear with tissues, again for confidence reasons. When I catch my reflection in a mirror I can’t help but give my tushie a little slap. My wife says they’re too revealing at the front, in the crotch area, but that’s not the end I’m looking at.

Hopefully one day I’ll be able to live a normal life. If this regime doesn’t work, there is, of course, always the option of ass implants. I hear they’re popular these days.

Wrapping it up

I sat down while writing this article and now I’m in agony, so I’ll have to skip today’s workout.

I’m still going to watch the workout video though, for research purposes.

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