I’m Not Feeling Productive Today

It’s OK to Take Breaks Sometimes

These past several months have been a constant whirlwind, where a large amount of self-discipline was needed for each and every day. From the lay-offs at work to the continued dedication of my studies, perhaps the long-term fruits of my labours may eventually pay off.

For now, I wait, work, volunteer, and study to preoccupy my mind away from the stressors of the world.

Whether it was our daily homework tasks to the overarching group projects, I never once stopped to take a real break.

Sure, I paced myself, watched a good show or two, and then moved on, but what I mean is a real break, the kind where you go on vacation, visit a far-flung island, lose yourself in the crowd, and forget about the troubles of the world.

I mean that kind of break.

I graduated high school many years ago, jumped head-first into undergrad, and volunteered for at least a million different programs. I hustled on the side, mostly on campus, across a variety of different roles across many departments.

It was fancy and prestigious sounding, but it didn’t quite pay the bills. I would have been better off working a proper full-time job for financial stability. I was blessed with a supportive family to fall back on in case things headed south, but I suppose that could be a story for another day.

Then, graduate school happened. I was sorely underestimated by others, for a myriad of reasons that I refuse to fully flesh out, as I have yet to process the trauma and vitriol I experienced at the time.

I hustled, continued my side gigs on campus, volunteered some more. It was getting crazy, but I’m guessing my time management skills were super amazing back then.

Then, I did the unthinkable — I opened myself to some lucrative corporate opportunities after graduating. The doors that I wanted opening, my preferred field, refused to budge. Instead, the business world adopted me and wanted my research-oriented skills instead.

I didn’t mind it at first.

I even did some allied post-graduate training for its sought after core competencies, like in areas like organizational development and human resources.

It didn’t matter that I had already put in a lot of intellectual, emotional, and physical labour, my prior experiences were sometimes discounted and stepped on.

However, I somehow hustled and I managed to make things work, inch by inch, climbing through various jagged mountains. In some instances, my otherness, such as my different theoretical approach, allowed me to thrive for a bit while.

For example, instead of being purely business-savvy, I would easily pull the evidence-based research card to validate positive employee engagement, which technically saved some peoples’ sanity, especially when managers were less than empathetic.

My personality wasn’t allowed to be shown, as I quickly found out. It was forbidden, I was told. I had to act like a robot and work in some tiny cubicles. Sometimes, there were no windows. The pay was good and for the first time, I understood the world like most of my peers did.

When I first studied, a lot of my peers had grand plans of going one direction, but ultimately landed on something else. Even when we know what we want, we find ourselves doing something completely different.

Many were unhappy with the results of their choices, and I almost looked like I was heading in that direction as well. Then, I did something insane.

I went to graduate school again.

The other school was quick to gobble me up and quickly acknowledged my prior accomplishments, both inside and outside of school as a reason for accepting me.

I never looked at myself in this way. I was used to people invalidating me like there was no tomorrow, even when I knew better. I’m also generally humble, so I’m not a big fan of flexing the academia card.

I’m just simply a kind-hearted and young female who likes being friendly, is imaginative, enjoys hugs, doodles, and writes a lot.

From a young age, I always knew what I wanted in life: I wanted to help people. From a young age, I wanted to help others be the best version they could be. If that means making them feel better, then that’s what little me did.

This fascination never weaned off, even when working in the corporate world.

After so many years, I’m getting closer to my desired long-term goal. As I’m getting closer, I’m doing my best to fight off the urge to do nothing, especially as we approach the holidays.

Today, I almost lost my motivation to do the tasks I set out to do. However, I had to remind myself: I somehow scraped by even under messed up circumstances. It’s a miracle that I was able to work so hard this past handful of years, despite all the mountains I had to climb.

As for tonight, I’m going to go with the flow. Perhaps tomorrow will be a different day, one where I will feel refreshed to keep on going, just like I usually do.

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