I’m Going Through My 2nd Dark Night of The Soul
It’s extremely painful, but I know I needed this
Three years ago, I went through my first dark night of the soul.
At the time, I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that my sense of self was suddenly changing, like a ship adrift in a sea of uncertainty. It was as if life had hit the reset button, and I was left grappling with questions that had no easy answers.
All of a sudden, I didn’t resonate with most of my friendships. I was becoming aware of some family dynamics that were not healthy. And, most importantly, I was becoming aware of my own dysfunctional patterns and protection mechanisms.
It took me more than a year to recover, but I was very proud of myself when I finally did.
Little did I know I’d have to embark on that journey again.
What’s The Dark Night of The Soul?
The dark night of the soul refers to a profound and painful period of spiritual or personal crisis, characterized by feelings of emptiness, despair, and a sense of being disconnected from our usual sense of purpose, meaning, or connection to the divine (whatever that means to you).
The term was first coined in a poem by Saint John of the Cross, a 16th-century Spanish mystic and poet. This phenomenon, within the Buddhist tradition, is sometimes referred to as “falling into the pit of the void.”
The dark night is often described as a deep inner struggle, a sense of spiritual desolation, or a feeling of being lost in the darkness. In this process, that old part of us starts to fall apart. We start questioning things — our relationships, our goals, even what we believed before. It’s like life is saying, “You’ve outgrown this.”
It can feel unsettling, but within this confusion lies a sense of liberation. The discomfort we’re experiencing is actually a sign that something profound is happening within us — a signal of growth.
Think of a seed breaking open to push forth a new sprout. The shell cracks, and in that moment of vulnerability, growth begins. Our own discomfort is like that crack — a necessary opening that allows us to expand beyond our previous limitations.
In this process, that old part of us starts to fall apart. We start questioning things — our relationships, our goals, even what we believed before. It’s like life is saying, “You’ve outgrown this.”
The Dark Night of The Soul Teaches Us How Insidious Our Ego Can Be
The dark night of the soul forces us to come face to face with one of the most intricate and enigmatic aspects of our psyche — the ego.
The ego is like an invisible force that exerts a profound influence over our thoughts, emotions, and actions. It’s a persistent narrator in the back of our minds, constantly commenting on our experiences and shaping our sense of self.
Most importantly, the ego loves to create stories about who we are, what we’re capable of, and how we should relate to the world around us. It’s the driving force behind our desires, our fears, and our need for validation.
However, the dark night acts as a revealing mirror, reflecting the ego’s true nature in stark clarity.
As we journey through this period of inner turmoil and growth, we begin to see the ego for what it truly is. We realize it is not an objective observer — instead, it’s colored by our past experiences, societal conditioning, and the narratives we’ve internalized over time.
The dark night peels away the layers of our ego-driven identity, revealing its tactics of self-preservation and resistance to change. We see how it clings to old patterns, how it craves control and certainty, and how it plays on our fears and insecurities.
In the midst of this revelation, we gain a unique vantage point.
We start to observe the ego’s manipulations and question its narratives. We start to challenge the stories that undermine our confidence, limit our aspirations, and keep us from embracing change.
And then, we realize that we don’t have to be at the mercy of its whims.
The ego loves to create stories about who we are, what we’re capable of, and how we should relate to the world around us. It’s the driving force behind our desires, our fears, and our need for validation.
Why I Needed A 2nd Dark Night
My first experience with the dark night of the soul felt like I was suddenly dropped into a deep, painful, mysterious place.
My interests changed drastically. I drifted away from many of my friends because we didn’t connect like we used to. And my family relationships got complicated because I was changing and setting healthy boundaries for the first time in my life.
This phase lasted about a year, and it was really hard. I felt completely abandoned by the Universe.
What made it even more challenging was that, before all of this, I used to feel this incredible sense of support from something greater than myself. I felt like there was this invisible hand that had my back, that things were falling into place for a reason. But during this time, that sense of support flipped on its head. It was like the universe had turned its back on me.
After that intense phase, life calmed down for a couple of years. But deep inside, I knew something was missing. The lessons from my first dark night stayed with me, reminding me that I needed more change to really be happy.
Even though I had figured out some of my ego’s tricks during the first dark night, I’ve realized my ego was pretty clever — it found new ways to hold onto control during the past two years.
This time around, it was more subtle. It would present logical-sounding explanations for why I should stick to my old ways, even if deep down I knew they weren’t serving me. It knew just how to create a sense of familiarity, even if that meant staying in situations that weren’t fulfilling.
Honestly, the past few months have felt like playing a game of chess against a skilled opponent. Every move I make, my ego is right there, ready to counter with a cunning and calculated response.
It knows how to distract me with minor concerns to divert my attention from the deeper work of transformation. And it’s a master at luring me back into my comfort zone, making change seem daunting and undesirable.
But realizing and acknowledging these fresh tactics was a crucial turning point. It opened my eyes to the fact that personal and spiritual growth is not a one-time achievement, but an ongoing journey. Just when I thought I had a good grasp on my ego’s strategies, it unveiled a whole new set of tricks that I hadn’t seen coming.
This realization has been both humbling and empowering. It’s like embarking on a never-ending adventure where you’re continuously exploring uncharted territory within yourself. It’s a reminder that growth is not a linear path — it’s more like a spiral staircase, where you keep circling back to familiar themes but at a deeper level each time.
The past few months have felt like playing a game of chess against a skilled opponent. Every move I make, my ego is right there, ready to counter with a cunning and calculated response.
The dark night of the soul emerges as the ego grapples with its own survival.
As we change and grow, our egos change too. They learn new tricks to control us and new stories to make us scared of changing things up. However, I don’t think the aim should be to get rid of the ego altogether — I think the goal should be to see it for what it is.
Our egos aren’t bad — they help us survive and navigate the world. The trouble starts when we get too attached to its fears and insecurities.
So, if you’re going through this process, remember — it’s a sign you’re growing. Embracing the dance between your evolving ego and your authentic self is a mark of your journey toward a deeper understanding of who you are and your place in the world.
As you continue to witness and navigate the shifts within you, you’re not just peeling back layers; you’re revealing the masterpiece of your own evolution.
