I’m at the One-Year Mark of Having Accepted Myself. Here Are Thoughts & Experiences I’ve Had Over That Time.

It’s been one year since I played an Enya song early in the morning after staying up all but about two-and-a-half hours overnight. (And I put that one song on loop for 75–80% of that day in its entirety.) I was up because that night, I finally accepted myself. And when I did so, I immediately knew life would forever change.

But I’ve been surprised, because it hasn’t just changed. It has bigly changed.

I have a different type of body, in more than one way. (It’s not just because I got the scars pictured after falling into a ditch, the night I lost my housing.)

Also, I live in a different state. My realization of my gender has compelled me to vocalize it, to myself. Relationships I’ve had with family members and good friends are different or have ended.

Professional impact

Having gender dysphoria resulted in a major loss of momentum of the business I’ve had. Gross business income in calendar year 2022 was one-third what it was in calendar year 2021.

After coming out professionally, client retention has been zero.

And correspondence with potential clients about work they need done has been far less than before.

All this despite having a perfect Job Success Score on the platform where I find work. After 113 contracts.

I’ve also struggled psychologically and emotionally given rejection by a sibling and my parents.

And other personal factors were negatively impacted by me accepting myself.

How I feel about being transgender

I don’t want to be transgender. It is just who I am convinced forces of nature and spirituality told me I am. Thus, I want to live it out.

And I don’t know if I couldn’t.

One time, I was walking to an emergency room. I did so due to constipation resulting from being on hormone replacement therapy. I looked up and said, “Why do I have to be trans?” Others were while I was having to be in incontinence diapers due to the hormones. Another time was last week.

While driving between March and June, I said to myself, several times, “I’m trans?!” or “I’m trans; wow.”

I moved from rural Utah to Los Angeles in March after my parents rejected me and communication between siblings ceased.

And other personal factors were negatively impacted by me accepting myself.

My health

After accepting myself, I had 319 anxiety experiences or panic attacks. With another two preceding my acceptance. On each occasion, I felt separate from my body. (Yes, I tracked that shit.)

That makes sense since I’m a woman in a man’s body.

And, taking hormones made it so I no longer had those anxiety experiences or panic attacks.

In quick time — I haven’t had one since Jan. 1. I started taking half the amount of hormones I could have on Nov. 28. (I thought I was taking the full amount.) I started taking the full amount I could have on Dec. 29.

I indeed have gender dysphoria. As some people have the cold, others have heart disease and others had COVID-19. So you address the sickness. For me, that means hormones and surgery. (I’ve been on hormones for 10.5 months and am fresh from having gotten gender-affirming breast surgery.)

Also, every traditional female thing I have done has made me really happy. (I may have done everything but cook seriously, which I want to try.) And being referred to in female pronouns brings me abundant joy.

Joy that hasn’t been short of anything except for other personal matters. (e.g., personal matters regarding my family.)

Since accepting myself, I’ve had more clarity internally, too.

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