I’m Making The Leap Into Working For Myself

Why I wish I had done it sooner

God, or whoever, are you listening? It’s me, Camille- and if you’re trying to tell me that I should work for myself, I’m here to tell you I’m finally ready to listen.

My most successful stories this year have been about sudden change. A-ha moments. People love that s**t. I, on the other hand, have had it up to here with my a-ha moments.

Realizing that what you actually want is not what you are currently doing comes with, at least for me, the massive fear of disappointing other people.

You can get this fear of disappointing others for free, too, if you change your life on a dime today! Or if you live with anxiety, like me, you may get it for no reason at all.

I said to my boyfriend the other day, “ I thought I was done with all that personal growth stuff.”

Ha.

If you haven’t been following my saga, it goes something like this.

How Did We Get Here?

This time last year, I decided not to go to medical school. This had been a dream of mine for years, and one I came very close to achieving. It was hard to walk away from, but I knew I was making the right decision.

Around that time, I joined Medium and started writing. I loved sharing my voice with others. I also became a yoga teacher around that time.

I decided my next venture after med school(almost) would be an AmeriCorps year. I framed the thankless work AmeriCorps members do as an “in-between” year for me.

This would be a glorious time of rejuvenation that would allow me to explore new interests and figure out what I *really* wanted to do.

I was wayyyy off on that one.

In February, I stepped out of my AmeriCorps year early, burned out beyond all rational thinking, drained of any desire to push through.

I applied for a few jobs, expecting nothing to pan out, and lo and behold, got a job at LabCorps, no less than 2 weeks later.

Everyone is nice. The work environment isn’t toxic. The pay is decent for my age and experience level if you overlook the fact I have a degree. It is, generally speaking, enough.

Except it’s not.

I spend 45 hours of my week at work, not including my commute. 5 of those hours are at lunch, but I’m still in my car staring at the same buildings, day after day.

I haven’t learned to do anything that requires my Biology-specific skill set. I’m bored, and I miss my freedom.

I don’t think I’m burned out again solely on this job. I think I never gave myself the chance to explore what a career that had me in charge of it might look like.

Not after 5 years of intensive schooling. Not after AmeriCorps.

I feel shame that I can’t honor my commitment to work. I feel shame that it took me this long to show up for myself in the ways that I need. I feel shame for trying such a “non-practical” career while others in the world suck it up and go to work every day.

I feel exhausted, in body, mind, and spirit. Getting out of bed is tough in the mornings. Stress headaches are familiar friends now. I don’t rest well anymore.

I want to be fired from my job so that I can finally be free.

Free to teach yoga. Guide meditation. Write. Set up several income streams. Build my professional life to serve me well.

Free to not have to delicately orchestrate my exit from this job so as not to offend anybody in the professional world.

I know this will be frustrating and exhausting as well.

I want a career that will be frustrating on my terms. Exhausting on my terms. Rewarding on my terms.

It took a lot, but I’m ready now. Ready for the terrifying prospect of trying to make a living wage entirely on my own. Right now, anything seems better than trying to find another job that demands too much and gives too little.

Final Thoughts+ Takeaways

I may have gone down some rabbit holes on the Internet in the past few days- think “ how quickly can you leave a contract job” and “ what do I do if I’m miserable at my job” etc.

You get the gist.

There is a lot of advice for how to stomach a job you are miserable at. It’s frankly concerning. Gig economy and freelancing have taken off during the pandemic, and I don’t see why they shouldn’t continue to, or why working for yourself should be such a radical notion.

Is it radical because we live in a country that won’t give us access to free healthcare, so we have to work 40 hours a week at a job we don’t like to get a semblance of decent healthcare?

I have to imagine there are 3 types of people in this world:

• People that genuinely like their jobs, or aren’t miserable enough to leave.
• People that want to try it on their own, but feel like they could never succeed.
• People that do try to make it on their own.

Let me be far from the first to say if you’ve ever given working for yourself a thought, try it. Just give it a shot. If you fail, go back to work. If you try, you’ve already succeeded.

Wrap Up

I’m pursuing happiness, and my question to my readers is: what makes you happy? Where have you flopped, soared and questioned yourself in the pursuit of happiness?

Let me know in the comments!

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