If You’re Having a Swedish Death Sale, Will You Invite Me?

I love old stuff — especially if it’s cheap.

I’ve heard of this thing called Swedish Death Cleaning…Actually, I’ve never heard of it, then in the space of 24 hours, I heard about it twice.

While I am familiar with cleaning (as long as it’s not dusting) and death (unfortunately), and Swedes (IKEA, baby!), these words sound different when you juxtapose them next to each other.

The term made me curious:

• Is Swedish Death inherently better than other kinds? Like Turkish baths and Cuban cigars are better than regular baths and cigars? I haven’t tried it so I can’t say.
• Is a Death Clean like when your kids' school friends come over, eat Cheetos, drink Kool-aid, and pull out all the toys, and then when they leave, you clean madly until you almost die? Again, I wasn’t certain.

But, turns out a Swedish Death Clean is all of that, and yet none of it.

From what I understand, “Swedish Death Clean” is along the lines of “A Get Rid Of Spree For People Who Are Going to Die.” So, that means it's for everyone, right? …I hear you don’t even have to be Swedish.

So, I’m in.

Actually, I did try this concept once when I moved to Europe. I just didn’t know what to call it, then. But, like any organized Swede, I had a sell pile, a junk pile, a keep pile, and an Allen wrench.

I set all stuff I was going to sell in the garage on tables, all the stuff I was planning to keep next to the storage shed, and all the junk I was getting rid of in front of the stuff I was going to keep.

We told the man that we hired to pick up leftover junk to take everything he saw but the storage shed. I made a midnight run to ensure all my dog-eared library copy Ogden Nash books made it inside. But it was dark and I forgot to bring in my fine china, souvenirs, and sentimental stuff.

Off to the dump, they went!

It was sad… so many years of saving stuff…so many teapots and pieces of Pillsbury Doughboy kitchenware.

But at the same time, it was freeing. It meant that I didn’t have to hold on with angst to chipped dishes with hidden sentimental value and old stuffed animals my kids will never want to play with… or decorate my kitchen with stuff I’d picked out when I was twelve.

Without that old stuff, I could change my whole style and become someone new. Rise again like a phoenix.

It meant I could buy new stuff.

When I say new stuff, I look for certain criteria:

• Is it useful?
• Does it make me smile?
• Does it have hidden beauty that only I can see?
• Is it cheap?

So, basically, I’m interested in the old stuff that you don’t want that is in your Swedish Death Clean pile.

Because the only thing I like better than cleaning out old stuff I don’t want or need is finding or buying things that others don’t want.

What I am looking to buy.

My husband and I finally bought an apartment two years ago. This means we no longer have a landlord and we can paint and decorate like we want. My husband and I compromised on the living area, and he said I could do whatever I wanted with the kitchen. So I took him at his word.

Here was where my art was to take place. I decided it was time to let that little old Eastern European grandma that had been living somewhere deep inside my soul out to play — much to my husband’s dismay.

This means I am looking for the cute, the interesting, the funny, and yes, even the semi-ugly to decorate the cabinet tops, shelves, and plate racks in my kitchen.

Once I’ve completed my task I thought I could prominently hang a sign that says “My Kitschy Kitchen,” but that may be too 90s cutesy. Also, how do I know when my task is complete and it’s time to hang the sign?

What I have so far.

So far I have inherited a broken 1880s lady that my family kept in a box for almost 200 years, a pair of goats my friend was cleaning out of his mom’s house, a pelican candy dish, and an 80-cent 1930s wooden ramp walker that looks like a female Mr. Bean.

Clearly, not enough stuff to merit a sign, yet.

But it is enough stuff for my husband and I to play a little game: he keeps hiding my growing collection in cupboards and wardrobes, and I keep finding them and setting them back out.

Neither of us ever mentions this subtle kitschy dance — that’s part of the game. How long does it take the other one to find the items? Who will break the secret code of silence first?

Who will break the first piece of these small knick-knacks? …Probably my husband — he stacks things like it’s a Jenga puzzle and he’s trying to win. But will the first break be an “accident”?

It’s clear I need more stuff to crowd my kitchen. It’s not grandmotherly enough yet. The hunt is on.

Swedish Death Clean VS Estate Sale: Which is better?

This is a personal decision, you must decide for yourself. Personally, I prefer the idea of Swedish Death Cleaning idea to estate sales.

Estate sales always feel like you are coming in as a vulture to swoop in on a deal. Maybe the kids are willing to let go, but what about the deceased? Maybe their spirit is still hiding in the secret compartment of the old table you bought, as your friend suggested.

You feel ashamed about haggling prices down. You feel like you should speak in whispers and bring a plant.

Also, most of the time these sales are run by professionals who hike up the prices. It’s hard to find a good deal…the combination of all these factors makes me sad.

In contrast, (and somewhat ironically), the stuff in a Swedish Death Cleaning is being given away (or sold) by people who are still very much alive. A Swedish Death Cleaning sale sounds cool… like you should shower and dress in black and wear dark lipstick to go there.

Also, you might find some Swedish IKEA items on sale that have already been built by someone else, saving both your wallet and your marriage. You can finally throw that Allen wrench away, now, honey!

Conclusion

Are you a Swede or definitely not a Swede? Will you die someday? Do you have items to get rid of? Then you can have a Swedish Death Clean.

And if you do have one of these cleans, will you invite me? Like the trash pick-up dude, we hired, I will happily cart it all away.

Want to leave a turnip or a cow to your kids in your will for them to fight over (who has to keep it?) Then write for Pitfall and enter your name in the hat:

Two more stories on Swedish Death Cleaning

Mary Capelli’s husband is cleaning house:

Warren Turner is keeping his cool band T-shirts: