SATIRE | HUMOR | MEDEA | ANCIENT GREECE

If Writing Is Like Sex Medea Suffers Too Often From Headaches

She is great at baiting, good at foreplay, but rarely delivers the main course and can never make you climax

After Princess Medea declined Jason’s sexual advances for the 25th time in a month Jason had enough and ditched her to marry Princess Glaucestack.

There is a limit to how many ‘I’ve got a headache’s a mighty hero can endure. In retaliation Medea murdered their two children and fled with their lifeless bodies via a getaway chariot procured by her grandpa Helios, the Sun God.

A Monday for ancient Greek heroes, princesses and sorceresses. There is, however, a modern Medea who behaves in much the same way.

She baits modern Jasons, Herculeses and Hypatias with promises of the Golden Fleece and, right when it’s within their reach, she makes it disappear with her ‘mysterious ways’.

She attracts more and more of them from all over the world by offering more alluring prizes for their quests. For a spell she does deliver, so heroes and adventurers keep on coming and eagerly pay their commission to her Guild.

But when enough of them are gathered she guts their coins by 75–80%. A girl cannot give more than she gains, right? She also needs to put food on her own table.

A not-so-mythical modern Greek finished more quests for Medea than he had in 6 months on Sept 26 — well, with the exception of three abnormally good days in Boosty July.

He expected 180 to 200 coins for his accomplished quests but heartless Medea gave him a mere 40.

A similar thing happened the previous day, which he hoped was a fluke. It wasn’t. So he asked her:

“Why so few coins Medea?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. The rewards calculation remains the same. Nothing changed.”

“So why did I get much fewer coins despite completing far more quests?”

“Our rewards system is too complex to explain. Even if I tried explaining it you wouldn’t understand. But I cannot do that anyway. It’s a close-guarded trade secret.”

“So what should I do? Will this situation continue? Will my lost coins be compensated later? Should I try joining another Guild?”

“We encourage our older and better paid Guild members like you to diversify and join other Guilds, such as Glaucestack.

That way our member base is recycled, our Guild is renewed with fresh members who shut up and keep adventuring — our ideal members — and we have far fewer operating costs.

The new members are all copper level or below, so they’re paid peanuts. Unlike you.”

“I’m still paid peanuts.”

“Last month you earned enough coin to pay your groceries of the whole month. If that’s peanuts they’re XXXL size.”

“By the looks of it though next month I’ll barely make enough coin to cover a few pizzas. Why are your rewards so volatile Medea? Why are you constantly killing your children and adopt new ones?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. The rewards calculation remains the same. Nothing changed.”

“Wh… what?”

“Sorry, my AI glitched for a moment. If you want more answers talk to the hand → Tony I’m sure he’ll tell you more or less the same. My AI model is not authorized to provide more answers right now. Have a lovely day!”

Note: I am tempted to elaborate but I will not. I don’t think I need to. Your ‘coins’ have been in the same sorry stare the last 2–3 days.

If you’d prefer a more literal variant of the above read Adrian CDTPPW’s piece below — and it’s… vigorous comment section.

At first I was angry Medium fooled me once again, but now I’m merely disappointed — more at myself than Medium.

Since I understood exactly how it works I can no longer trust this platform, even if the Aug 1 changes are fully restored. I’ve had enough being taken for a fool.

High time to diversify...