Humor
I’m David The Most Beautiful Man In The World
Michelangelo’s masterpiece reveals all
If you haven’t seen me in a while it’s all because of the lockdown, of course. Well, I must say I enjoyed the rest. No tourists gawking at me and nudging each other to look at my private parts. We are now about to reopen.
Michelangelo did fantastic work on my body, I must say. Well, he worked on me for three years. Great job!
I was finally born in 1504. I have been in this museum, the Galleria dell Accademia in Florence since 1873. But my childhood was spent in the open in the Piazza Della Signoria in front of Palazzo Vecchio. Scorching hot summers were no joke and neither were the freezing winters there.
I was a bit traumatized by all this and had to have therapy for PTSD. My health was at risk so the doctors said I should be moved inside in 1873. You would never think I was a delicate kid but I was. I had pneumonia twice.
Don’t even mention the replica which has now been in the square since 1910. Everybody can see it’s a poor imitation of me.
Here are some facts about my life (no need for Twitter to label this with a fact check) as you have it from the statue’s mouth.
1. I work out every day after the museum closes. I retire to a secret room where all my bodybuilding stuff is. The museum installed leg, shoulder, and chest press machines. I really like the triceps extension bar. You must have noticed the results.
2. I am 17 feet tall and I weigh 12,000 pounds. I have done a great job in maintaining this weight for 516 years and I have a perfect BMI (as I am sure you have observed.)
3. I was sculpted from a piece of unwanted marble so I am the perfect example of ecological recycling. Michelangelo was way ahead of his time.
4. Yes, I am circumcised. I knew you would ask sooner or later. Despite appearances, I was cut according to the Hebrew “little millah” which was in vogue at the time. Just a snip. No, size does not matter. I told you I am completely authentic.
5. Yes, it is a representation of me before I polished off Goliath. It shows me ready for a fight and yes, I know I am left-handed but it works. I bet you noticed the slingshot is hardly visible. That is because the warrior being alert, strong, and courageous is what counts, not the weapon.
I am a little worried about the reopening. Apparently, they are going to have a one- way system and not more than 50 people will be allowed in at a time.
That is good because really, I do not want to be showered with their virus droplets. Maybe I should wear a mask too?
However, I have just heard that all visitors will be given a free app called “The Right Distance” so that if they get too close to each other, this app will buzz. If they get too close to me how am I going to cope with all that noise?
The other day, they were dusting me down to get me spic and span for the opening. Nothing wrong with that except the gal who was dusting poked me in the balls with her duster. Now that really was painful. It was accidental of course and she even said:-
“Oops I’m so sorry, my hand slipped!”
Still hurts like hell down there.
The museum is offering a price reduction as well. Now that is really humiliating. I mean, I am the most famous statue in the world. I feel kinda like a discounted item at Walmart, ya know, sort of.
In spite of all the distractions of low prices, apps, and distance regulations, I hope you can all concentrate on admiring my wonderful body.
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