I’m Filing a Divorce from Perfection

The dissolution of negative thoughts & the dethronement of the perfection queen

Perfection is defined as “the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.” — Oxford Languages

I grew up in a time and school environment where asking questions was a sign of weakness. You should understand what is expected. Children are to be seen, not heard. Don’t ask questions. Don’t cause any issues. Do as you were told.

The dreams of being a writer and editor filled my diaries. When I was 18, I left home to attend college. I was an editor for the college newspaper, a writing tutor, and a full-time student. Midway through my sophomore year, my world fell apart. Everything I wanted to do overwhelmed me. Anxiety took over like a virus and I self-imploded.

I fled college and moved back home with my mother. She was never hard on me. I still remember the lightbulb moment when she asked me, “Why are you so hard on yourself.” I didn’t have an answer. The expectations I placed onto myself were just that, placed by me. I saw other students doing it all just fine. Why couldn’t I? My brain connected the dots to therefore something was wrong with me, and therefore I shouldn’t be doing this. Dot to dot to don’t.

In my 30s, I became a mother. The day I brought home my oldest, I was running on no sleep. As my husband handled bringing everything in from our van, I went to the baby nursery and sat in my rocking chair, holding my son. I looked down at him with tears dripping down my face, because I did not know what I was doing.

It was through parenting that I shed my self-imposed idea of perfection. I told my children that there was no such thing as perfection, it’s about doing your best. We learn through mistakes. It was in those moments when the perfection queen become dethroned in my head.

Once in a while, that perfection queen tries to retake her throne as I chase after my dreams again of being a writer and editor full time. The difference now is I understand that fear is not real. When those negative thoughts slip through, I fight back by writing in my journals.

Each morning I freewrite the insecurities floating inside my head. This act of writing them out dissolves their power. After I freewrite I write realistic goals for the day. Setting realistic daily and weekly goals is the action to counteract the negative thoughts. Don’t think, just do! Instead of stewing in my negative thoughts, I race in action towards the fear. If it works for superheroes, it can work for us.

Because of this action, I find comfort in the unknown. I understand it is not the dark, spider-infested attic I’ve envisioned. I do what I can each day to inch towards my dreams, understanding there is no end destination. It’s the joy of the open road of endless possibilities. Consult a map from time to time but be open to the roads less traveled. Or better yet, create your own path, which is my definition of freedom.

This article is inspired by the July prompt by Camille Grady at Gentleness Ambassadors.