Narcissists and Children
If You Are Divorcing A Narcissist, Fighting Is Not An Option
Maintaining a meaningful relationship with your child comes first. So does your well-being.
My best friend made a decision today — to go to court, to enter the war, and annihilate his ex-partner, a malignant narcissist. I tried to reason with him because I genuinely believe it is impossible to win a battle with a narcissist, especially in the courtroom.
For narcissists, the court is their stage, and they are the leading actors.
But my friend has faith in the legal system. My friend doesn’t want to give up on his 7-year-old son. My friend can’t watch him grow up and become the reflection of his mother. My friend wishes to give his son better life.
He tried to reason with his narcissistic ex, he attempted to co-parent, he tried to get her help: he called psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists.
But then he understood one thing — NPD can’t be treated with medication. The only treatment that might work is with a specialist psychotherapist, and this treatment can take years and might not even be effective because the majority of the people suffering from NPD don’t want to be diagnosed.
Why?
Because being a covert narcissist is “amazing” — they have so many personalities that are highly adaptable and serve them well in life: they get to exploit and manipulate others without a guilty conscience.
My friend — broken, on the verge of suicide and fearing losing the battle, and his son, realized that his narcissistic ex will never be cured or changed. He realized that he would never win the war, but maybe he might win the battle by accepting that his ex will never get better and that he must prioritize himself.
“Why me?”, he asked.
- Because my friend is a rescuer
Narcissists target people that have the embedded need to rescue others. The narcissist will be a victim, seek pity and exploit people like my friend. My friend wished to help her, but he didn't acknowledge that his ex didn't want his help. She only needed his attention.
- Because he is compassionate
Empaths always try to see the best in people. They continue to forgive and forget the bad behavior. They focus on the future, on the bright side. Sometimes they even believe that “true love conquers all,” and they give themselves endlessly to the narcissist.
But narcissists will never be cured by kindness, no matter how much they receive. And whenever my friend gives his ex-partner love, she gains power and permission to abuse him again.
- Because he is a co-dependent
It took my friend a lot of time to admit that he is a co-dependent. In all of his previous relationships, he was seeking validation; he felt responsible for the feelings and the actions of his loved ones. He felt OK only when his girlfriend felt OK. And if his girlfriend was upset, he felt as it must have been his fault. My friend rarely thought about his well-being; he always prioritized the well-being of his partners.
Ultimately he was the caretaker of his narcissistic ex, and he became addicted to needing to take care of her, instead of himself first.
Now, he knows that his well-being comes above everything else. And if he doesn’t get well, then there is no chance he would win the battle or the war and support his son through the horrendous ordeal ahead of him.
- His thoughts don’t define him.
My friend is constantly pulled back to thoughts about the narcissist, after all, he did all for her — to make her “happy”. He is experiencing trauma bonding that resulted from her emotionally abusive tactics and made him literally addicted to her.
These bonds are hard to break but aren’t impossible.
To reclaim the mental serenity he must:
- Reclaim his own mental space for himself;
- Let go of negative attachments & thoughts such as (“It’s your fault!”);
- Forget about the “Why?”, “What If?” and “How?” — let the past stay in the past;
- Stop fearing the future — and live just for today;
- Practice daily gratitude — he isn’t dragged anymore into the negativity and drama;
- Clear toxic friends and family from his life;
- Establish firm boundaries.
And ultimately move forward from victimhood.
Because You aren’t a victim, You are here, You know better — You are a warrior.
Always remind yourself that when the negative thoughts kick back in, bring yourself back into the present and remind yourself that:
- You are a fantastic parent, that will help your child put an end to the toxic generational chain;
- You are alive, while many others aren’t!
You are the commander of your ship — as long as you stay on course, one step ahead, with your head high, no storm will pull you underwater.
Want to support my journey and help me raise awareness about Parental Alienation? You can do so by buying me a coffee or two.
Please do HERE.
Want to read more stories from me?
SUBSCRIBE BELOW!
Want to read more and write yourself?
BECOME A MEMBER!