If You Love Someone, Let Them Go

Because love is the art of preservation

My son defines love as “the art of preservation. I like the word art in the definition because art and love are both open to interpretation. They can both be abstract, and no two expressions are exactly alike.

When I asked my son about the word preservation in his definition, he said you do anything to protect what you love from harm. I thought about my expressions of love and my acts of preservation.

My husband and I were about to initiate a long-distance relationship. The long-distance relationship is an extended version of the increasingly common living-apart-together (LAT) status of partnering.

My husband’s new job on the east coast would be a three-hour flight from our home in Colorado. I reflected on my support of him in transitioning to his dream job.

Loving Apart

I had moved with him to Colorado barely three years ago. It was my fourth time quitting my job to support his career. Not much time passed before we realized, he needed to continue searching for his dream job.

“Love is friendship that has caught fire.” Ann Landers

Whenever my husband looked to advance his career, he started with seeking my support. He would never apply for a job in a place where I didn’t agree to live, no matter how much money it paid. So, his first step in the search process was asking where I would be willing to live. My response surprised him.

With both of our children grown and me trying to piece my career back together, I could not get excited about following him again. I was thinking about my self-preservation as well as his.

I told him I was reasonably content living in Colorado and could earn enough money on my own to continue living here. I told him I would consider living apart until he retired in three years.

After a five-minute discussion and review of our family status, we agreed to pursue our independent careers independently. At his age, and as hard as he worked, he deserved to be happy. I deserved to be happy too.

Everything Must Change

I knew my cars would go through the winter without a car wash in his absence. I would have to make my own morning coffee and pick up my prescriptions. I’d have to ask him for the name and location of the cleaners.

I mostly worried about having a fainting spell and not having him around to bring me out, as he had done at least 50 times over 28 years. I’m sure he worried about my health too, but we never discussed it.

Instead, every conversation became about him securing a position where he felt valued and appreciated. He had interviews in Boston and Indiana, and applied in several other undesirable locations.

I had no regrets about him not getting any job since it meant I’d have him around that much longer. Still, my job was to keep his spirits up between his discontentment with his current job, and rejection in job searches. My support was an art of preservation, an expression of love.

Til Work Do We Part

We laughed when he said he was going to apply for a job in New York. We’d met in upstate NY and lived there twice during our marriage. In previous job searches, NY was off my list of places to live. Since my preference was out of the equation, he applied for a job in Long Island.

As fate would have it, he took the position in NY after a seven-month job search. Turns out to be his dream job. I could not be happier for him. I made two visits with him to secure and furnish his new apartment, buy a new car, and learn how to take the train into Manhattan.

I started building a NY network for whenever I join him there. I’m not committed to living apart for any longer than necessary. I will leave Colorado when I feel ready.

The Art of Preservation

I’ve heard people say that anything can be art. I believe, like my son, that includes love. The art of loving in the absence of shared physical space is created with balance, contrast, and harmony.

To preserve the long-distance relationship, we juxtapose sensory contemplation and irrelevant conversation to paint an emotional picture of a thousand words. We appreciate the wholeness of one another. The aesthetic of love is inspiring, no matter how far apart we are.

Paradigm Shift of Loving

In an era of instant gratification where love has become less patient and kind, LAT relationships may have something to teach us in our shifting culture. For example, one plus one will always equal two. Two people cannot become one. Sacrifices are never equally made.

I have benefited significantly from supporting my husband’s career advancements. However, two out of the four times that we previously moved, I was earning more money than him. We made decisions based on traditional assumptions about who raises children and who earns money. I’ve spent 28 years only dabbling in a career while he advanced his, even though we both have our Ph.D.

Many women are opting out of the traditional family role, and the LAT relationship supports that shift. While LAT may seem polarizing, actually, it is humanizing. Spouses do not become objects of obligation.

Research shows that LAT spouses maintain a strong commitment to their marriage. According to Lindemann, who interviewed a hundred married couples who lived apart, many spouses are invested in love and autonomy in their relationships.

Fewer arguments, preference on house décor, and no responsibility for spouses’ messes were noted advantages. Both spouses can also continue to earn an income instead of one depending on the other.

On the other hand, spending time together can be over-rated when one or both spouses come home to each other mentally exhausted. Weekends are spent mowing lawns, grocery shopping, and washing laundry.

The biggest complaint many married couples have is not spending quality time together. LAT spouses tend to focus on one another when they are together no matter how frequent the visits.

I’ve met several of my husband’s colleagues. Three of them had left their spouses behind for a significant period when they were hired. Even the female president lived apart from her husband and children for over a year before they joined her.

The rules of engagement are changing. The commitment to loving is independent of the commitment to living together. Only time will tell how well the new rules will serve my husband and me. I am happy to know that I have the option.

Left to Interpretation

So far, it’s been one month, a difficult month, for me. The first week I felt like I was operating without half of my brain after 28 years. The king-sized bed is too big and too cold. So, I sleep with my laptop and Netflix.

My son asked me why I bought donuts because I don’t usually eat sweets. I told him, “I bought them because dad likes them. So, I thought I’d eat some today.” My husband doesn’t seem to be fairing much better. He scraped up his car pulling out of a parking space on his second day of work.

Nevertheless, I appreciate the autonomy. On the first Sunday of his absence, I invited a small group of friends over for dinner. When my husband is here, Sunday is reserved for him to watch football. I typically sit beside him and work and chit chat for ‘quality time.’

We try to connect daily, but don’t put any pressure on one another to do so, especially since there is a two-hour difference in time zones. Some days we exchange text messages several times a day. I don’t need him to remind me that he loves me or that he is thinking of me. I only need to know that he is happy with his life.

We have the next few visits planned already as our LAT reality sets in. We will visit one another as well as meet in neutral places. Our favorite talk is making plans to spend time together. Our love is still tangible. We have mastered the art of preservation.

References

Bakari, R. (2019). What’s Love Got to Do with Marriage. Medium. whats-love-got-to-do-with-marriage-401cc624104d.

Lindemann, D. J. (2019). Commuter Spouses: New Families in a Changing World. Ithaca [New York]: ILR Press. Retrieved from https://search-ebscohost-com.libproxy.uccs.edu/login.aspx?direct=true&db=nlebk&AN=1809734&site=ehost-live