avatarJennifer McDougall

Summary

The article advocates for the importance of delivering criticism constructively, emphasizing the need to communicate unkind truths in a kind manner.

Abstract

The article titled "If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say" on the undefined website challenges the traditional adage by asserting that it's not only about saying nice things but also about learning to communicate harsh truths with benevolence. The author, Jennifer J. McDougall, insists that life inevitably requires us to voice unpleasant realities, such as pointing out mistakes or inappropriate behavior, and suggests that this should be done with care and consideration. Drawing from Kim Scott’s Radical Candor and an article by Reuben Salsa, the piece underscores the moral responsibility to speak up against wrongdoing and the importance of engaging with contentious issues constructively. The article offers advice on how to deliver criticism positively, such as focusing on the positive, using the right tone of voice, being encouraging, and avoiding the compliment-criticism-compliment sandwich technique. By doing so, individuals can contribute to personal and collective betterment without causing hurt.

Opinions

  • The author calls the advice of only saying nice things "crap" and emphasizes the necessity of saying unkind things in a kind way.
  • The article references Kim Scott’s Radical Candor and Reuben Salsa's work as influential in shaping the concept of benevolent critique.
  • It is suggested that ignoring harmful or inappropriate content is immoral and that one should engage with it to put forward an opposing view.
  • The author uses humor and candidness to illustrate that even harsh feedback can be delivered in a way that is not hurtful.
  • The article criticizes the common practice of "feedback sandwiches" as ineffective and suggests being direct and clear instead.
  • The author encourages the use of positive reinforcement and encouragement when providing feedback, even when the feedback is critical.
  • The overall message is that while unpleasant things must be said, they should be expressed with kindness and tact to avoid hurting others and to promote growth and understanding.

MIND YO MANNERS

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say

Learn to say it nicely

“You little…fudge sweetener…” Photo by Artur Voznenko on Unsplash

I call BS.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.

Haven’t we all heard that?

Complete BS.

We’ve all had grandma grunt it at us. Or Dad, as he was wiping tears from our rage-encrusted eyeballs. Or Teacher, as they were scheduling your detention.

But I’m here to school you.

The advice of only saying nice things?

Crap. Utter crap.

We all have to say unkind things. It’s part of life.

I need to tell you that tripping your brother as he stood beside the stairs was a very bad idea.

Your essay on why using punctuation is against both literary freedom and your basic human rights? It sucked pickle juice [Did you get that message even without a period or exclamation at the end of that sentence?]

Ordering a customer to eat your excrement off their wife’s nobby nipples = bad business PR.

Giving the cat/hamster/fish a mohawk? Not a brainwave to be repeated.

There are crap things we will have to tell one another. It’s part of life.

Especially if you want your human-skill-filled time on this planet to involve any sort of betterment.

And so we must learn to use benevolence when mentioning the not-so-sweet things that need to be voiced.

And the credit goes to

This all sounds fairly commonsensical, right? And yet it was Kim Scott’s Radical Candor where the idea kicked me upside the noggin. Then it was Reuben Salsa reinforcing it through his article called Declaring War on Strangers And Their Pickle Nazi Fetish.

You decide to engage because it is immoral to ignore such a post. You wouldn’t stand by as somebody is racially abused in real life, would you? At the very least you would report the incident. So why would you scroll past a post? What the person has posted is wrong. It is vile. It is unethical. It is inappropriate content. You have to say something.

If you don’t agree with a post then engage with it and put the opposing view forward. Reuben Salsa

How to do this

Oh, now you want me to school you on how exactly to say kind things? I applaud you for your high expectations.

But do you really think I’ve got all the mothertruckin’ answers, you dandelion sniffer? Guffaw. Let’s wikiHow this one.

  • Focus on the positive Yes, Nigel, your plastic surgeon should’ve read Nose Jobs for Dummies a wee bit closer. But the left nostril has the same exciting flare as a July 4 bottle rocket.
  • Use the right tone of voice I have teenagers. Tone is everything. At the same time, can’t anyone sprout a sweety-peety voice and make “Go shove that tire wrench into the hairy core of your anus” sound like you’re soliciting sugar in your church coffee?

It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it….Being calm and smiling can be good most the time. However, sometimes you do need to say it directly and maybe even bluntly. David T. Fagan

  • Be encouraging Yes, Lillian, your third-quarter report was about as lame as my legless StepDad. But you picked a damn fine font. And once you wipe away those raccoon eyes, I know you’ve got this!
  • Put away those compliment-criticism-adulation sandwiches. Have you actually read your kid’s report card? I’m completely guilty of stuffing nasty arse negativity between two of anything positive that I can think of between martinis. Apparently, according to Leadership Coach Eikenberg, this isn’t actually good practice. Who woulda thunk it?

Please stop feeding your team feedback sandwiches. We’re choking on them. Darcy Eikenberg

Takeaways

We all need to say shit things. We just need to learn to coat them with a bit of maple syrup — or Pearl Milling Company, for those of you without access to acres of hardwood. Use the right tone when voicing those encouraging, positive gems. Avoid the good-bad-good technique and you’ll be well on your way to being the best parent/friend/boss/human ever.

Just remember: if you don’t have anything nice to say — at least say it nicely.

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2022

Advice and Opinion
Positivity
Encouragement
Humorous Life Lessons
An Idea
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