I’m a Big Shot Success And Here Is Why You Suck

#9: If you try to succeed I will strike you down with my superior command of the algorithm

1. You don’t proofread your work

Is your content interesting, well researched and entertaining? Sure. But sometimes you mistype and allow one or two spelling mistakes every 4000 words to slip through unnoticed, and frankly, that is unforgivable. Get the fuck off my platform.

I could be reading your story and having a great time, but if I see a slight grammatical error I’ll immediately stop reading and use you as the basis of my next story about why new writers, like you, suck. Be warned. I might even use a screenshot of your story as my title photo, just to publicly shame you.

2. You don’t put in the work

And it shows. When I first started, I knew it would be a long road to success. That’s why I went on a journey of personal growth by taking a four month pilgrimage up the Himalayas. I kept writing while up there. The sherpas carried my equipment. When I reached the top I met a wise old man sat upon a rock. He had 60k Medium followers and he told me all the steps necessary to succeed.

If you aren’t prepared to do the same, then you don’t want it bad enough.

3. You worry too much about money

I don’t know what this obsession is among new writers about money. I know I post regularly about my earnings, but that’s because I’m making lots of it and want to be an inspiration. Obviously. No other reason.

Unless you’re earning $10,000 a month off the platform like me, just shut the hell up and be happy with your pennies. No one cares your viral article earned enough for you to keep your house.

4. Your writing sucks

Get better. I’m not going to tell you how. You have to sign up to my newsletter and pay me $10 a month for that.

5. You choose terrible images for your articles

I did this too when I first started. Back then I didn’t know any better, but you should. New writers have this bizarre idea in their heads that this is a reading platform. Who told you that?

6. You try to make it work as a side hustle

If you want to be a successful writer, you need to do this full time: 15 hours a day, 365 days a year. Anything less and it’s your own fault you fail. Quit your job if you need to. Neglect your family. That’s what I did. I said to my boss: “You can take this $200,000 a year job in marketing and re-list it on a job board. I quit.”

Then I went on that trip I mentioned to the Himalayas. It’s really that easy.

7. You don’t use all the tools at your disposal

Bells and whistles. Smoke and mirrors. No one cares about substance. It’s all about style. I’m talking headings, subheadings,

whatever the hell this is

and this absolute nonesense.

Confuse your readers with formatting. Sprinkle it through your stories like you sprinkle bacon bits on your salad.

And don’t forget all those in text links. A good article should be at least 99% hyperlinks. Preferably, every single word should be underlined. This story is an exception because I’m trying to prove a point.

8. Because I said so.

Probably the most important reason why you suck. You see, my name around here, it’s like gold. So when I say you suck, you better believe you suck. Years ago I called up Ev personally and had him write in to the code that if anyone writes anything negative about me they’ll get a lifetime ban from Medium. He dropped everything he was doing and did it right away.

Anything I say on here is gospel. Literally. I hear they’re building a Church for me somewhere in Wisconsin and are speaking my stories from the pulpit. To question me is to blaspheme. To doubt my ways is to suffer an eternity of poor curation rates.

9. You think quality is more important than quantity

If you try to succeed I will strike you down with my superior command of the algorithm. It doesn’t matter how many hours you spent crafting the perfect article, it will still die under the flood of my own chain-posting. I’m like a machine at this point. Deus ex machina. I tried to outsource my writing to a lab of 1000 monkeys but they just slowed me down. Every thought, every dream, every opinion, every anecdote, becomes about 400 articles. Each. Your perfectly crafted story is like pissing in the ocean. Untraceable, lost forever.

Just remember that while you “take pride in your work” loser. I hope you feel bad about yourself while I wank at my projected earnings.

10. And That’s it!

There is no number 10. I only listed 10 things because top 10 lists do far better in the algorithm and I have no respect for you as my reader.

Take care!

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