avatarAmy Sea

Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

2263

Abstract

ized by people who know what you look like and who love it.</p><p id="e74e">Men, who like to rest in the floppy thick arms of a good woman, will nestle in your sweaty pits while you admire their Santa belly. A diehard romantic, who likes to watch an ass jiggle while they walk behind it, will find that ass. Lovers who like to rub cocoa butter on some beautiful stretch marks, welcome aboard.</p><p id="c839">Membership to my shapewear comes with a big golden button that tells other members you’re one of them. The golden button lets the world know <i>I’m wearing Amy Sea’s Shapewear! I’m As-is, motherfucker.</i></p><p id="453b">When your own golden button senses another golden button, it lights up. One golden button will be made positive and the other golden button will be made negative — drawing you nearer to your compatible algorithm. So fuck you <i>OkCupid</i>, <i>Hinge</i>, <i>It’s Just Lunch,</i> and <i>Tinder. </i>My<i> s</i>hapewear is for people who enjoy a body that prefers a BBQ to a Peleton.</p><p id="b03f">You like to rub your flat ass against a jelly belly? It’s in your algorithm. You like some bony hipbones to grind against you while you’re making out? It’s in there. You like a wide bunioned foot to satisfy your fetish? Greetings and salutations, footsie.</p><p id="96df">Stop being disappointed by yourself and others' physical imperfections. We’re all flappy floppy fleshy flawed fuckers. Join now. I’m not only an Amy Sea’s shapewear inventor. I’m an Amy Sea shapewear member. Ding dong. I’m over here.</p><p id="cd88">Thanks, Andrew Rodwin for helping me stay Vintage and keeping my question marks in line.</p><p id="9d6d">Would you rather be laughing? Follow<a href="https://medium.com/muddyum"> MuddyUm</a> and <a href="https://aculberg007.medium.com/">Amy Sea</a>.</p><div id="274a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://aculberg007.medium.com/subscribe"> <div> <div> <h2>Get an email whenever Amy Sea publishes.</h2> <div><h3>Get an email whenever Amy Sea publishes. If you want to laugh or read about breasts, I'm your writer! By signing up…</h3></div> <div><p>aculberg007.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div>

Options

     <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*XW2HQfkkz5devhrp)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><div id="8649" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-drank-so-much-water-i-looked-like-jlo-but-then-i-peed-and-looked-like-me-3cdab52f4e36">
        <div>
          <div>
            <h2>If You Want to Be Beautiful, Don’t Pee</h2>
            <div><h3>I drank so much water I looked like JLo, but then I peed and looked like me</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
          </div>
          <div>
            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*E-RS6TVl6DaLjE1Ikjo1tA.png)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><div id="9216" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/google-and-i-had-the-worst-fight-today-6e8372f1bfc0">
        <div>
          <div>
            <h2>Google and I Had the Worst Fight Today</h2>
            <div><h3>Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
          </div>
          <div>
            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*nzn3fFsH9fq72QGVXYRLFA.png)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><div id="aa59" class="link-block">
      <a href="https://readmedium.com/hiring-therapists-at-drive-thru-starbucks-windows-4321b5509f6">
        <div>
          <div>
            <h2>Hiring — Therapists at Drive-Thru Starbucks Windows</h2>
            <div><h3>The line! Did you see the line?</h3></div>
            <div><p>medium.com</p></div>
          </div>
          <div>
            <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*drq8V6C0lRBoeMtgiUUTBg.png)"></div>
          </div>
        </div>
      </a>
    </div><figure id="5afb"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*BRhVlFgtMfPRIGoaA0zXwg.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure></article></body>

MUSHED, PROPPED UP, AND RECONFIGURED

Yes, These Breasts are Real

Shapewear reinvented by Amy Sea

Wordpress altered by Canva

Every day, some ad’s trying to sell me shapewear. What’s wrong with my shape? Am I too square? Too round? Too tetrahedrony? These ding-dong advertisers promise to stuff my fluffy flesh into some corsetted overzealous nylon shapeshifting shit. Their sole business model revolves around pushing up my ass, yanking up my tits, and mashing down my belly.

I say, keep your body squishers to yourself. You can take your shapewear, shove it through your blow hole and suffocate your own intestines. I’m playing it loose and flabby.

After years of getting stabbed by underwires, bruised and beaten by Spanx, I have invented my own shapewear. It’s scientifically proven to make you less constipated because you’re not jamming your waste back inside.

You can wear my shapewear with a muumuu or a leotard. No rules. My shapewear maintains its integrity while you gorge out on Chicago-style stuffed pizza, inhale every flavor of Ben and Jerry’s, and spoon feed yourself Cool Whip from a bathtub. Life is for people who can sit on the kitchen floor and eat cookie dough out of a mixing bowl with a spatula.

Based on the As-is model from sale racks and the Goodwill, my shapewear collection is guaranteed to allow your belly to freely hang over any style of pantaloons. It’s remarkably comfortable and possesses dual functionality. Your breasts will happily lay upon your belly while they moonlight as a pencil case. Your ass will be as flat or voluminous as God made it.

With my shapewear, you be you. Never will you be accused of misrepresenting your tits, ass, or tummy. Never can a one-night stand say, I thought your ass was higher or lady, you got some saggy titties. Finally, you will be recognized by people who know what you look like and who love it.

Men, who like to rest in the floppy thick arms of a good woman, will nestle in your sweaty pits while you admire their Santa belly. A diehard romantic, who likes to watch an ass jiggle while they walk behind it, will find that ass. Lovers who like to rub cocoa butter on some beautiful stretch marks, welcome aboard.

Membership to my shapewear comes with a big golden button that tells other members you’re one of them. The golden button lets the world know I’m wearing Amy Sea’s Shapewear! I’m As-is, motherfucker.

When your own golden button senses another golden button, it lights up. One golden button will be made positive and the other golden button will be made negative — drawing you nearer to your compatible algorithm. So fuck you OkCupid, Hinge, It’s Just Lunch, and Tinder. My shapewear is for people who enjoy a body that prefers a BBQ to a Peleton.

You like to rub your flat ass against a jelly belly? It’s in your algorithm. You like some bony hipbones to grind against you while you’re making out? It’s in there. You like a wide bunioned foot to satisfy your fetish? Greetings and salutations, footsie.

Stop being disappointed by yourself and others' physical imperfections. We’re all flappy floppy fleshy flawed fuckers. Join now. I’m not only an Amy Sea’s shapewear inventor. I’m an Amy Sea shapewear member. Ding dong. I’m over here.

Thanks, Andrew Rodwin for helping me stay Vintage and keeping my question marks in line.

Would you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Amy Sea.

Humor
Satire
Body Image
Feminism
Funny Girl
Recommended from ReadMedium