I’m Not Missing Real Life, I’m Missing the Possibility of It

Stuck in our homes with no idea when the quarantine will be lifted, it is hard to know how to keep dreaming.

We’ve been in lockdown (this term always sounds like some futuristic spy movie or else a prison show to me) for anywhere from three weeks to over a month. For those of us who have taken the quarantine seriously, this means not leaving at all except for perhaps rare excursions for groceries or prescriptions after which we scurry back to the safety of our homes. If you actually came down with the virus as I did, this meant that you literally weren’t able to make it outside even if you wanted to because you felt so rotten, and hopefully, because of concern you’d give it to others.

Everything is different now. Businesses are closed, schools are on hiatus for the rest of the year, and everything we took for granted like running simple errands or going to a movie with friends are now things of the past. The highlight of my day is taking out the garbage which prompts me to go on a quick walk around the block, my face wrapped by a grey scarf.

Even with the face covering, I skirt people going way up on the grass or into the middle of the street as if they might be ax murders, keeping my eyes down and my face turned away from them. Even this contributes to the sense that I am alone in a world with few people and no connections among them.

I admit, though I’ve largely gotten better, with a few bumps and reversals along the way, and should be ecstatic, I can’t say that I am exactly. I read stories written by others who have recovered from the virus and they sound like they just won the lottery and are on their way to Disney World.

I get up from the same bed, get dressed in leggings and a t-shirt, walk the few steps into the sunroom and sit on the uncomfortable piece of furniture I inherited from neighbors. I pick up my computer and think of something to write, well, something I think of something to write. Sometimes my mood is too low or I’m too irritable to stick it out and I get upset and storm back into the bedroom, grab my phone and play games or watch Netflix for a couple of hours.

Admittedly, I have been confused as to my reaction. I’m an introvert and while I know that I need social interaction and enjoy it, I have never had problems coming up with something to do when on my own, even for long periods. I have the internet, a chest full of crafting supplies I have no interest in, books I haven’t wanted to read in a long time, much longer than this pandemic, and plenty of things to look for online, especially those of a money-making variety.

But more often than not, I find myself now waking up in a bad mood, or if not, the mood hits as soon as I try to write something and it doesn’t come. This is different from regular writer’s block. It is the complete lack of motivation to write, or even more, it’s the complete lack of the desire to have the motivation to write. When I write something and publish it, this feels more like a fulfillment of one of that day’s chores, and not like I am building something, or learning new skills, or laying the groundwork for a writing career, as it once did.

This morning I had an epiphany. It was one of those days when I woke up in a bad mood and had no real push to even get out of bed. Had I not needed to make coffee, I may not have, at least not for a while.

I started thinking about the changes that had occurred since the start of this whole mess. I get nostalgic about all the opportunities once out there that I’m missing now, even something as small as going to the local coffee shop where I can connect with others, weekly writing groups, and attending special events downtown. Even though these things weren’t exactly white water rafting down the Nile.

Realization

And suddenly I realized something. It’s not all of the things I did before that I’m missing. The truth is I didn’t really do all that much even then. But there was always the possibility of doing amazing things, taking advantage of all the opportunities that were available, finding a way to reinvent myself that was lucrative enough to live the good life. There was potential everywhere.

It’s the active wanting of something and the possibility, no matter how small, that keeps us content. When we are in a situation where we feel we are just treading water, waiting for something to be over and real life to start up again, it becomes very difficult to maintain a sense of wonder in the world. When it seems like we suddenly have no access to whatever it is that will help us achieve goals or long term dreams, even if we weren’t truly actively pursuing them before, there was always the chance to do so.

If there is anything this situation has taught me, it’s that waiting for your life to begin while dreaming of a different reality isn’t enough. It’s great to imagine how life could be different. But if we really want it to ever become anything other than a daydream we have to go after it.

So while the first part of my realization was interesting, it’s more the second part that has me trying to figure out how to kick things into gear. That is the part of taking potential and working towards making it actual. I’m not sure yet exactly what that might look like though I have started exploring some projects like a podcast that I’ve given thought to off and on but never really thought I’d take on.

I’ve considered looking for free classes that might provide some kind of certification that would help me get additional work or make me look like more of an authority. I have probably a dozen books now at different degrees of completion that I pretty much gave up on after the poetry book I published at the end of last year received zero attention despite a month of promoting and marketing it. Whatever I do, I realize it’s time to push the envelope and stop remaining complacent where I am with nothing more than daydreams to live for.

This is a lesson that applies to after pandemic life as well. It may seem easy to go back to the way things were once there is a vaccine and no further concern that people will get the virus. Often when there is a crisis, we make all sorts of promises to ourselves about how we will change and make our lives into what we want them to be. But when the moment comes, we go back to being the people we were before the crisis.

Look for Opportunities

I think we need to look for the opportunities that we can take advantage of right now, even in the middle of this health crisis. What do we really want for our lives and what real steps can we take while still in this situation?

I’m not sure what I will come up with for myself but there are a few ideas that I’ve been rolling around in my head for several years now which I take out and dust off every so often but don’t do much more than that. I’ll let you know when I decide what goal I’ll focus on right now and what steps I’ll take to start making headway towards accomplishing it.

What goals can you set to keep yourself invested in your life and excited to get up every morning? If you’d like, make a resolution here in the comments to have a sense of accountability to help motivate you to take the first steps. We’ll urge you on and applaud your progress!

Natalie Frank has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and often writes about how to cope with adversity to create a more satisfying and successful life. She is an editor for The Partnered Pen & One Table, One World and is Editor in Chief for Promposity & Mental Gecko, both of which she created. She is also the Managing Editor for Novellas and Serials at LVP Publications. Her collection of poetry, Disguised I Breathe, In Love I Hold, can be found here on Amazon.

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